Monday, October 12, 2015

Some of the ugly feelings resurface

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  I think it's absolutely wonderful that this topic is being discussed.  For so long things like miscarriage and pregnancy loss have been hush hush and taboo to talk about for far too long.  Everybody has either lost a pregnancy or infant or knows someone who has, yet no one talks about it.

The truth is that I'm having a hard time with Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  A really hard time.  Because it makes me feel like we didn't lose anything.  I was never pregnant.  We chose not to do IVF so we didn't lose any embryos.  We lost nothing.  At least by the conventional definition we didn't.

Yet it feels like we did.

And I know that we did.

Don't get me wrong, the thought of losing a pregnancy or an infant is more than I can bear, and knowing that people actually go through this breaks my heart.  Which is why writing about this, making Pregnancy and Infant Awareness Loss month about me feels so wrong.  I didn't want to write this post, but I couldn't not write it.  Denying my feelings (no matter how ugly they are) isn't helpful or productive.


8 comments:

  1. I'm really sorry Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month is tough for you. Yes, wanting heightened awareness can be a double-edged sword. I understand that - it is reminding you of something you never had. Your feelings won't be that unusual.

    Yes, accepting a life without children when that wasn't what you had hoped for is a loss. Yes, you have suffered a loss. That is undeniable.

    Beating yourself up for your feelings isn't helpful or productive either. But being so honest here - when we can be sure that there will be others reading this who feel the same way and now don't feel quite so alone - is both productive and helpful. So I send thanks for that on their behalf, and send you hugs for what you're feeling now.

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    1. Thank you, Mali. Your words mean a lot to me! If my words can make somebody else feel not quite so alone then it was definitely worth it to put them out there.

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  2. In my parts of the world we don't have Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.
    I can completely understand you. It would be hard for me too. I was never pregnant. Did I loose anything? I definetely did. I lost my dreams. And it takes time to start dreaming about other new projects.

    Wishing you a all the best.

    xo

    Klara

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    1. Thanks, Klara! We've all lost so much!

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  3. I'm sorry this is hard for you but glad you can be so honest about it. And it is necessary to be honest here where you know you won't be judged. It is so confusing to feel grief for something you never had in the first place. It is confusing and can feel invisible. We did IVF and I have pictures of our embryos but to be totally honest, I don't think of them as children. I think of them as more of a symbol of the efforts that we went through to have children. The way I look at it, given the unexplained nature of our infertility, as far as I know I may be making great embryos naturally that just don't stick. So why would these represent more than that? (this is my view, I get that for others it may feel more symbolic). So I too feel like I'm grieving something I never had physically. But I do feel like I'm grieving the loss of a dream. That's real! Anyway, these feelings aren't ugly, they're normal and honest and thank you for sharing them.

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    1. Thank you for the reassurance! I felt awful writing it out but it seems like what I'm feeling is completely normal.

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  4. I think a lot of people feel this way, quite honestly. You may wish to describe it differently, but I'll venture to say you lost the ability to have children and the future you thought you'd have. That's life altering, to say the least.

    I'd like to think the deserved and over due exposure of infant and pregnancy loss will eventually mean good things for us (which is weird, because when do I ever respond to a tough feeling with a "positive" thought??), but right now I find myself feeling like something is so missing when the topic is discussed.

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    1. It is definitely life altering. It's hard to describe....I lost an idea, not a thing. There is no physical proof of what I lost, and I guess that's what I'm struggling with.

      With as uncomfortable as this month has been for me, it is my hope that rather than devoting a whole month to pregnancy and infant loss, that infertility and loss will become a routine part of everyday conversation in society, because you're right. Something is missing.

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