- Loss-The sense of loss is profound. I feel like we lost out on experiencing so many good things because I happen to have a shitty reproductive system. It wasn't supposed to be this way.
- Anger-It's just not fair. It's not fair that it's so easy for others. It's not fair that we wanted a baby so bad and it just never happened for us.
- Inadequate-How is it that crack whores and teenagers are worthy of having a baby and we're not? I have to think that these people are a hell of a lot less prepared than we were.
- Lonely-Infertility is so isolating. I have trouble making friends as it is, and now I have even less in common with people than I did before.
- Left behind-Goes along with being lonely. I can relate it to being the last kid picked in elementary PE. Except this time everyone has babies but leaves you behind.
- Incomplete-How is it possible to have a hole in my heart in the shape of something that never was?
- Confused-Did we go far enough? Should we have tried treatment? Should we have started trying earlier? Even though I know we went as far as we were willing and I know that even had we proceeded with treatment that it would have likely failed, I'm still second guessing our decision to not even try.
- Frustrated-Frustrated that all of our efforts were in vain. Frustrated that so few people actually understand (or make the effort to try to understand).
- Betrayed-My body can't do what it is supposed to do.
- Guilt-Intellectually I realize that there is no blame to be assigned, but I can't help but feeling like this is all my fault. That if I weren't broken we'd have a baby.
- Sad-Just so sad. Even on the good days I am sad.
- Vulnerable-I hate feeling this way. I hate not knowing when I'm randomly going to burst into tears. I feel exposed.
- Scared-Are we going to be ok? Is our life going to be just as fulfilling as we thought it was going to be a couple of years ago?
Monday, October 20, 2014
A month or so I blogged about how I was feeling really good but also that I was waiting for the bottom to fall out on it. Well, the bottom fell out. I'm struggling to find adequate words to describe how I'm feeling and put them together in a cohesive manner. Here are thirteen words that attempt to describe how I'm feeling right now: