Please tell me that I'm not the only one who has infertility related breakdowns. Like curled up in a ball on the floor sobbing for like an hour type of breakdowns. I'm taking my sister's pregnancy/gender reveal really hard, and I guess I didn't realize how hard until last night. Lets just say that it was ugly.
My husband and I are a fine example of opposites attract. He is very logical, rational, calculated, level headed, thrives on planning and routines, etc. On the other hand I'm very emotional, spontaneous, impulsive, dives headfirst into everything I do, etc. Despite being polar opposites of each other, we really compliment one another and have a great marriage as a result. While I know that infertility has hurt him very deeply, he and I are handling it in very different ways. His grieving was a short, liner process handled within himself. I have no doubt that he dealt with his grief in a logical, sequential manner. But I'm not that way. My grieving, on the other hand, is a long and winding road, full of hairpin curves, detours, and wrong turns. It's really hard on him to see me hurting. First because he loves me and doesn't want to see me hurt and second because he just doesn't get how I can still be grieving.
So back to the aforementioned breakdown. Hubs tried to comfort me by telling me that I need to get over this and that it's not fair to my sister that I'm jealous. Of course he said this a lot more sensitively and with different words, but that's what I heard. It just goes back to he and I being so different and handling things in different ways, so I don't hold it against him. Eventually he remembered that when I get in states like that, the only appropriate things that he can do are to hold me tight, tell me he loves me, and tell me that everything is going to be ok.
I know that everything is going to be ok. I know that everything is going to get better. But right now it hurts so freaking bad and I just want it to stop. It doesn't feel like this is ever going to end. I don't want to put my husband in a position where he has to help me pick up the pieces every time I lose it. I just want to be a normal person who doesn't breakdown when somebody gets pregnant.
I had to smile a little at the Hubs' reaction. He hates seeing you in pain, and feels helpless. So will probably try saying anything that might help you "get over it." I'm so glad he realises that in the end, holding you tight and telling you he loves you and that everything is going to be okay is the best thing he can do. He sounds as if he is being a typical man actually! (Or like my husband at least). Don't be surprised that some time in the future - even one or two years away - when you are feeling better and have come to terms, that he might actually start expressing some of his grief.
ReplyDeleteI on the other hand don't think it's unfair to your sister. Sure, it would be lovely for her (AND you) if you were in a place where you could be overjoyed for her with no thoughts of what you are missing out on). But you're not doing this to hurt her, or out of selfishness, but out of grief. And everyone else will be making a fuss of your sister. She doesn't know that you're curled up on the floor sobbing. Your sobbing is not hurting her. Yes it gets ugly - it does, I know. I was lucky - working from home meant that my cats were the only witnesses of most of my breakdowns! But it gets better too. It really does. I promise.
And you will be a normal person who doesn't breakdown when somebody gets pregnant. I promise that too. One day someone close will announce a pregnancy, and you'll shrug. Or reel in shock that it doesn't really bother you. Just not now. Not this pregnancy. And if it is any help, I freaked out when my best friend got pregnant even before I was ttc! I knew it was a change of our friendship, and I grieved the loss of the intimacy we had had.
I'm fairly confident it is a "man thing"! That's why I don't hold it against him. He's trying really hard to help in the best way he knows how, even if it's not helping at all.
DeleteThank you for your words about my current state not being unfair to my sister. Sometimes I just have to take care of me first. I'm not out of the infertility closet with most of my family, and I'm fairly confident they wouldn't understand anyway (I'm the lone infertile in a sea of fertiles). I've already decided that if she has a baby shower, and she may since my nephew is nearly eight, that I will not be going, even if it means telling a white lie (e.g., stomach virus). When the baby is born I will put on a brave face and go meet her when I'm ready.
I can't wait for the day when I'm genuinely excited when someone announces a pregnancy. Or at least the day when it isn't an immediate reminder of my situation. Right now a lot of my friends are in prime childbearing years and it seems like another one bites the dust every couple of months, and it does change things. A lot.
I agree with Mali's post. It is not unfair to your sister, it is not about your sister but about you. Having no kids doesn't mean that we all have to start focusing on someone else at all times. And don't worry about putting your husband in this position now and don't feel guilty about being weak. When he married you he agreed to be with you through times of joy and through times of pain, and he is happy to be there for you because he knows you would do the same.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny that you mentioned times of joy and times of pain. After I was diagnosed and we were told that it was unlikely that we would ever conceive, I honestly told hubs that I loved him very much but that if he wanted to leave me that I completely understood. He told me that marrying me wasn't contingent on having children and that he would rather be with me forever with no children than with someone else and have children. It's the only time that I've seen him cry as it relates to infertility.
DeleteMali & Obie are right. It does get better, honestly. But it also does take time. A LOT of time. Eventually, those breakdowns will get farther & fewer between. I haven't had one in quite awhile -- but I will admit there are (still) days when other people's pregnancies & clueless happiness can get to me, and I have to leave the room. Or pour myself a stiff drink. ;)
ReplyDeleteThanks, loribeth! Maybe if enough people tell me I'll eventually start to believe it. :)
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