Yesterday concluded a whirlwind four weeks in which we attended four family gatherings (three out of state), drove over 1000 miles, concluded the busiest semester that I've ever had, and managed to stay (mostly) sane. I'm incredibly thankful that we have the ability and means to travel to our families and that hubs and I both have jobs that we love. But the truth is, we're exhausted and glad that all of our holiday travels are behind us.
I recently wrote about not feeling very Christmassy, and that's still true, but now that all of the busyness of the holiday season is behind us, I can start to focus on spending meaningful quality time with hubs, and doing Christmas our style, the way that we want, on nobody's schedule but our own. Maybe the Christmas spirit will make an appearance soon? There's still a few days.....
Last night when we got home I opened a bottle of wine, a gift from a
friend, that I'd been saving for a special occasion (four consecutive
weekends of family togetherness without a breakdown seemed pretty
special), lit a fire, and enjoyed relaxing and being alone with my
thoughts. I've been going in high gear for so long that I desperately
needed this quiet. It was nice for a few minutes. But sometimes when all is still, when I have a moment to stop and observe my surroundings, to listen to the quiet, the thoughts I don't like to think and feelings I don't like to feel bubble up to the surface.
Christmas is never going to be how I once imagined it, and I'm having a really hard time with that today. Today my heart hurts for unrealized dreams and unmet expectations. My heart aches for what will never be and I'm angry at the unfairness of it all. My brain is stuck in the land of "what if?" What if we'd done things differently? Would the outcome have been different?
I know I sound like a broken record.
Is it healthy to go to this place? Probably not. Is it normal? Probably. Do I like it? Hell no. Why do I go here? I don't know.
Today is hard. Tomorrow will be better.
It’s raining here today and after the heat of the last few days it’s very welcome, but it also slows my thoughts. Makes me more reflective, and at this time of year that broken record you mentioned is also softly playing in the background.
ReplyDeleteThat these thoughts keep returning? Maybe it’s our way of trying to process, and accept to some degree, a life altering experience that we would never have freely embraced. A two steps backward day; trying to find a justification for this unplanned detour. Accepting that we need to find an alternate route. A way of grieving, and grief has no time limit.
With experience I’ve learnt to let them visit, pay their respects (have a little cry), and then show them on their way.
The next time they arrive I might realise that they’re only allowed a more fleeting visit before once again departing.
Always remember to celebrate the little victories.
Letting these thoughts visit and then showing them on their way is a great way to look at it! Sometimes it is the little victories!
DeleteMy heart aches for you. It's also not fair that you can't get the relaxation you deserve and need. Hope that the coming days are brighter.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Naomi M
Relaxation is definitely happening. :)
DeleteI'm sending hugs. Gr8southlandgirl has said what I would say. It's okay to grieve. In fact, I think you need to grieve. You'll get to the stage where you appreciate the silence. But it takes time, and is painful. And I'm not sure it ever goes away. The years when I'm surrounded by family are easy for me now, and I love them. But they were hard too once. Still, silence can be hard even now. It's normal, it's hard, none of us like it, and none of us can really control why we go there. Gradually we get more and more accustomed to not going there. But every so often. So give yourself a break, and be especially kind to yourself just at the moment.
ReplyDeleteYou are awesome, as always, and said just what I needed to hear. I'm working on the whole "being kind to myself" thing.
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