A little over a week ago, I met Sarah. I've struggled to find the right words to write about meeting her. Why? Because I realized how important it is to be in the presence of others who get me and who understand what I've been through, and because I realized how many friendships have been lost or fundamentally changed because of infertility (or, probably more accurately, because of how infertility changed me).
I wasn't really nervous to meet Sarah. We know each other through our blogs and we seemed to get along in the emails and texts planning their visit. We decided to meet at a local lake to go kayaking. I figured that in the unlikely event that we didn't have anything to talk about, at least we could talk about nature. We didn't need to talk about nature.
I arrived at the lake a few minutes early, changed into my sandals, and applied sunscreen. As I was finishing up Sarah texted to let me know that they were there and she was standing outside the boathouse and wearing a pink shirt. I took a deep breath and headed over.
We recognized each other immediately and hugged like we've known each other for years. With that hug all of the walls that I've spent years building came crumbling down. I knew that I was with one of my people and that I could be myself with no fear of judgement.
I can only describe the next few hours as completely soul refreshing. I can't even remember the last time I was this unguarded in a face to face conversation with another human being. Empathy and understanding flowed from her veins, and I hope from mine too. Laughter, sarcasm, and cursing came out of both of our mouths. But so did deep and meaningful conversation.
Just going kayaking with Sarah (and Julio) would have been enough to make my summer. But the icing on the cake came the next day when hubs and I went out to dinner with them, got to show them our house, and seeing hubs open up in ways that he never has before.
As they prepared to leave our house, Sarah and I hugged again. But this time it was different. I knew that in a few short minutes they would be gone and that I would need to rebuild some of the walls that I didn't need with her. I managed to hold in the tears until they pulled away. '
I suspect that it will not be the last time that we spend time with Sarah and Julio. And I hope to get the opportunity to spend time with the rest of you too, because spending time with Sarah and Julio left me craving more time with my people.
I've met bloggers and other internet friends (those who shared my ectopic losses), and I've found that if you get on well through blogs and forums and emails, then you'll probably get on well in real life. There's something about too, these connections we make, "getting to know each other from the inside out" as my friend Sarahg says, that mean we are so much further ahead in establishing a relationship, because we get the tough stuff out of the way first.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you all got on so well, and that you felt that freedom that can be so hard in "normal" society.
This has reminded me that it was three years ago this month that I met Klara. Those first hugs - there's something about them!
dear Mali - how time flies, there are three years already? I do hope we meet again!
DeleteDear BnotB, I hope to meet you one day soon. I am already looking forward to that day!
Agreed! Getting to know each other from the inside is the most perfect way to describe it. Yes, we were able to skip all of the "getting to know you" awkwardness.
DeleteI'm so glad that you and Klara had the opportunity to meet. Someday I will have the opportunity to meet you both!
It's so amazing to be around people who truly GET it. Some of my friends have been wonderful support, some have been terrible... but there's nothing like someone who has also walked that road and can relate to the rollercoaster of emotions. Glad you had such a wonderful day :)
ReplyDeleteThanks! There's something special about spending time with people who walked the same path!
DeleteSo nice to spend time with people who get it. For me, when I meet someone new, it's always a bonus to find out they've been through the same stuff (not that I'm wishing this on people, but ..). When they tell me they've got five kids for e.g (so common where I am!), it's just not the same... As for meeting people that you know from online: yeah, I agree with Mali, it usually works. You already have the common ground that you don't have when you meet a new person, so the foundations are there I think
ReplyDeleteExactly! That common ground is so valuable. It's not that people with five kids are inherently bad or that I'm not open to being friends with them, but with them there is going to be more work to find that common ground.
DeleteI am so glad to read this. It makes me happy for you! Being new to the blogosphere, I haven't met anyone in person yet, but I hope I will one day ;-).
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you will one day. And it will be wonderful!
DeleteSo true, I used to hate monthly meetings at work but there is a coworker who has been doing the testing and had some bad test results and is in the process of re-evaluating her plans. I don't wish this on anyone, but for a few minutes once a month we talk about how things are going and how annoying it is when all your friends are pregnant and no one gets it, and that makes me look forward to meeting day.
ReplyDeleteSo true, I used to hate monthly meetings at work but there is a coworker who has been doing the testing and had some bad test results and is in the process of re-evaluating her plans. I don't wish this on anyone, but for a few minutes once a month we talk about how things are going and how annoying it is when all your friends are pregnant and no one gets it, and that makes me look forward to meeting day.
ReplyDeleteSorry, I've been "away" from the blogosphere for a bit, in part because I've been busy traveling:-)
ReplyDeleteSuch an amazing time for us too!! I crave rare opportunities to be "normal" - I am still stunned by 1)how much I have to edit myself around people in my daily life and 2)by the myriad of reasons I might need to do it. In spite of being generally open and transparent about our losses, emotions and the infinite fallout with which we deal on a daily basis. I think we all slowly cope piece by piece and often don't realize how much the normalcy of being has eroded until we actually get to be around someone who gets it. It's invaluable. Thanks for a fabulous meeting my friend, and I do hope it's not the last time we see each other.