Monday, October 20, 2014

Thirteen Words

 A month or so I blogged about how I was feeling really good but also that I was waiting for the bottom to fall out on it.  Well, the bottom fell out.  I'm struggling to find adequate words to describe how I'm feeling and put them together in a cohesive manner.  Here are thirteen words that attempt to describe how I'm feeling right now:

  1. Loss-The sense of loss is profound.  I feel like we lost out on experiencing so many good things because I happen to have a shitty reproductive system. It wasn't supposed to be this way.
  2. Anger-It's just not fair.  It's not fair that it's so easy for others.  It's not fair that we wanted a baby so bad and it just never happened for us.
  3. Inadequate-How is it that crack whores and teenagers are worthy of having a baby and we're not?  I have to think that these people are a hell of a lot less prepared than we were.
  4. Lonely-Infertility is so isolating.  I have trouble making friends as it is, and now I have even less in common with people than I did before.
  5. Left behind-Goes along with being lonely.  I can relate it to being the last kid picked in elementary PE.  Except this time everyone has babies but leaves you behind.
  6. Incomplete-How is it possible to have a hole in my heart in the shape of something that never was?
  7. Confused-Did we go far enough?  Should we have tried treatment?  Should we have started trying earlier?  Even though I know we went as far as we were willing and I know that even had we proceeded with treatment that it would have likely failed, I'm still second guessing our decision to not even try.
  8. Frustrated-Frustrated that all of our efforts were in vain.  Frustrated that so few people actually understand (or make the effort to try to understand).
  9. Betrayed-My body can't do what it is supposed to do.
  10. Guilt-Intellectually I realize that there is no blame to be assigned, but I can't help but feeling like this is all my fault.  That if I weren't broken we'd have a baby.
  11. Sad-Just so sad.  Even on the good days I am sad.
  12. Vulnerable-I hate feeling this way.  I hate not knowing when I'm randomly going to burst into tears.  I feel exposed.
  13. Scared-Are we going to be ok?  Is our life going to be just as fulfilling as we thought it was going to be a couple of years ago?
I'm sorry this is so heavy.  My heart hurts so bad right now and I just want the hurt to go away.  It gets better, I know it does, but right now I'm having trouble remembering that.


  1. I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Healing and coming to terms is hard. I've always said that you feel worse before you feel better, as reality sets in. All I can say is that it gets better. It gets better, it gets better, it gets better. If I say it enough you might begin to believe it, to trust that it gets better, and to let yourself relax. And you are not alone.

    I've written posts about most of your thirteen words - if you want me to send you the links, just e-mail me.

    1. I'd love to read your posts, Mali. I'll send you an email in a bit. It is comforting to know that it does get better, even though it's not something I can even wrap my mind around right now. This is just so hard. I want the hurt to go away, but I know it's not that easy.

  2. :( Yes, each and every feeling described hurt me as well... It will get better but I should warn you, it will not get better on its own without your active inner work (which you are actually doing right now!).

    Can you describe your good and positive feelings about your future life without children, also in thirteen words? I don't mean 'counting blessings', i.e. I can travel, I can sleep etc, but actually feelings... It could be interesting, I should do it myself tonight and then we will compare :)

    1. I am doing the inner work. Which is progress for me in and of itself because I have a history of not dealing with things that are tough!

      I honestly don't know if I can come up with positive feelings about not having children. Definitely not 13. I'll think on that over the next couple of days and make up a list. I think it will be a good exercise for me! Challenge accepted! :)

    2. Ok, let's do it! :) It will take me a few days too because, not surprisingly, it's so much harder to focus on positivity. I've already started thinking about it today and after a positive feeling number three I'm running blank :) My list of negatives could easily go on and on, though LOL

    3. I'm the same way! Negatives are essentially infinite. I've managed to come up with one so far, but now that it's bouncing around in my head I'll come up with a few more. My goal is five, though I would be happy with three.

  3. I can relate to every one of those feelings, having experienced them all at one time or another (& some of them still pop up now & then today, many years post-treatment). It DOES get better, but it does take time. (((hugs)))

    1. I have to say that one thing about this blog is that it has made me not feel so alone or so weird! It's reassuring to know that other people have felt the same way!