Saturday, October 31, 2015

Because I can laugh at myself

Earlier today I needed to go out to get supplies for trick-or-treat.  To be clear, by "supplies" I mean wine.  I would prefer to just keep the light off, draw the blinds, and be antisocial, but hubs insists we have to pass out candy, so if I have to do it, I prefer to not be completely sober.

Anyway I made it to the liquor store and got a couple of bottles of wine (note: I do not plan to consume all of the wine tonight) and headed for home.  Except the road home was closed.  I should pause to mention here that I have no sense of direction.  None.  Like I couldn't find my way out of a box with a flashlight.  I should also mention that where I live is a notoriously difficult place to navigate because of challenging geography (rivers and mountains) and is not on a grid pattern as a result.  For a normal person this would be an inconvenience.  For me this is always a cause for concern.  My default strategy is to follow the car in front of me.  Which I realize is completely illogical and highly unlikely to work.  At least it was daylight.

So I'm driving along without a clue in the worlds where I was.  No place to pull off and get directions on my phone.  I may have also been somewhat distracted by the beauty of the western Pennsylvania fall foliage.  I tried to call my husband to have him figure out where I was and how to get home, but he didn't answer (he's the sort of guy who can find his way out of a jungle with a compass and a knife).  After driving for about 25 minutes (lost for probably 20 of that) I came upon a church, where I was able to pull off and get directions on my phone and take of my sweatshirt.  Because hot flashes are apparently aggravated by stress.

Having directions was a good thing, except the GPS on my phone told me to go east on whatever road.  At which point I was like "goddamnit Siri, left, right, or straight.  I don't know east."  Naturally I turned the wrong way and had to make an illegal U turn to right myself.  Thankfully there were no cops nearby.  Long story short what should have been a 10 minute drive took an hour, but I made it home.  With wine.  Finally.

I walked in the door and hubs remarked "took you long enough!" to which I replied "had you answered your damn phone you'd know why."  For curiosity's sake he tried to figure out where my unplanned detour took me.  Apparently landmarks such as "trees" and a "twisty curvy road" are not sufficient descriptors for him to figure out where I was.  He also tried to show me a map and have me trace my route.  This attempt was laughable.  Oh, and he informed me that the car has a compass in the rear view mirror which may have helped with the whole "go east" directive....

This isn't the first time I've been lost.  This isn't the most lost that I've ever been.  And I'm sure this won't be the last time I get lost.  This is just who I am as a person.  I have accepted my lack of direction as a piece of me and know that it's never going to change.  But I don't take myself too seriously and am having a good laugh about my scenic trip home.  I hope you can too!

Oh, and trick-or-treat went well.  I had a few moments of longing for a life that will never be mine, but for the most part it was ok.  Merlot helped.  Most importantly it's over for another year


  1. LOL
    silly husband, he doesn't know that brilliant description: trees & twisty curvy road :)

    btw: Slovenia lies east of Venice. But I am not worried since your husband will be with you then :)

    1. I know! In an area of trees and twisty curvy roads it's amazing he couldn't figure it out! :)

      It is good that he will be with me then because I get lost in countries where I can read the might get bad to get lost in Italy or Slovenia where I don't understand the languages!

  2. OK thank you for a huge laugh!!! You are hilarious. Glad you got your "supplies" for trick or treating. We handed out candy to the little ones and beer to the parents (which apparently is a thing in our new neighborhood). That made the whole experience more enjoyable, especially when said parents would come to the door with this crazed look on their face, like "is it almost over???"

    Isn't knowing yourself a most glorious thing? I have to say that at this point in my life I feel I know myself better than ever, and along with that comes (mostly) acceptance. And laughter.

    1. Glad I gave you a laugh! I can laugh about it now, but at the time I was a bit panicked.

      I like the idea of passing out beer to the parents! I did see quite a few adults walking around with beverages so maybe this has caught on in my neighborhood too?

      Knowing yourself is an amazing thing. I have become much more comfortable in my own skin over the last couple of years. Infertility sort of forced my hand, but overall I think it's a good thing. And I can totally laugh at myself!

  3. I've always been surprised, when watching US media or reading books, when directions have been given in terms of east and west. We don't really do that here. We do the "turn into X road, take the second right" type of directions. Much easier! My dad - a farmer - would, however, have been very comfortable with east/west directions. On his first morning visiting us in Bangkok (his first ever trip overseas), he looked up at the cloudy, smoggy, sky, couldn't see the sun, and said, "how am I supposed to know where I am?"

    PS. If I didn't want to hand out candy, and my husband insisted, then HE would be the one handing out candy, and I would be drinking wine and watching a good movie!

    1. My dad sounds a lot like yours! He's amazing with directions. Sometimes I wish I'd inherited that trait from him.

      I was inclined to do exactly what you suggested but he begged and I'm a sucker. So we did it together. Maybe next year I'll get to chose and we'll leave the light off and watch a movie. :)