Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Things I'm trying not to think about (and not succeeding at it)

I haven't talked to my sister (or my mom or other two sisters who were all present) since the birthday party debacle.  I don't know that I want to talk to them about this particular thing.  My feelings are still hurt.  Hubs and I aren't really that open about the whole not having children thing with our family (particularly mine because they don't seem to understand confidentiality) so I don't think that not inviting us was to protect us, I think my sister just forgot.  I had an ugly cry about it on Saturday night and now I'm trying not to think about it.

As it gets closer to February and pregnant sister 1's due date I'm feeling sad.  Not sad for her, I'm glad for her that she was able to get pregnant when she wanted to and that she's getting the little girl that she wanted, but I'm really sad for me.  I know that I don't need to describe why I'm feeling sad because I know you all get it.  I guess that feeling ambivalent didn't last for long.  And I get to go through all of this again in June.  Yay.  Just another thing (or two things, I guess) that I'm trying not to think about.

I'm also trying to forget a conversation that I had with my mom last week regarding pregnant sister 1's texts to me complaining about being pregnant and me (kindly but firmly) informing her that I wasn't the best person to send these types of messages to.  She told me that I hurt my sister's feelings (ok, I can see that), that I "needed to grow up and quit being selfish," and that I should call my sister to apologize.  It's really nice to have my own feelings acknowledged (sarcasm intended).

We're rapidly approaching the one-year mark of receiving an infertility diagnosis and realizing that treatment options that were available to us weren't likely to succeed.  Trying not to think about this either.

To end on a positive note, I've read four books in January and have started a fifth that I might finish before the end of the month.  I'll write a post at the end of the month with all of the titles so I can keep track of everything.  Another positive is that I was engaged in a work-related conversation about maternal age and Autism risk and not one of the three people involved in the conversation inquired about my reproductive status.  That was nice.


  1. This is really a tough time. I'm sorry the birthday party debacle was in fact, a debacle. And also terribly sorry for your mother's comments. She really doesn't get it - she can see things from your sister's (sister 1) perspective, but not yours. Sadly, that's not that unusual. I don't think you need to apologise. It's really up to you if you want to take it further - or for your sister to raise it. Not for her to run to mummy to complain!

    Anniversaries are tough - the time of year, the weather, what's happening at work or school or on the street or in the garden, it all reminds us of that time when we got news we didn't want, and of all the emotions around that. Maybe you and your husband could do something special on the day. For a long time I used to light a little candle on anniversaries, or other times when I wanted to remember my losses. Even little things can help. Also, in my experience, the build up to the anniversary (probably like the build up to the birth of your niece) are often worse than the actual day. In anticipating these events, we often anticipate the worst. (Well, I do/did anyway).

    Looking forward to the book reviews.

    1. My mother and I have a complicated relationship. Sadly these types of interactions aren't uncommon. If pregnant sister 1 brings it up I will happily discuss my reasons with her, but I will not go through a mediator (particularly since the mediator isn't neutral). I talked to pregnant sister 2 about the birthday party (well she brought it up when we called to tell niece happy birthday) and she apologized profusely and didn't even make excuses. So that was nice.

      You made very good suggestions for the anniversary. We will definitely do something meaningful. I definitely do think that the buildup will be worse than the day!

    2. Glad sister 2 apologised profusely. I have to say, I have a sister 1 and sister 2 too, and at times, the relationships can be complicated.

  2. dear BnB,
    your mum really does not get it. I am sorry for that.
    I am glad you sent your sister1 a SMS. It doesn't matter if you hurt her feelings. She hurt yours first! At least she will not bother you with complaining SMSs any more.
    Warm hugs!