I'm feeling a little bit ambivalent about life right now. The searing grief doesn't affect me that often anymore. I don't feel like I'm walking around under a black cloud all the time anymore. This is a development over probably the last month. Lately I haven't felt bitter or angry or overly emotional very often. It's always there, just under the surface and can come out at any time (sometimes when I don't expect it), but it doesn't consume me, if that makes sense. How I feel is weird to me, however. It's a general ambivalence about life. I'm not really sad or mad or bitter all the time but I'm not really happy either. It's like I'm in a suspended state of just trying to carry on with my life. Considering the alternative is being an emotional wreck all the time, I think this is an improvement. I'm still mourning the loss of what never was and I think I will be for a long time (maybe even forever), but I'm starting to see glimpses of the me that infertility stole. I like that me.
I think this is normal. I think it is part of the healing process. I think I am in a better place today then I was in a month ago, or six months ago, or definitely a year ago.