October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I think it's absolutely wonderful that this topic is being discussed. For so long things like miscarriage and pregnancy loss have been hush hush and taboo to talk about for far too long. Everybody has either lost a pregnancy or infant or knows someone who has, yet no one talks about it.
The truth is that I'm having a hard time with Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. A really hard time. Because it makes me feel like we didn't lose anything. I was never pregnant. We chose not to do IVF so we didn't lose any embryos. We lost nothing. At least by the conventional definition we didn't.
Yet it feels like we did.
And I know that we did.
Don't get me wrong, the thought of losing a pregnancy or an infant is more than I can bear, and knowing that people actually go through this breaks my heart. Which is why writing about this, making Pregnancy and Infant Awareness Loss month about me feels so wrong. I didn't want to write this post, but I couldn't not write it. Denying my feelings (no matter how ugly they are) isn't helpful or productive.