A little over a year ago I lost a friend as part of the fallout of stepping off of the infertility crazy train and moving forward with figuring out my new life without children. The sad truth is that she was incapable of supporting me in moving forward and I got to the point where I knew that if I was going to get through this that I needed to surround myself with people who didn't judge or question me at every step along the way. We've both moved forward with our lives and she seems to be doing quite well. I found out through a mutual acquaintance that she was pregnant a few months ago. While I had no desire to reach out to her or congratulate her, I'm genuinely happy for her and wish her the best.
She finally announced her pregnancy on Facebook with photos from a maternity shoot (two things she said she'd never do, but whatever) over the weekend. Even though I knew it was coming, it still stung a bit.
Yesterday I received a Facebook invitation to her baby shower. As soon as I saw the invite, I had one of those moments where the air was immediately sucked from my lungs. I sat there trying to catch my breath. I asked, out loud, why she would invite me. She knows I don't go to baby showers.
The logical, rational part of me knows that since it was a Facebook invite, she likely sent it to everyone on her friends list with one click of the mouse. Even though we aren't speaking anymore I don't think that she would have purposely sent me the invitation because she knows something like that would hurt me. All of the justification in the world doesn't help. In fact, in a way, justifying her behavior only sets the stage to undermine my feelings about it.
The truth is that receiving the invitation hurt me deeply. It made me angry. It made me jealous. These things aren't easy to admit. I know it probably sounds pretty horrible (at least to anyone outside of this community) that a baby shower invitation made me angry. But it's a brutally honest admission, and while I'm not necessarily proud of this admission, I'm not ashamed of it either. And I'm not a bad person for feeling this way.
Feelings are messy. They aren't always logical. You don't get to pick how something is going to make you feel, and sometimes you can't even anticipate it. If there's one thing I've learned over the past couple of years, it's that boxing the emotions up (even the ugly ones) and not dealing with them as they come is not a good strategy. On the other hand, working through the ugly stuff leads to healing. Maybe there will be a day when a baby shower doesn't lead to such an intense reaction. Maybe this day will never come. But either way, it's okay.
It's true, you can justify what happened that you got this invite. But honestly, that's not where you need to be focusing. What you need to focus on is that this hurt you, even if not intended. It doesn't mean that you have to call her out on this, but it is completely okay too to acknowledge that you're still healing and this was a sucker punch. That even though she may not have intended to do so, you still hurt from this.
ReplyDeleteI absolutely agree with you that boxing up the negative emotions is not a good strategy. And that working through the ugly stuff does lead to healing. Anyone who tells you otherwise is either selfish or in absolute denial.
Sending you love and many hugs from this. Though I agree that one day it will all be okay, it's also okay that right now it's not. So we're here supporting you as you work through this.
Thanks, Cristy! I'm learning that I don't have to apologize for how I feel and that there are no right or wrong feelings, and that this is okay.
DeleteIt sounds like she either has 'amnesia' with regard to what you were going through when you and her were friends, or the empathy was never there, unfortunately. It shows you are a nice person, and a better person than me, that you're happy for her - I can honestly say I was only ever upset and devastated when things like this happened, and often did not wish people well at all (dark admissions...).
ReplyDeleteA few years down the line, it is not as visceral when these announcements are made or invitations are advanced - there are little twinges, but I'm now more likely to straightforwardly just refuse to go to a shower because it's not my thing and I would be bored out of my brains. So yes that intensity did pass, and I'm sure it will for you; for now, know that 'the community' are definitely with you in spirit!
It's taken me a while to be genuinely happy for friends who get pregnant, and even still, it is pretty much only reserved for people who I knew struggled. There are still far more pregnancies that make me angry then happy (two of my three sisters, for example).
DeleteAbout four years ago I attended a baby shower for my husband's cousin's wife. He has a big Italian family and presence and things like this is expected. After crying the entire way home I promised myself that I never had to go to another one ever again.
It's so good to know that the feelings I have are common, thanks for your honesty.
DeleteI am sorry that you got that kind of "mass invitation" with no consideration for what you have been through. I suppose that your guess is right, but still, it is only natural to feel hurt. You sound very healthy in dealing with it though. You can be proud of that.
ReplyDeleteBaby showers must be such a horrible thing. I know I am lucky because we do not have them in our parts of Europe.
You are lucky to not need to deal with baby showers! :)
DeleteI know it wasn't meant to hurt, but it still does. I'm much better today though.
Yes, in Europe we are lucky, we don't have baby showers. But on the other hand - when I was little, we didn't know Valentine's day and now it one of the major things. I am sure that baby showers will eventually come to Europe as well.
DeleteBut there are all other invitations / events that hurt as well.
I agree with Risa - you have here ton of us who understand <3
xoxo
Klara
Unfortunately they probably will make their way to Europe. Which is great for the parents to be but really hard on people like us. :(
DeleteI think Klara's situation is very similar to here in NZ. Baby showers are starting, I understand, though I've never been invited. And Valentine's Day never used to be a thing either, but it is growing.
DeleteI don't like mass FB invites. It's so impersonal. No matter what it is for. I would have had the same reaction as you. Luckily there are a ton of us on here who understand <3
ReplyDeleteI agree that it is really impersonal. Especially since I live 1200 miles and even if the circumstances were different, I probably wouldn't come. Basically I view it as a ploy to get stuff.
DeleteOne of the things I love about blogging is the community of people who understand!
The baby shower invitations never stop sucking that air of the room. As I move from "resigned childless" to "adapted Childfree" (my friends all had babies this year and watching them have no life or money is subtly satisfying) I still find even the prospect of a baby shower threatening, like I know a recently married friend will probably have children, and I'm already thinking of excuses. I think in this case you have to just decline and move on, no excuse or explanation necessary. Seems like a gift grab anyway.
ReplyDeleteExactly! Thinking about you as you go through all of these (stupid) baby showers.
DeleteI'm not surprised you felt angry. There are so many emotions involved, not least the loss of a friendship, which can be very painful. To then receive such a casual, indifferent almost invitation, would have felt very cruel. But then, if she sent a casual, indifferent invitation, then that's how you should respond. Don't feel at all guilty for not going. And I agree with Melios - no excuse or explanation necessary. Allowing myself to decline invitations without excuses or explanation has been enormously liberating for me.
ReplyDeleteOne day - not today, so don't beat yourself up for it - I think you'll be able to laugh at her for a) sending a mass invitation to a baby shower (how ridiculously impersonal), and b) sending it to you. But it'll take a few years ... maybe ten!
This particular baby shower, I feel no guilt about at all. Thankfully. I wish her the best, I really do, but I'm not going and I don't feel guilty. I gave myself permission to never go to another baby shower again several years ago. Of course this is subject to change if I ever feel up to it, but I can't imagine that I will.
DeleteI can't laugh about it yet, but right now I'm just shaking my head at how much of a jerk she was.
I'm sorry this happened, but I have to say I love your self aware and self respecting take on things.
ReplyDeleteThis:
"In fact, in a way, justifying her behavior only sets the stage to undermine my feelings about it."
And this:
"If there's one thing I've learned over the past couple of years, it's that boxing the emotions up (even the ugly ones) and not dealing with them as they come is not a good strategy. On the other hand, working through the ugly stuff leads to healing."
Yeah!! Go YOU.
I've given myself permission to never attend another baby shower for as long as I live if necessary. And as I come through the grieving and healing process, I'm becoming more aware of the many quite frankly more important ways I can support people in this world.
Amen! I'm happy to support people. Just not in a celebratory-my uterus did what it was supposed to do-presents grab sort of manner.
DeleteIt's all such a learning process, isn't it?
How you feel is not horrible, at all. What's horrible is sending out a FACEBOOK invite for such a personal event. I hate, hate, hate Facebook invites that I receive from people I barely know to go paint and drink or buy supersoft leggings or learn how to clean my house without chemicals. But a BABY SHOWER? Especially from someone you've parted ways with, it seems more than insensitive. I'm sorry that this happened, but I completely understand your feelings. It's a crap situation, and I'm glad you're not going but so so sorry that you were invited in the first place. Argh.
ReplyDeleteExactly! If she wanted to do a Facebook invite for close and/or local friends, I guess that's okay. But not to send it to someone who's story she knows and who lives 1200 miles away.
DeleteThankfully I'm over it now and am writing it off as just another reason that I'm glad that our friendship fizzled.
It's just tasteless to invite someone to shower on Facebook in the first place. When throwing what is essentially a presents-party, it's really important to stress that it comes from real affection, and the one-click evite has the opposite effect. The fact that she included you given where you are in your life and where you left off with this relationship is just shockingly insensitive. Seems like you made the right move by cutting line with her!
ReplyDeleteYes, and thank you. For about a second I thought I might be overreacting, but the reaction here seems to indicate that I was not at all.
Delete