Saturday, October 17, 2015
Reflections on a rough week
I've had a rough week. Actually probably closer to two weeks. Grief and resentment have been right below the surface. I wrote about what I called ugly feelings in my last post. It was a post that I was honestly unsure if I even wanted to publish, but this community assured me (once again) that what I'm feeling is normal and ok. Thankfully I'm starting to pull out of it because these phases suck.
Right now I'm reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. Normally this is the type of book that I'd steer away from (memoirs, particularly about spiritual journeys, aren't one of my preferred genres), but I picked it up because I stumbled across the author's podcast that she did to correspond with the release of her latest book and liked it a lot. Plus it was on the clearance rack at the thrift store so I figured that even if I didn't like it, I was only out $1. If you're not familiar with the book (or movie by the same title), after a nasty divorce and breakdown, the author goes on a quest to discover pleasure, devotion, and balance by traveling to Italy, India, and Bali for a year. Anyway, this book appealed to me because I'm currently feeling restless with life and feel like I want to do something new and big. But I don't know what. I'm only about half way through the book but I already have so many take aways. Mainly to be nice to myself. And that whatever I feel is ok. And to be true to myself. These are reminders that I need (continuously, it seems).
I know that I'm not the only one who feels the itch to do something big because Another Forty recently wrote a post on the same topic. Mali also wrote a poignant post about what she called "The Next Big Thing" pointing out that it doesn't need to be something that is earth shattering.
The quote above is my life. Well, the glorious mess part, not necessarily the embrace part. But I'm working on it. I actually swiped this picture from one of Liz Gilbert's Facebook posts (if you don't "like" her page, you should!). She started the post by sharing that she had been "cheerfully fucking things up for the last 24 hours," something I could definitely relate to. She then went on to point out that "....I am loved and I am worthy, and you are loved and you are worthy" which is a reminder that I desperately needed.
Moving to Italy (or India, or Bali) isn't an option for me like it was for Liz Gilbert (unless someone wants to volunteer to foot the bill, in which case I'd gladly accept), at least not right now, but I can take care of myself. I can honor myself, my feelings, and my grief. Right now I think this needs to be my next big thing.
My pregnant sister announced her pregnancy on Facebook the other day with a cute little "our little pumpkin is due....blah blah blah" picture. It took me by surprise because she previously said she wasn't going to announce it on Facebook. No big deal, I can hide it so I don't have to see it. But what I couldn't hide was people tagging me and asking what my reproductive plans were. Since it was a completely inappropriate venue to go on a batshit crazy rant I just ignored the comments. But they hurt. By the time this baby is born I will have had at least one sister pregnant for 22 consecutive, and three babies born in slightly over one calendar year. Frankly, I can't wait for it to be over. Now I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that my sister that gave birth in June manages to not get pregnant before her tubal scheduled for early December (not getting pregnant has proven to be quite difficult for her).