Today was better than yesterday, yesterday was much better than Monday. Monday night was just plain rough. I was fine until I wasn't fine, and then it was ugly. The previous post was written at the low point.
Appreciation does not begin to capture my gratitude for all of those who reached out to me in the comments of my last post and/or by email. I am so thankful to be part of a community where people understand. Seriously, thank you all!
My sister and niece came home from the hospital this afternoon. Everyone is doing well. I'm not sure when we will drive over and meet her. Part of me wants to go over ASAP and hold her and kiss her and look into her beautiful eyes and tell her that I love her.. The other part of me wants to run in the opposite direction.
I look at pictures of my new niece and am absolutely captivated by this tiny human. I'm surprised by this. I couldn't look at pictures of my niece born in February without crying for several weeks.
She has huge feet and long, skinny toes and fingers. She has my sister's nose. Her daddy's cheeks. Bright blue eyes. Chubby legs. She sent me a picture of my three month old and three day old nieces laying beside one another. It's amazing how fast they grow and change.
I feel a little of the all too familiar gut punch of looking at a baby with a sense of wonder while processing that I'm never going to have my own baby to marvel over. I know it will pass. Maybe this is something I will feel always when I see a new baby?
Possibly. But the gut punch will ease to a twinge. I'm glad you're feeling better. I suspect that you might feel a special bond with this little one. I feel one with a child born in the UK, on the due date of my second ectopic baby. I've met her twice, and not for many years now. She'll be 12 soon - and I shake my head in wonderment at that. She's always a reminder, but it isn't painful, and hasn't been ever since I met her when she was just 16 months old.
ReplyDeleteThat may just happen, Mali. I have a special relationship with her mother, my youngest sister, and always have, so it makes sense that I would have a special relationship with at least one of her kids too. When her oldest was born we lived six hours away and it was hard to really bond with her. When her second daughter was born we were in the throes of infertility and I built up a wall. And now, with my two newest nieces, I know that it's over for us. I know that we'll never have our own kids, but there's no reason that I can't be a badass aunt.
DeleteIt's such a conflicting feeling isn't it? A tug of emotion that I think women in our situation will never completely leave behind but maybe one day, we might still feel this when seeing a new baby but the sense of wonder will become more powerful of a feeling than the other ...
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you are already quite smittened with your new niece.
I am glad you are feeling better. You are handling all of this very well.
Such a strong tug of emotion. I don't feel like I'm handling it that well, but I guess compared to my niece that was born in February, I am. So I should give myself credit. :)
Deletedear BnB,
ReplyDeleteI am so glad to read these lines today. I am glad you are feeling better.
xo
Thanks, Klara! It definitely seems to be passing faster this time compared to February. :)
DeleteGlad you are feeling better too! Nieces & nephews are NOT the same thing as having our own kids... but they are pretty great in their own right. ;)
ReplyDeleteExactly! Spoil them, give them sugar, and then send them home! :)
DeleteThe spectrum of feelings we have to feel is insane, isn't it? Sounds like you were feeling it all which is so hard and admirable:-)
ReplyDeleteI have found the things that trigger me to be less triggering lately - now one year, four months and 10 days from the end of our children. I know this doesn't make tough moments any easier, but just throwing it out there as an FYI. The sight of babies definitely brings me down and makes me feel sad most of the time. Though they are something I still avoid, I don't have the same physical life or death reaction that I used to. The sadness I now feel is quite an upgrade from the tumultuous emotions that were seizing me off and on the first year of my grief. It's nice and surprising to have some relief from this......but I wish I could provide a reason. Instead, I have to chalk it up to the mystery of healing and know that it doesn't happen in a straight line and is a different see-saw for everyone.
Healing is definitely a mystery! I'm so glad to hear that you're not finding your triggers quite as triggering too. It's weird how it works that way. Feeling all of the feelings is so hard, but I know it's necessary. Knowing that doesn't make it any easier though.
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