Saturday, October 25, 2014

My Crappy Week and Three Good Things

This has been a really tough week.  It seemed like everything collided and it was just rough.  I missed over a week of work at the end of September due to jury duty and I'm still not completely caught up from that.  To top that off, it seems like work conspires to have all meetings close enough together that it's hard to get a damn thing done.  But possibly the hardest thing this week was that my sister had her gender scan on Wednesday.  I was able to give my gender guess by phone without crying (barely) but later my idiot brother-in-law thought it would be great to tag me and hubs in photos of my nephew holding up a sign that said "It's a girl", my nephew holding up the scan pictures, and of their cute little family.  Thankfully I was able to hide the pictures and unsubscribe from comments and whatnot, but I still had to see them popping up on my news feed.  Then my sister texted to tell me that they had decided on a name, which coincidentally was "my" girl name.  Then at a meeting on Thursday there were three people showing off baby pictures (four people gave birth between April and June).  I was shown a picture, told the mother that she was cute and made a comment about her full head of hair.  Conversation ensued and I was asked if I was a "baby person" to which I replied "not really" and was then told that I'll change when I have my own baby.  I didn't even have the energy (and this woman is only a casual acquaintance) to tell her that no, I won't ever have my own baby.  Friday morning I got an email from a student saying that she found out that she was pregnant on Thursday and was freaking out a bit and was in no shape to come to class.  Also on Friday I finally told my mom that we decided to stay at our house for Christmas this year.  We decided that it was time for hubs and I to start our own family traditions because we've traveled every year we've been together and haven't had a chance to do our own thing.  She understands but took it hard.

After reading my previous post about emotions surrounding being child free (all negative), Obie challenged me to come up with a list of positive feelings about life without future children.  While I couldn't come up with 13, I was able to come up with a few.  I'll add to it as I come up with more.

Here are some positive feelings about life without children:

  1. Unencumbered- It is a nice feeling to know that I'm not going to have to consider children when making life decisions.  Hubs and I can do what we want without factoring kids into the equation.  When we eventually buy a house we can buy the house we want with no consideration given to expanding our family.  If I want to accept a new job, we can move wherever we want without worrying about things like switching schools or pediatricians. We can talk about whatever topics and use whatever language in our house that we want to without worrying that "little ears" are going to repeat what they hear at school.  It feels like freedom.
  2. Passionate-I think that one thing that most parents will agree on is that things in the bedroom take a hit when you have kids.  With no kids, we don't have to worry about this.  Additionally, without kids in the house we can be spontaneous and not worry about making sure the kids are in bed or that we'll wake them up.  I can say with 100% confidence that our sex life improved 1000 fold when we stepped off of the TTC train.  There are also bonuses such as, cough, not worrying about changes in your anatomy due to childbirth. 
  3. Connectedness-I can focus on the relationships that are meaningful and important to me without feeling guilt related to sacrificing time with my children to cultivate adult relationships.
This exercise was difficult but I think it was important.  Sometimes I get so lost in the grief and anger of this whole shit situation that it's hard to see through it and recognize that good could possibly come of it.  So thanks, Obie, for challenging me to do this.


  1. #1. It doesn't just feel like freedom. It IS freedom.
    Love #2. "Afternoon delights" are something that is particularly difficult for those with kids to indulge in.
    I also think that the lack of anatomical changes (not just for passion, but general day-to-day life - pelvic floor strength when you're in your 50s and beyond is a bonus!) deserves to be a separate item (#4?).
    #3. This is a good one.

    1. We enjoy indulging in Afternoon Delights at this house too! :) I hope this isn't too personal but it felt like we lost a whole lot of intimacy when we were TTC and we're steadily getting it back. Maybe I'm a romantic (or maybe just naive) but I think sex is as much about the emotional and spiritual connection as it is the physical one, and we all but lost that emotional connection for a while.

      Good to know that I have pelvic floor strength to look forward too!

  2. So sorry to hear about your crappy week :( Just think that it is good that all of this came at once and was not spread over a couple of months so you can just deal with it now and forget about it.

    So great you came up with the three great feelings!! See, there is always good in any situation! It was a challenging excerise and I have struggled with it all weekend. I came up with nine positive feelings. I just published my list but I will come and add my descriptions and what I mean under each point. I like your number one, it IS Freedom!

    I could also tell a lot facts about anatomical changes, and those changes do not come only after 50 but sometimes during pregnancy and right after and stay. We just don't know because no one talks about it to anyone except to medical professionals.

    1. I've found that my grief comes in waves (tsunamis?) rather than slow and steady. I'll be ok for a while and then be taken out by a big wave. I don't know if this is good/normal, but it's what typically happens for me.

      I'm still thinking on the positive feelings and may come up with a few more eventually.