Sometimes the weight of my grief feels unbearable. The past several days have been really difficult. Tears have been just under the surface and I've been in the much dreaded state of feeling very vulnerable.
I wrote about the hair salon in my last post. I handled it the best way that I could on that particular day and felt good about it.
But sometimes triggers take me completely by surprise. On Sunday I made the dreaded trip to the grocery store (hubs and I both HATE going to the grocery store). I went to one of the big box stores that carries everything you need and a million things you don't because we needed a few things that aren't carried in a traditional grocery store. I got the groceries that we needed and then made my way to the other side of the store where the "stuff" is so I could grab a few non-grocery things. And then it happened. I walked by the Easter baskets. They hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm never going to have a child to fill an easter basket for. I quickly grabbed what I needed and made my way to the checkout which, for once, mercifully, was a really short line. I almost made it to my car before I could not hold back my tears any longer. Twenty minutes later, after one really ugly cry, I was in good enough shape to drive home.
And then sometimes people are just assholes. Yesterday I passed a colleague that I only see occasionally in the hallway. We chatted for a few minutes about work related things before she drops this gem: "So when are you due?!" I'm sure that the look on my face adequately expressed some combination of shock/anger/hurt/confusion. I managed to mutter "I'm not pregnant." Rather than recognizing her misstep and changing the conversation to anything else, she laughed and said "Oh, that shirt makes you look pregnant." I didn't even try to conceal the tears that had welled up in my eyes as I turned and walked away from her. Thankfully I have my own office so I was able to hide and recompose myself (translation: have another ugly cry) as well as convince myself that I didn't have time to walk down to Macy's and buy a new shirt and be back in time for a meeting. So I guess I will never wear that shirt again. Which is unfortunate since I really liked that shirt. I just don't get people sometimes. Even pre-infertility I would have never made an assumption about someone being pregnant.
A lot of the time I feel ok. But sometimes life is just plain difficult. I hate infertility.
Wow, your coworker is a jerk. I hate that people can be so insensitive!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry the upcoming holiday is affecting you. Its definitely harder during those times. I had a similar experience over a family Easter Egg Hunt.
I guess I didn't even think about Easter as a potential trigger. I guess I'll be better prepared for next year. :)
DeleteSo sorry that the Easter Egg Hunt was difficult for you. This sucks.
Just to confirm that total jerks are ALL around the Earth.
ReplyDeleteThis is what I wrote 11 months ago:
http://thenext15000days.blogspot.com/2014/05/it-is-my-fault-i-should-do-more-belly.html
Warm hugs across the Atlantic!
I hate that this happened to you too. The worst part is that I don't even think that people realize that they are being jerks.
DeletePeople are idiots. :p I wrote a few Easter-related rants in the earlier years of my blog, about my urge to be colouring Easter eggs and planning a candy hunt, etc. I said I felt cheated, and I still feel like that, sometimes. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteYou're right, loribeth. The feelings will probably never go away, but at least next year I'll know and be better prepared.
DeleteIf someone asked me when I was due I would totally cry, probably forever. And then I would never be able to look at that person again without wanting to kill them. I'll put a curse on her for you:-)
ReplyDeleteI've come to mostly despise holidays - there I some I just know will suck so I kind of expect it. I passed up an opportunity to play my flute at a service this weekend because I don't think I'm ready to walk into a family infused situation AND perform. Can totally see why the Easter baskets would be triggering, and I feel for the unavoidable suddenness of grief that takes over.....it's not just the feeling the gripping way that it happens that makes it so hard.
On the flip side, I have come to enjoy non holidays more. I savor a real sense of victory in, oh say, a Monday where my husband and I get to do something.
But yeah, these emotions are undoubtedly sucky. And all consuming.
Curses are appreciated! Seriously though, even before infertility, I was of the belief that I shouldn't say anything about a person being pregnant, ever, unless I had been told by that person that they were indeed pregnant.
DeleteI think I would have declined to play at a service too. Just too hard. I hope you made it through Easter too!
I also enjoy the non holidays. I'm also fortunate to have a very flexible work schedule where we can go out to lunch on a random Tuesday or something. It's nice.
I'm storey in late to this. Sorry Easter is a trigger for you. It has never been a big deal in my family, but I will admit to twinges when I hear about friends or my sister doing an egg hunt.
ReplyDeleteAnd I can't believe your idiot work colleague. Wear your shirt if you like it. Who cares about colleagues with big mouths and no brains?
That's exactly it, Mali. She said something stupid and insensitive and I hope that my reaction will make her think twice before doing something similar again. But in the end it was one moment in time, I don't see this woman often, and I need to shake it off. Having said that, while I will be cordial and professional in her company, I can't see myself initiating a conversation with her in the near future.
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