I don't dream often, or at least if I do I don't remember the dreams. Or maybe I just don't sleep enough to dream. Anyway, last night I had two infertility related dreams that shook me up.
The first dream was weird and completely unlikely to happen. I was at a press conference. I got the distinct impression that it was at a hospital because I was in a hospital gown and there were doctors beside me. I don't know what the press conference was about but all of the reporters were asking me if I had kids, when I planned to have kids, why I don't have kids, etc. Finally I started crying and telling them that they weren't supposed to ask me those questions.
The second dream was very realistic and not completely unlikely to actually happen. In the dream I was talking to my youngest sister about her daughter (my oldest niece) going to preschool. I was outlining all of the positives of attending two years of preschool as opposed to one when my sister dropped the "you're not a parent, you can't possibly know anything about when is the right time to send a kid to preschool*." This hurt, even in the dream. I got the distinct impression from the dream that I did not plan to talk to my sister again anytime soon. *I try to keep this blog at least semi anonymous, but I feel compelled to point out here that yes, I actually do know a lot about best practices in the field of education. More than most of the general population in fact, and definitely more than my sister.
I woke up in tears and drenched in sweat, courtesy of my nightly night sweats (a term that I don't think adequately conveys the true miserableness of them). Even after the tears receded I couldn't fall back to sleep because I was thinking about the dreams. So I got up. At 3:30am. It's going to be a long day. At least it's Friday. Ugh.
It's bad enough that infertility finds some way to torment me on a near daily basis in my awake hours, but I really wish it wouldn't infiltrate my dreams too.
I must have been channeling your dreams. At very close to the same time last night, I was putting a blog post together that referenced a very bad dream that Scarlett O'Hara (it's a movie I've seen many times over) had that involved running fearfully in a fog. It reminded me of my sleepless nights. Sigh. Those torments and the disquieting messages they carry -- as you describe -- really can shake us to the core...xo
ReplyDeleteI can't wait to read your post! Can you believe that I've never seen Gone With The Wind? I've read the book but never seen the movie (which is even more embarrassing considering that we own the 70th anniversary digitally remastered blu ray version of it). :)
DeleteSeriously though, I felt so fragile all day yesterday and still am feeling a bit fragile today too. It sucks.
I'm really sorry you had these dreams. They stay with you during the day and sometimes for longer. I used to have dreams about loss or infertility or the child I never had. But I don't have them any longer. They won't torment you always.
ReplyDeleteAnd all I'd say is that the dream about your sister saying those hurtful words is that they sound exactly what WE imagine people will say to us, but - in my experience at least - they rarely do.
Hope you will get some sleep tonight.
I appreciate the reassurance that the dreams won't last forever. I don't have them often, but when I do they stick with me for a couple of days.
DeleteI really am glad that people are rarely as insensitive in real life as they can be in my dreams.
I am just confirming what Mali wrote: I used to have nightmares about infertility / loss too, for many years. But I haven't had them for the last three years, not even once. So I promise - they won't torment you always.
ReplyDeleteNow it is 3 am (it is already 9 am here in Europe)... so I hope you are having sweet dreams in this very moment. For example, how lovely it will be your travelling to Italy & Slovenia within next few years :)
xo
Thanks, Klara. It felt silly even writing about it, but it makes me feel a little better to know that others have been there too (and survived!).
DeleteIf we could pick dreams, I would definitely pick to dream about traveling to wonderful places! No dreams last night, but I did sleep really well for a change. :)
I am glad you slept well.
Deletehave a lovely weekend.