Yesterday concluded a whirlwind four weeks in which we attended four family gatherings (three out of state), drove over 1000 miles, concluded the busiest semester that I've ever had, and managed to stay (mostly) sane. I'm incredibly thankful that we have the ability and means to travel to our families and that hubs and I both have jobs that we love. But the truth is, we're exhausted and glad that all of our holiday travels are behind us.
I recently wrote about not feeling very Christmassy, and that's still true, but now that all of the busyness of the holiday season is behind us, I can start to focus on spending meaningful quality time with hubs, and doing Christmas our style, the way that we want, on nobody's schedule but our own. Maybe the Christmas spirit will make an appearance soon? There's still a few days.....
Last night when we got home I opened a bottle of wine, a gift from a
friend, that I'd been saving for a special occasion (four consecutive
weekends of family togetherness without a breakdown seemed pretty
special), lit a fire, and enjoyed relaxing and being alone with my
thoughts. I've been going in high gear for so long that I desperately
needed this quiet. It was nice for a few minutes. But sometimes when all is still, when I have a moment to stop and observe my surroundings, to listen to the quiet, the thoughts I don't like to think and feelings I don't like to feel bubble up to the surface.
Christmas is never going to be how I once imagined it, and I'm having a really hard time with that today. Today my heart hurts for unrealized dreams and unmet expectations. My heart aches for what will never be and I'm angry at the unfairness of it all. My brain is stuck in the land of "what if?" What if we'd done things differently? Would the outcome have been different?
I know I sound like a broken record.
Is it healthy to go to this place? Probably not. Is it normal? Probably. Do I like it? Hell no. Why do I go here? I don't know.
Today is hard. Tomorrow will be better.