Today I talked to my sister (the pregnant one) on the phone. She asked for advice regarding a potential career move and I gave it to her. I asked how she was and if everything was ok with the baby (everything is fine with both). Then she mentioned that she'd asked our mom to come to her next appointment with her. It hit me that I'll never get the chance to ask my mom to come to a doctor's appointment with me. I wouldn't have asked her, not in a million years, but that's not the point. The point is that infertility stole that choice from me.
Luckily I had a really busy day today and couldn't dwell on it and didn't even have time to cry (though I really wanted to in the moment) and by the time the day calmed down the feelings weren't quite as intense and the urge to cry had passed. I'm obviously still thinking about it though.
Later I ended up going out to dinner with some extended family who came into town tonight to catch an early flight in the morning. Hubs was supposed to go to but he was feeling a bit under the weather and decided to stay home. I honestly wasn't looking forward to it because I knew that my sister and her husband told them about the baby a couple of weeks ago and they are super excited (as they should be) and I expected a good deal of the conversation to revolve around my sister and then turn to my uterus (as it does almost every time I see them). As it turned out, once they saw I wasn't wearing my wedding/engagement ring combined with the fact that my husband wasn't with me, they were much more concerned about my marriage than my uterus. I quickly explained that I had my rings inspected over the weekend and left them to be rhodium plated and they won't be back until the end of the month. So it turned out that not wearing my rings was a good thing. Or at least it diverted attention from my (useless) reproductive parts.
The doctor's appointment thing caught me completely off guard but I rebounded relatively well and the dinner wasn't as challenging as I expected it to be and I had myself all worked up for nothing. Today was hard but I tried not to dwell on the hard stuff.
I don't think that time will ever heal all of the scars that infertility has left on my heart, but it does get a little bit easier to roll with the punches with each day that passes.
So glad you're recognizing that rolling with the punches can be a real victory. And even though your sister is soon to have a baby bump, she's coming to you for career advice! We all contribute in our own ways.
ReplyDeleteIt is good to feel useful. I might not be able to contribute anything on the pregnancy/baby topic, but I can give job advice like a boss! :)
DeleteAnd it does feel like a small victory.
"... I had myself all worked up for nothing." Oh, how we torture ourselves! I've done that so many times. One day I'll learn not to!
ReplyDeleteMind you, I am surprised that people might a) be concerned with your uterus, or b) be concerned about the state of your marriage. Maybe NZers are just more reserved? Cos if anyone asked me these questions, I'd be shocked!
Maybe one day we'll all learn to not get worked up! Though I think this is rooted in protecting ourselves by playing out every possible scenario in our minds and how we're going to respond, just so we're not caught off guard.
DeleteI'm really impressed that NZers stay out of the business of others! Maybe this is an American thing? Or maybe just something with my family? We've literally had people asking us about family planning since we got engaged. Though if I had to pick between talking about reproduction and talking about why I'm not wearing my wedding ring, I'd pick the wedding ring any day!
my dear younger chosen sister (is there an English word for that?).
ReplyDeleteMay I correct you? The time will heal the scars that infertility left on your heart.
How I know? Since a decade ago I also thought that the scars will stay forever, but luckily I was wrong.
Your writing is so cool. Have you ever thought about writing a book? You would be so great at it!
The wittiest sentence:
Or at least it diverted attention from my (useless) reproductive parts.
lots of love from Europe.
I trust that you are correct. On the good days I'm ok, but on the bad days it seems like I'll never get through this.
DeleteI've never really considered writing a book. I don't think my writing is good enough for it, and I don't think anybody would read anyway. :)
Glad you like my wit....not everybody gets my (often) self-depreciating sense of humor.
I would read it!!
Deletewishing you a nice weekend.