I handled Mother's day pretty well, both the lead up to it and the actual day. Father's day, apparently not so much. It all started earlier this week when I went to watch a news clip and this gem was the commercial before the clip. I watched about two seconds before realizing what it was and closing that window, but the damage was done. TV commercials, news coverage, all of it. It hit me hard. I cried myself to sleep last night.*
Hubs? He was fine with it. Excited, actually. Why? Because there were father's day sales on tools. He said something along the lines of "it's not like they make you show up with your kids to prove you're a father, so I'm taking advantage of their stupidity to get some good deals." He didn't actually buy anything because nothing he wanted/needed was on sale, but I did like his attitude.
Our infertility is my fault**. My body is broken. He's fine. Great, actually. We can't have kids because of me. Guilt. Shame. Not being good enough. Ugly feelings. If he were with any other woman he would have had kids.
And the stupid commercial...I'll never get to surprise him. I'll never get to tell him that he's going to be a dad. I'll never get to see the look on his face. It sucks.
I think that mother's day wasn't quite as hard for me since I've accepted that I can't have kids. But father's day was much harder because I haven't accepted that hubs can't have kids because of me. Sounds weird, but that's what I came up with.
Hubs is a saint. He's told me more than once that he'd prefer to spend the rest of his life with me and no kids as opposed to with someone else and a litter of kids. And I know he means it. I just wish I could get over this mental hurdle. He is.
But I know everything will be ok. On the weekends when we don't usually have a schedule and can sleep in for a bit, we lay in bed, not quite asleep, but not awake either and just cuddle. I wouldn't want to be anyplace else. I know he wouldn't want to be anyplace else other. It's in those quiet moments that I know I'm not alone in this. It's in those moments I know where he'll always be there. Sometimes words aren't needed. He would have been a great dad, but an amazing husband is a pretty great consolation prize.
**In my heart I know that there is no blame to be assigned, that it's just a random, crappy thing that happened. I know it's not my fault, but sometimes it feels that way. Right now is one of those times.
My heart is in Charleston tonight. Nine families lost loved ones on Thursday because of hatred. Because some asshole decided to go and kill a bunch of people because he didn't like the color of their skin. After they welcomed him with open arms. I just don't understand. This madness has got to stop.