Sometimes the little things hit the hardest and sometimes those little things are seemingly unrelated to infertility. Last weekend I drove past a yard sale sign. I've always loved yard sales (and second-hand shopping in general) and have said for years that I can't wait to have kids so I can go buy them all the clothing they need at the sales. This is the first year where I know it's not a possibility, not even a small one. I'd like to say that I was able to brush it off, but the truth is that four days later I'm still thinking about it.
*****
It snowed today. It didn't stick. It was mixed with rain. But it snowed. It's almost May, damn it!
*****
If you're uncomfortable with discussion (bitching) about lady parts, skip the next two paragraphs.....
*****
I go for my IUD follow up next Tuesday. I'm actually glad to be going. I'm used to extended periods of bleeding/spotting, but this is extreme, even for me. I don't think I want to give up on it quite yet (all of the literature I've read about Mirena says that it can take up to six months for a person to adjust and irregular bleeding is to be expected, though I'm not sure that something like 28 consecutive days classifies as irregular), but I've hit my emotional threshold for handling it. On the bright side, if it ever stops, I'll get to replace all of my underwear!
*****
Hot flashes are sucking the life out of me. They literally almost make me wish for winter again. I just want to sleep through the night. Even six hours. Or five. I plan to address this at the IUD follow up and see if we can't figure out something to make them more manageable. They didn't seem quite as bad in the fall and winter since the outside temperatures were so much cooler, but now that it's getting warmer, it's pretty miserable. I drove home from the grocery store on Saturday with the AC blasting on high and a bag of frozen peas on my neck. Not fun.
*****
I won't bore you with anymore whining in this post, but I'm sure I'll have more things to whine about in the future. I'm thinking some wine with my whine may be necessary.
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
Things that make you go hmmmmmm
Did anyone else see the news reports about the 65 year-old woman who is pregnant with quadruplets? She already has 13 kids ranging in age from 44 to nine. Here are a few of my thoughts, pretty much in order:
- (string of curse words)
- This woman, who is literally one year shy of being double my age and already has a litter of kids, is pregnant and I could never get pregnant (despite being a normal age). It's unfair.
- Math. At minimum this woman will be 83 when her kids graduate from high school, provided that she lives that long. The average life expectancy for a German woman is 83. It seems selfish to me to take steps to get pregnant when it's unlikely that she will live to see them through adulthood.
- What do her other kids think? Particularly the 44 year old big brother/sister. Or the grandchildren who will be older than their aunts/uncles.
- Does the doctor who approved and preformed IVF even have ethical standards? The human body just plain isn't designed to handle pregnancy at that age. Case in point: the article says that it took multiple attempts (though it doesn't specify how many).
- I wonder how the egg donor feels about a woman of this age carrying a pregnancy with her eggs?
Friday, April 10, 2015
Infertility torments me, even in my dreams
I don't dream often, or at least if I do I don't remember the dreams. Or maybe I just don't sleep enough to dream. Anyway, last night I had two infertility related dreams that shook me up.
The first dream was weird and completely unlikely to happen. I was at a press conference. I got the distinct impression that it was at a hospital because I was in a hospital gown and there were doctors beside me. I don't know what the press conference was about but all of the reporters were asking me if I had kids, when I planned to have kids, why I don't have kids, etc. Finally I started crying and telling them that they weren't supposed to ask me those questions.
The second dream was very realistic and not completely unlikely to actually happen. In the dream I was talking to my youngest sister about her daughter (my oldest niece) going to preschool. I was outlining all of the positives of attending two years of preschool as opposed to one when my sister dropped the "you're not a parent, you can't possibly know anything about when is the right time to send a kid to preschool*." This hurt, even in the dream. I got the distinct impression from the dream that I did not plan to talk to my sister again anytime soon. *I try to keep this blog at least semi anonymous, but I feel compelled to point out here that yes, I actually do know a lot about best practices in the field of education. More than most of the general population in fact, and definitely more than my sister.
I woke up in tears and drenched in sweat, courtesy of my nightly night sweats (a term that I don't think adequately conveys the true miserableness of them). Even after the tears receded I couldn't fall back to sleep because I was thinking about the dreams. So I got up. At 3:30am. It's going to be a long day. At least it's Friday. Ugh.
It's bad enough that infertility finds some way to torment me on a near daily basis in my awake hours, but I really wish it wouldn't infiltrate my dreams too.
The first dream was weird and completely unlikely to happen. I was at a press conference. I got the distinct impression that it was at a hospital because I was in a hospital gown and there were doctors beside me. I don't know what the press conference was about but all of the reporters were asking me if I had kids, when I planned to have kids, why I don't have kids, etc. Finally I started crying and telling them that they weren't supposed to ask me those questions.
The second dream was very realistic and not completely unlikely to actually happen. In the dream I was talking to my youngest sister about her daughter (my oldest niece) going to preschool. I was outlining all of the positives of attending two years of preschool as opposed to one when my sister dropped the "you're not a parent, you can't possibly know anything about when is the right time to send a kid to preschool*." This hurt, even in the dream. I got the distinct impression from the dream that I did not plan to talk to my sister again anytime soon. *I try to keep this blog at least semi anonymous, but I feel compelled to point out here that yes, I actually do know a lot about best practices in the field of education. More than most of the general population in fact, and definitely more than my sister.
I woke up in tears and drenched in sweat, courtesy of my nightly night sweats (a term that I don't think adequately conveys the true miserableness of them). Even after the tears receded I couldn't fall back to sleep because I was thinking about the dreams. So I got up. At 3:30am. It's going to be a long day. At least it's Friday. Ugh.
It's bad enough that infertility finds some way to torment me on a near daily basis in my awake hours, but I really wish it wouldn't infiltrate my dreams too.
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
March Reading, Spring Cleaning, and Surviving Easter
One of my goals for 2015 was to read at least two books each month. To help keep myself accountable I'm keeping track of the books that I read here on my blog. So without further ado, here are the books that I read in March:
- The Last Letter from Your Lover by: Jojo Moyes-Another Jojo Moyes book, and another that I really liked. This book is the intersection of a love story and a historical fiction. The plot is simple enough that you don't have to think too much while you read but engaging enough that it kept me going. I read the whole book in about two days.
- Breaking the Rules by: Barbara Taylor Bradford-I checked this book out from the library. I selected it because the description on the jacket it looked interesting enough and I was in a hurry. Boring and predictable are the first two words that come to mind when thinking about how to describe this book. This book gets a solid two thumbs down from me.
******
Hubs and I cleaned our whole house over the weekend. One of the advantages of not having kids is that our house is relatively tidy on a day to day basis, but we had to do all of those tasks that nobody likes to do but they need done. Like washing walls and baseboards, dusting, and shampooing carpets. We also purged the long forgotten TTC/baby items that remained in the house. It felt good. I even found a box of unused pregnancy and ovulation tests in a seldom used drawer and rather than being reduced to a puddle of tears, I took them outside and smashed them with a hammer. I had Twisted Sister's "We're not gonna take it" playing in my mind. I also jokingly told hubs that they must have been from early in the TTC journey because there's no way I would have paid for the good tests (you know, the ones in the plastic casing) by the end.
I still can't face getting rid of the crib (I wrote about it at some point but couldn't find the post to link it and I'm too lazy to devote more than about two minutes to looking). I know this is highly illogical, but I just can't face it. Not yet. So it will remain in a closet until such a time when I can rip the proverbial band-aid off and send it on it's way. No rush.
******
We survived Easter. We had a quiet, low key day at home where we spent time together and largely avoided social media and the news. We called our nieces and nephews and our parents in the morning and then turned off our phones. It was nice to be "unplugged" and spend uninterrupted time with each other. For dinner I convinced hubs to make chicken parmesan (being married to a third generation Italian American has it's perks!) and we shared a good bottle of wine that we'd been saving for a special occasion. The lead up to Easter was pretty tough but the actual day wasn't so bad. Like we did at Christmas, we put ourselves first, and I think this is a holiday strategy that we are going to continue in the future. :)
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
A couple of difficult days
Sometimes the weight of my grief feels unbearable. The past several days have been really difficult. Tears have been just under the surface and I've been in the much dreaded state of feeling very vulnerable.
I wrote about the hair salon in my last post. I handled it the best way that I could on that particular day and felt good about it.
But sometimes triggers take me completely by surprise. On Sunday I made the dreaded trip to the grocery store (hubs and I both HATE going to the grocery store). I went to one of the big box stores that carries everything you need and a million things you don't because we needed a few things that aren't carried in a traditional grocery store. I got the groceries that we needed and then made my way to the other side of the store where the "stuff" is so I could grab a few non-grocery things. And then it happened. I walked by the Easter baskets. They hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm never going to have a child to fill an easter basket for. I quickly grabbed what I needed and made my way to the checkout which, for once, mercifully, was a really short line. I almost made it to my car before I could not hold back my tears any longer. Twenty minutes later, after one really ugly cry, I was in good enough shape to drive home.
And then sometimes people are just assholes. Yesterday I passed a colleague that I only see occasionally in the hallway. We chatted for a few minutes about work related things before she drops this gem: "So when are you due?!" I'm sure that the look on my face adequately expressed some combination of shock/anger/hurt/confusion. I managed to mutter "I'm not pregnant." Rather than recognizing her misstep and changing the conversation to anything else, she laughed and said "Oh, that shirt makes you look pregnant." I didn't even try to conceal the tears that had welled up in my eyes as I turned and walked away from her. Thankfully I have my own office so I was able to hide and recompose myself (translation: have another ugly cry) as well as convince myself that I didn't have time to walk down to Macy's and buy a new shirt and be back in time for a meeting. So I guess I will never wear that shirt again. Which is unfortunate since I really liked that shirt. I just don't get people sometimes. Even pre-infertility I would have never made an assumption about someone being pregnant.
A lot of the time I feel ok. But sometimes life is just plain difficult. I hate infertility.
I wrote about the hair salon in my last post. I handled it the best way that I could on that particular day and felt good about it.
But sometimes triggers take me completely by surprise. On Sunday I made the dreaded trip to the grocery store (hubs and I both HATE going to the grocery store). I went to one of the big box stores that carries everything you need and a million things you don't because we needed a few things that aren't carried in a traditional grocery store. I got the groceries that we needed and then made my way to the other side of the store where the "stuff" is so I could grab a few non-grocery things. And then it happened. I walked by the Easter baskets. They hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm never going to have a child to fill an easter basket for. I quickly grabbed what I needed and made my way to the checkout which, for once, mercifully, was a really short line. I almost made it to my car before I could not hold back my tears any longer. Twenty minutes later, after one really ugly cry, I was in good enough shape to drive home.
And then sometimes people are just assholes. Yesterday I passed a colleague that I only see occasionally in the hallway. We chatted for a few minutes about work related things before she drops this gem: "So when are you due?!" I'm sure that the look on my face adequately expressed some combination of shock/anger/hurt/confusion. I managed to mutter "I'm not pregnant." Rather than recognizing her misstep and changing the conversation to anything else, she laughed and said "Oh, that shirt makes you look pregnant." I didn't even try to conceal the tears that had welled up in my eyes as I turned and walked away from her. Thankfully I have my own office so I was able to hide and recompose myself (translation: have another ugly cry) as well as convince myself that I didn't have time to walk down to Macy's and buy a new shirt and be back in time for a meeting. So I guess I will never wear that shirt again. Which is unfortunate since I really liked that shirt. I just don't get people sometimes. Even pre-infertility I would have never made an assumption about someone being pregnant.
A lot of the time I feel ok. But sometimes life is just plain difficult. I hate infertility.
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Hair salon conversations
I got my hair cut yesterday. I've been growing it out for the better part of a year because hubs begged me to do it (what is it with men and long hair?). Well on Friday I'd had enough of it and made the executive decision that I was getting it cut off on Saturday. We've lived in this city for nearly three years and I've yet to find a hairdresser that I like enough to go back to, plus I'm cheap and tend to be impulsive with my hair (translation: I don't usually schedule appointments in advance), so that makes finding a hair dresser hard, so I usually end up in one of the places that takes walk in appointments. That's where I end up yesterday.
I'm a simple girl and usually keep my hair somewhere between chin length and shoulder length with a few layers and shaped around my face. It's quick to fix with a brush and blow dryer but still goes into a pony tail for working out. It's a quick, easy cut and pretty much any hairdresser can do a reasonable job at it. I got about five inches cut off, to just above the shoulder.
I think that one of the things that they teach in beauty school is to make conversation with your clients. So she did. I'll give you one guess what the first question out of her mouth was. "Do you have kids." I quickly replied with a polite but short "nope." and hoped that line of questioning wouldn't continue. Had it ended there I wouldn't have really minded. I mean, the question was uncomfortable, but she was just trying to make conversation with a person she's never met and I am a woman of child bearing age. But she followed up with "has your family been pressuring you and your husband to have kids?" I decided to end the conversation once and for all by saying "our families do not dictate what happens in our bedroom." And the conversation moved on to a different topic. I could have told her that we can't have kids. I could have told her that we tried really hard for a long time to have kids and it didn't work. I could have given her a short lecture on human reproduction. I could have said something, anything about infertility. But I didn't. Why? Because I don't want anyone's pity. Yes, infertility sucks. No, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But I also shouldn't feel the need to explain my entire reproductive history to a complete stranger in a hair salon.
I don't know why I responded the way I did. Maybe her follow-up question took me a bit by surprise? I was expecting "why?" and not something about what our families think. If I'm completely truthful I wasn't feeling particularly strong yesterday and I just didn't want to think of or talk about infertility. I just wanted to be a normal woman enjoying an hour in the salon without being reminded of what I don't have.
I really like what she did with my hair, with the exception of that extremely awkward 60 seconds of conversation. So maybe I'll go back to her again in a few weeks. I've been wanting to try out highlights. We'll see.
*****
I've kicked my workouts up a notch recently. I decided that having babies was completely out of my control but having flat abs is not. So I'm working hard and already seeing results. Is this vain? Maybe. Probably. Will I ever have a six pack? Unlikely. Lets be honest, I like to drink wine and eat good food too much for that. But it's fun to have a goal to work towards. And it's fun to look in the mirror and like what I see.
*****
Indiana's "Religious Freedom Restoration Act" (that I mentioned in my last post) was signed by the governor. A very sad day indeed.
I'm a simple girl and usually keep my hair somewhere between chin length and shoulder length with a few layers and shaped around my face. It's quick to fix with a brush and blow dryer but still goes into a pony tail for working out. It's a quick, easy cut and pretty much any hairdresser can do a reasonable job at it. I got about five inches cut off, to just above the shoulder.
I think that one of the things that they teach in beauty school is to make conversation with your clients. So she did. I'll give you one guess what the first question out of her mouth was. "Do you have kids." I quickly replied with a polite but short "nope." and hoped that line of questioning wouldn't continue. Had it ended there I wouldn't have really minded. I mean, the question was uncomfortable, but she was just trying to make conversation with a person she's never met and I am a woman of child bearing age. But she followed up with "has your family been pressuring you and your husband to have kids?" I decided to end the conversation once and for all by saying "our families do not dictate what happens in our bedroom." And the conversation moved on to a different topic. I could have told her that we can't have kids. I could have told her that we tried really hard for a long time to have kids and it didn't work. I could have given her a short lecture on human reproduction. I could have said something, anything about infertility. But I didn't. Why? Because I don't want anyone's pity. Yes, infertility sucks. No, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But I also shouldn't feel the need to explain my entire reproductive history to a complete stranger in a hair salon.
I don't know why I responded the way I did. Maybe her follow-up question took me a bit by surprise? I was expecting "why?" and not something about what our families think. If I'm completely truthful I wasn't feeling particularly strong yesterday and I just didn't want to think of or talk about infertility. I just wanted to be a normal woman enjoying an hour in the salon without being reminded of what I don't have.
I really like what she did with my hair, with the exception of that extremely awkward 60 seconds of conversation. So maybe I'll go back to her again in a few weeks. I've been wanting to try out highlights. We'll see.
*****
I've kicked my workouts up a notch recently. I decided that having babies was completely out of my control but having flat abs is not. So I'm working hard and already seeing results. Is this vain? Maybe. Probably. Will I ever have a six pack? Unlikely. Lets be honest, I like to drink wine and eat good food too much for that. But it's fun to have a goal to work towards. And it's fun to look in the mirror and like what I see.
*****
Indiana's "Religious Freedom Restoration Act" (that I mentioned in my last post) was signed by the governor. A very sad day indeed.
Monday, March 23, 2015
Stitches, sleep, "synthetic babies," religious freedom, and an impromptu girls night out
I got a random text from a friend/former colleague on Saturday asking if I wanted to go to a basketball game (my city was one of the host sites for the NCAA men's college basketball tournament). Apparently their sitter cancelled so her husband volunteered to stay home with the baby so she could go. She asked me to go because I love pretty much all sports like she does. She also told me that she wanted to go with someone who didn't talk about kids/babies all the time. She confided that since she had the baby she feels like it's hard to have a conversation with another woman that doesn't revolve around babies. I actually know that feeling quite well.
It seemed like she really wanted to confide in someone about how much her life has changed since baby. It seemed to me that she is having a difficult time transitioning from only being responsible for herself (and to a lesser extent her husband) to being responsible for a living, breathing tiny human. She wasn't complaining at all, she was just being real, she definitely didn't make me feel like like I was less than, but it was still hard for me. Because even though she's struggling to adjust to this new phase of her life she still gets the chance to do it. I never will.
Thankfully I was feeling strong that day so was able to handle the conversation without a meltdown, but on a different day I may not have fared as well.
But it was sort of nice to be sought out because I don't have kids.
****
Yesterday morning I got to make a trip to my friendly local urgent care facility The reason? I had a gash in my hand that wouldn't stop bleeding (for like seven hours). How did I get this gash? Well, I took my dog out for his last potty of the night and stood in the doorway while he did his business. Well the idiot neighborhood stray cat decided to run out from under a parked car, my dog saw it and decided to give chase, the leash was jerked so hard that it smashed my hand into the wood frame of the door. The result was a a good chunk of my right middle finger knuckle peeled back and exposed some of the tendon. Luckily they were able to use durabond (super glue like stuff) to seal the wound since the skin was too fragile to do traditional stitches. Even more lucky, I didn't need a tetanus shot! And it doesn't hurt at all!
****
Dolce and Gabana recently made some (disheartening) comments about children conceived via IVF, calling these children "synthetic babies." This led to swift criticism and boycotts of the D&G brand from people like Elton John, Ellen DeGeneres, Madonna, Ricky Martin, etc. My take is that the comments were terrible and at their core devalue human life. Of course people have the right to believe and say whatever they want, but with that freedom comes responsibility for any unintended consequences (I believe that some variation of this can be attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt but I'm too lazy to look it up). I can't say that I'll boycott D&G because you can't boycott a brand that you have no interest in anyway, but I will stand with anyone who chooses to do so. These kinds of comments are not ok!
****
Completely unrelated to infertility: The Indiana House of Representatives passed the "Religious Freedom Restoration Act" today. A while back their Senate passed a similar bill. The governor is expected to sign the bill and it will become law. If it becomes law it will make it legal for business owners to discriminate against customers solely based on their sexual orientation. I support any person subscribing to whatever religious beliefs that they want to, but I do not support anyone using their beliefs (religious or otherwise) as an excuse to discriminate against other human beings. Plus, the last time I checked, a dollar spent by a gay citizen is worth the same amount as a dollar spent by a straight citizen. This has potential to set a very disastrous precedent, in my opinion.
****
I have been sleeping really, really well lately. I rarely get one good night of sleep. I almost never get two good nights in a row. But five days? I don't know if I've ever slept that well for that many consecutive days in my life. I really hope this doesn't end anytime soon!
It seemed like she really wanted to confide in someone about how much her life has changed since baby. It seemed to me that she is having a difficult time transitioning from only being responsible for herself (and to a lesser extent her husband) to being responsible for a living, breathing tiny human. She wasn't complaining at all, she was just being real, she definitely didn't make me feel like like I was less than, but it was still hard for me. Because even though she's struggling to adjust to this new phase of her life she still gets the chance to do it. I never will.
Thankfully I was feeling strong that day so was able to handle the conversation without a meltdown, but on a different day I may not have fared as well.
But it was sort of nice to be sought out because I don't have kids.
****
Yesterday morning I got to make a trip to my friendly local urgent care facility The reason? I had a gash in my hand that wouldn't stop bleeding (for like seven hours). How did I get this gash? Well, I took my dog out for his last potty of the night and stood in the doorway while he did his business. Well the idiot neighborhood stray cat decided to run out from under a parked car, my dog saw it and decided to give chase, the leash was jerked so hard that it smashed my hand into the wood frame of the door. The result was a a good chunk of my right middle finger knuckle peeled back and exposed some of the tendon. Luckily they were able to use durabond (super glue like stuff) to seal the wound since the skin was too fragile to do traditional stitches. Even more lucky, I didn't need a tetanus shot! And it doesn't hurt at all!
****
Dolce and Gabana recently made some (disheartening) comments about children conceived via IVF, calling these children "synthetic babies." This led to swift criticism and boycotts of the D&G brand from people like Elton John, Ellen DeGeneres, Madonna, Ricky Martin, etc. My take is that the comments were terrible and at their core devalue human life. Of course people have the right to believe and say whatever they want, but with that freedom comes responsibility for any unintended consequences (I believe that some variation of this can be attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt but I'm too lazy to look it up). I can't say that I'll boycott D&G because you can't boycott a brand that you have no interest in anyway, but I will stand with anyone who chooses to do so. These kinds of comments are not ok!
****
Completely unrelated to infertility: The Indiana House of Representatives passed the "Religious Freedom Restoration Act" today. A while back their Senate passed a similar bill. The governor is expected to sign the bill and it will become law. If it becomes law it will make it legal for business owners to discriminate against customers solely based on their sexual orientation. I support any person subscribing to whatever religious beliefs that they want to, but I do not support anyone using their beliefs (religious or otherwise) as an excuse to discriminate against other human beings. Plus, the last time I checked, a dollar spent by a gay citizen is worth the same amount as a dollar spent by a straight citizen. This has potential to set a very disastrous precedent, in my opinion.
****
I have been sleeping really, really well lately. I rarely get one good night of sleep. I almost never get two good nights in a row. But five days? I don't know if I've ever slept that well for that many consecutive days in my life. I really hope this doesn't end anytime soon!
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