Sunday, June 21, 2015

Well that came out of nowhere....

I handled Mother's day pretty well, both the lead up to it and the actual day.  Father's day, apparently not so much.  It all started earlier this week when I went to watch a news clip and this gem was the commercial before the clip.  I watched about two seconds before realizing what it was and closing that window, but the damage was done.  TV commercials, news coverage, all of it.  It hit me hard.  I cried myself to sleep last night.*

Hubs?  He was fine with it.  Excited, actually.  Why?  Because there were father's day sales on tools.  He said something along the lines of "it's not like they make you show up with your kids to prove you're a father, so I'm taking advantage of their stupidity to get some good deals."  He didn't actually buy anything because nothing he wanted/needed was on sale, but I did like his attitude.

Our infertility is my fault**.  My body is broken.  He's fine.  Great, actually.  We can't have kids because of me.  Guilt.  Shame.  Not being good enough.  Ugly feelings.  If he were with any other woman he would have had kids.

And the stupid commercial...I'll never get to surprise him.  I'll never get to tell him that he's going to be a dad.  I'll never get to see the look on his face.  It sucks.

I think that mother's day wasn't quite as hard for me since I've accepted that I can't have kids.  But father's day was much harder because I haven't accepted that hubs can't have kids because of me.  Sounds weird, but that's what I came up with.

Hubs is a saint.  He's told me more than once that he'd prefer to spend the rest of his life with me and no kids as opposed to with someone else and a litter of kids.  And I know he means it.  I just wish I could get over this mental hurdle.  He is.

But I know everything will be ok.  On the weekends when we don't usually have a schedule and can sleep in for a bit, we lay in bed, not quite asleep, but not awake either and just cuddle.  I wouldn't want to be anyplace else.  I know he wouldn't want to be anyplace else other.  It's in those quiet moments that I know I'm not alone in this.  It's in those moments I know where he'll always be there.  Sometimes words aren't needed.  He would have been a great dad, but an amazing husband is a pretty great consolation prize.

*Damn period
**In my heart I know that there is no blame to be assigned, that it's just a random, crappy thing that happened.  I know it's not my fault, but sometimes it feels that way.  Right now is one of those times.


My heart is in Charleston tonight.  Nine families lost loved ones on Thursday because of hatred.   Because some asshole decided to go and kill a bunch of people because he didn't like the color of their skin.  After they welcomed him with open arms.  I just don't understand.  This madness has got to stop.


  1. I'm really sorry this hit you hard. I think it's a case of "it's easier to bear my pain than my husband's." I can relate to this though. I actually today have a post brewing on the whole "our bodies failed our husbands/wives" issue, so it is interesting that you raised it today of all days. Though it might take me a few days/weeks to put together. (Lots of thinking before I start writing).

    1. I can't wait to read your post! Most of the time I'm ok with this, but sometimes it swoops in out of nowhere and hits me hard. The funny thing is that my husband doesn't see it this way at all, it's completely me putting this on myself.

  2. *HUGS* I am sending you lots of virtual hugs.

    Your hubby does have a good attitude. I have to agree with him, why not take advantage of a sale like that. Your hubby and mine sound really similar. It's the kind of thing my hubby would say too.

    It is in no way your fault and what your hubby said to you, that is exactly what mine said to me when I went through this stage of blame. I still feel that it's my fault and I don't think that will ever go away. I feel for you and understand where it is this is coming from. This whole who gets to have children and who doesn't may be random, but it really truly sucks. *HUG*

    I haven't heard the news about Charleston yet. That is such a terrible thing to happen. I do sometimes wonder why our world is so twisted and why these sorts of things happen.

    I really wish I could give you a real hug. It might not make things better but know that someone cares and is crying with you.

    1. Virtual hugs are appreciated too! And in some respects I do think that a hug makes better sometimes, because that physical touch makes you feel not quite so alone. If that makes sense.

      Maybe feeling like this isn't so uncommon after all? I almost didn't hit publish on the post because I thought it was stupid.

      Our husbands sound like two peas in a pod. Mine could care less about the purpose of the sale, just that there is a sale. :)

  3. It is not weird at all. For me, it was much easier to accept the fact that I will remain childless for good. But - the fact that my beloved husband will remain childless because of me, was really hard.

    A tip, what helped. I also offered my husband that I wouldn't blame him if he wanted to find his happiness somewhere else.
    His responses / atitute were I guess very much similair to your husband's.
    Conclusion: it was his decision that he stayed. So - I am not to blame :)

    (I find that in hard situations it helps if one can joke).

    Charleston - I am sorry for all the lives lost.

    1. I often find humor helps tough situations too! I love what you said! I am not to blame either. I need to remember that.