Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Talking

When we were going through infertility my husband was very stoic.  I knew it bothered him.  I knew he was hurting.  I knew it was angry.  But he almost never showed emotion.  I think he felt like he needed to be strong for me.  And I'm so glad that he was.  But at the same time I wanted, no needed, him to show some emotion.  I didn't care if it was anger or tears or something in between.  He rarely did.  It made me resent him.  Time passed.  We both started to heal, both individually and as a couple. I let go of any resentment that I still held on to and accepted that we handled our emotions differently, and that it was okay, and that there was no "right" way to handle it.

I found a support system through blogging and through pen pals who don't blog but that I met through blogging.  I found people I trusted and who I could share the good, the bad, and the ugly with.  Hubs never found that, and based on Eric's recent post, it doesn't seem like it is uncommon for men to not have a support system.  I'm becoming more open and starting to talk more publicly about infertility and how our journey didn't end with a baby.  Hubs supports me in this, but he still really isn't able to talk about it beyond a simple acknowledgement.

That changed over the weekend.

Sarah and her husband Julio came to Pittsburgh over the weekend, and naturally we spent some time with them.  I could go on and on about how amazing she is and they are, and I will eventually, but I'm still trying to process it all, and figure out the right words to capture it all and how much it meant to me (and hubs).

But I want to write about one small part of our time with them.  Something so small that they probably didn't even pick up on.  

Hubs talked.  At dinner.  At our house afterwards.  Openly.  Honestly.  Comfortably.  I've never seen him share like this before.  He's a man of few words.  To a casual onlooker it probably seemed like normal conversation.  But to me it it was like a breech in a dam.

I don't know if it was that we were with another couple just like us.  Or if it was because there was another guy who had been through many of the same things.  Or because it was the first time he's been around another woman who, like me, is trying to claw her way out of the hellhole that is infertility.  Or because he knew he could trust Sarah and Julio.  Or because of something else.  I don't know and he doesn't either (I asked).  He just said that talking with them felt "normal."

I also think hubs really started to see that I'm doing pretty well.  That I'm not as fragile as I used to be.  Maybe this was what he needed to finally get it all out there.  After Sarah and Julio left we laid in bed and he talked for what seemed like hours about all that we lost.  I want to be there for him like he has always been there for me, and maybe the weekend was a start.


11 comments:

  1. I am very happy to read that your husbands talked.
    Cheers to new start!

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    1. Me too! I knew they would get along but I didn't expect hubs to talk as much as he did!

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  2. It took therapy for Grey to open up. He told me it was because men are taught from a young age to be the strong ones, suppressing their emotions to help weather the storm. Only processing quietly later on. David helped him realize that to get through this, though, we needed to meet one another in our grief. That's when he started taking.

    But I've also seen many men open up in settings where they feel safe. Particularly with other men. They need to be given license to do so. They need to feel like they aren't fighting to be the strong ones.

    I'm glad he opened up. I hope in doing so, he'll continue to feel safe in talking more. Because doing so is important. It facilitates healing. Both for them as well as for us.

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    1. He was definitely taught to be the strong one and did a great job suppressing his emotions. I've floated the idea of counseling before and he's not open to it at all. Unfortunately.

      I hope he keeps talking too. He is so amazing and I want him to know that it's okay to be vulnerable, that it's okay to talk, and that we'll get through this together!

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  3. Ah I just read Eric's post that you mention - definitely worth a look. Did you meet Sarah through your blogs? That's fab. I recognise everything written about here. My own hub was also very stoical and didn't show any emotion (apart from attacks of blind rage at how crap the clinics were: the hour-long waits each time, the way they had no clue who we were each time, etc). The stress got to him though and he cried when we found out we failed: but it was later on, spontaneously, over cooking, when he was watching me doing something - I was so unused to it that I thought he was laughing at first. It was a sudden outburst; isolated. Pent up anxiety and stress, I think. I still don't really know what was going through his head though. Generally, he isn't open about our ivf experience at all with other people; I think his way of processing it has been to morph it into a hatred of kids (who he now boots out of the way in shopping centres), and pushchairs, especially. And he has a thing where pregnant women really irrationally annoy the shit out of him. Which I can deal with; I'd hate it if he was actually hankering after these things. I could be imagining it but I think he's more free and easy when he's chatting to peers without kids, but he might deny that if I asked him. There might be a day when he opens up about it all, but luckily I think he's genuinely OK with his life (I hope so, anyway).

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    1. I did meet Sarah through blogging and then email/Facebook.

      We all have such different ways of dealing with this shitshow. Hubs has only cried a few times, and like your hubs, it seemed to be pent up rage, stress, and anxiety.

      I know hubs is genuinely okay with our life, even if it's not what we planned. But I want him to be really okay. Who knows though, maybe he has is own way of processing things.

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  4. I'm so glad you had a lovely time together. I suspect it was a combination of things that got your husband talking. I know though that my husband only started talking when he could see that I was doing better. He could relax a little and be more open, knowing I wasn't going to dissolve into a weeping mess!

    I think too that when we talk and write we get to process our feelings much more than our men do. It's why I think blogging is so valuable. Glad that your blogging life helped your husband too.

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    1. It really was lovely. I told Sarah that my soul needed that time with her.

      Like your husband, I think he knew that I wasn't going to dissolve into a weeping mess, and that we were with safe people.

      Blogging is so valuable and I'm so glad that I have it!

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  5. This is such good news!

    It has been quite similar with my husband and me, he being very calm, me going on the rollercaster... so I can completely relate to you wanting your husband to show some emotion. I have been there, too! In fact, I had been wondering how other men deal with it, so thank you for writing about it here! I will have a look at Eric's post as well.

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    1. It always feels good to hear that someone else faced a similar situation. It actually gives me some reassurance that I'm not the only one who's partner didn't show much emotion.

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  6. So cool that you & Sarah & your husbands met up, & that you all got along together so well! :) I do think guys repress a lot, but in the right situation with the right people, they will open up. Dh & I helped facilitate a pregnancy loss support group for 10 years, and because he was around to talk to, our chapter had way more dads attending with their wives (and sometimes even on their own!) than other local groups.

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