I had one of those "I've come a long way" moments today.....
Every year my work has several flu shot clinics and I always get one because a) I've had the flu and it's miserable, b) the shots are free, c) I don't have time to be sick, and d) I work with college kids who are pretty much germ cesspools.
Anyway, I was filling out the paperwork and got to the "could you be pregnant" line where I could, for the first time in years, confidently check the "no" box knowing that there was no chance that I am pregnant, not even a little one. And you know what? I was ok. In fact I was a bit relieved that I didn't need to have the awkward conversation with a nursing student that I might be pregnant but I probably wasn't. A year ago it took everything I had to not burst into tears over this stupid question.
I've felt like I haven't been making much progress on my grief lately, like my wheels have been spinning. I've been feeling restless with life. But this was a sign of progress, subtle as it was, and I feel good about it.
Happy for you!
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DeleteAlso happy for you! This question always used to cause me to go into some long diatribe about how I could be but I'm probably not...it's not unlike what would follow when I say "no" to the question about whether or not I have kids. It is a relief to know that sometimes the word "no" is enough. It's a big step, glad you're acknowledging it!
ReplyDeleteThanks! Sometimes I just need a little reminder that I can do this. :)
DeleteYay!! A clear and clean marker is so nice to get since so much of grief just feels like muck.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I know it's being able to sit in the dark and ambiguous times that generates progress, that does little to help me in those phases. Definite signs rule.
It does feel like muck! So much fucking muck. But yes, signs of progress, no matter how subtle, are welcome. :)
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