Thursday, January 1, 2015

New year=blank slate

Hubs and I always have a very low-key New Year's Eve celebration.  We lit a fire, ordered a pizza, and watched Football (American variety) on TV.  Hubs' cold is still hanging on and making him miserable so he went to bed early and I stayed up for a bit.  I sat in front of the fire and tried to read but couldn't focus so I watched the fire burn in the hope that it would relax me enough to actually sleep.  Instead it made me think about the year that 2014 was.  All of a sudden I started to cry.  Not an angry cry.  Or a bitter cry.  It wasn't a breakdown.  It wasn't an ugly cry.  It was a sad cry.  Of all of the cries I've had so far this one was unique.  I wasn't blaming myself or my broken body.  I wasn't feeling inadequate.  Or jealous.  I wasn't guilt-ridden.  I was just sad.  We lost a dream in 2014.  A big dream.  We never thought we'd end up without a child or two or maybe even three. But here we are.  We are grieving the loss of what never was.

Sometimes I feel like a fraud because we didn't pursue all options.  We said no to IVF.  We said no to donor eggs.  It wasn't right for us.  There was a low chance of success.  I knew in my heart that it wouldn't work.  I couldn't handle the heartbreak.  But I feel like a fraud, like we didn't do as much as we could have or should have.  It was the right decision for us.  We haven't regretted it once.  But we also have to live with the consequences of the decision.  I don't want to be judged for not trying harder.  We did what was best for us.

I'm still reeling a bit from last night.  The wave of emotions that I experienced caught me by surprise. To this point the majority of my emotions have been around the themes of anger, bitterness, self-blame or guilt, and this was none of those.  I don't know how long I cried but I did feel somewhat renewed when I was all cried out.  I'm still thinking about everything 24 hours later.

2015 is going to be a year of change.  A blank slate of sorts.  A year of redefining what we want our life to look like.  I am so much stronger than I thought I was, even though I feel incredibly weak right now.   I can do this.  Being nice to me is a start.  None of this is my fault.  Biology failed me.  This isn't my fault.  It sucks but nothing I have done or that has happened to me caused this.  My relationship with hubs is as strong as it's ever been.  We can do this.  Together.  Maybe if I write all of this enough I'll actually believe it.