I'm not used to failure. I set a goal, I work hard, and I achieve it. It didn't work that way with having a baby. We did everything we were supposed to do and more and it still didn't work. The worst part is that I'm the one who is broken and it's all my fault. My husband will never have a biological child because of me. I just can't get past that. He says it's not my problem, that it's our problem. The logical, rational part of me understands that it's not my fault. I didn't do anything wrong, that sometimes even when you do everything right, you still don't get what you want. I can't convince my heart of that though. My heart is shattered.
*This post is brought to you by PMS, waking up with cramps at 5:15am Sunday, spending an entire weekend with my niece and nephew, and my sister complaining about pregnancy. I'll be back to my usual, more cheery self soon.
You're allowed to have crappy days. No need to apologise. It wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. Yet still, you can't get what you wanted. Goes against everything we're taught as we grow up, doesn't it? Coming to terms with that takes time - but in the end it brings some peace.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely goes against everything we were taught! The rational part of my brain knows that this isn't my fault, that it is just a shit thing that happened, but when I start to go to the dark place, It's easy to blame myself.
DeleteI crave the peace that you speak of.