Monday, June 1, 2015

I have (another) new niece

She was born around 2 this afternoon.  She has a head full of dark, curly hair.  Healthy.  Perfect.  Mom and dad and baby are doing great.  Her big sisters are enamored.

Me?  I'm feeling fragile.

I'm feeling all of the ugly feelings.

It's not fair.

Why does she get three and I get zero?


What did I do to deserve this?

It's not fucking fair.

How do three unplanned pregnancies happen?

Even though the logical part of my brain understands that fertility is completely random and her apparent surplus of fertility has absolutely no bearing whatsoever on my asshat ovaries and their inability to function as intended, right now it feels that way.  It feels like her success is laughing at my failure.

I get tonight to feel sorry for myself.  I get tonight to drink (a lot of) wine and cry.  Tomorrow is a new day.  I will be nicer to me.

On the bright side, I don't have anymore pregnant sisters (at least that I know of).

Tomorrow will be better.  So will the next day and the next day and the next day.


  1. Giving you a really really big hug.

    I'm so sorry. I know it doesn't change anything but I really feel for you. I'm sitting here and I'm wishing that your path had turned out differently to what it is today. I'm always wondering, why do bad things happen to good people.

    I'm glad to hear your sister's baby is healthy and mum is doing well but ... I'm also feeling like you need a very big hug and for someone to hold you.

    It's perfectly okay to feel this way. Infertility messes us up and it's okay to curse it. It sucks. It isn't fair.

    Unplanned pregnancies are ... well yeah I know how that feels. Hubby's sister had two unplanned pregnancies. It's hard to deal with.

    Definitely, tomorrow will be a better day but certainly allow yourself today to feel the way you do. It's only natural.

  2. I am sending you warm hugs across the Atlantic!

  3. Yes, you're allowed to feel this way, drink wine and cry. Please be nice to yourself. Know you have friends around the world holding you close.

  4. Thank you all! I went to bed last night feeling pretty down and woke up to love from all over the world. (So far) I'm doing better today.

    1. I am glad to hear today is turning out better for you. Definitely do something for yourself today, something that makes you feel good.

  5. I understand the pain. Life is unfair. Why can someone have better fertility than us? I just remind myself that its okay to have a pity party for a day (or two). But life goes on. Sending you love and prayers.

  6. Big hugs. There is really nothing to say, other than the universe sucks. Absolutely love yourself to help yourself get past this xoxo

  7. Sending hugs. It's definitely NOT fair. :p

    And congratulations. In time, I am sure you will hugely enjoy being an auntie to this little girl!

  8. It just doesn't make sense, does it? Yet our brains churn and churn to try to find logic in it anyway......and when none turns up again and again it is so painful to reconcile.

    I can really see how having your situation right next to hers could really trip a person up.

    I hope it's not bad blog etiquette to send "belated" hugs, because I'm sending them.

    1. Not bad etiquette at all! I can always use hugs! :)

  9. PS - I am really liking the no more pregnant sisters part of this though.