Talking

When we were going through infertility my husband was very stoic.  I knew it bothered him.  I knew he was hurting.  I knew it was angry.  But he almost never showed emotion.  I think he felt like he needed to be strong for me.  And I'm so glad that he was.  But at the same time I wanted, no needed, him to show some emotion.  I didn't care if it was anger or tears or something in between.  He rarely did.  It made me resent him.  Time passed.  We both started to heal, both individually and as a couple. I let go of any resentment that I still held on to and accepted that we handled our emotions differently, and that it was okay, and that there was no "right" way to handle it.

I found a support system through blogging and through pen pals who don't blog but that I met through blogging.  I found people I trusted and who I could share the good, the bad, and the ugly with.  Hubs never found that, and based on Eric's recent post, it doesn't seem like it is uncommon for men to not have a support system.  I'm becoming more open and starting to talk more publicly about infertility and how our journey didn't end with a baby.  Hubs supports me in this, but he still really isn't able to talk about it beyond a simple acknowledgement.

That changed over the weekend.

Sarah and her husband Julio came to Pittsburgh over the weekend, and naturally we spent some time with them.  I could go on and on about how amazing she is and they are, and I will eventually, but I'm still trying to process it all, and figure out the right words to capture it all and how much it meant to me (and hubs).

But I want to write about one small part of our time with them.  Something so small that they probably didn't even pick up on.  

Hubs talked.  At dinner.  At our house afterwards.  Openly.  Honestly.  Comfortably.  I've never seen him share like this before.  He's a man of few words.  To a casual onlooker it probably seemed like normal conversation.  But to me it it was like a breech in a dam.

I don't know if it was that we were with another couple just like us.  Or if it was because there was another guy who had been through many of the same things.  Or because it was the first time he's been around another woman who, like me, is trying to claw her way out of the hellhole that is infertility.  Or because he knew he could trust Sarah and Julio.  Or because of something else.  I don't know and he doesn't either (I asked).  He just said that talking with them felt "normal."

I also think hubs really started to see that I'm doing pretty well.  That I'm not as fragile as I used to be.  Maybe this was what he needed to finally get it all out there.  After Sarah and Julio left we laid in bed and he talked for what seemed like hours about all that we lost.  I want to be there for him like he has always been there for me, and maybe the weekend was a start.