I've been wanting to write this post for several weeks but I haven't been able to find the right words to say what I want to say how I want to say it. It's been weighing on my mind so I'm just going to write.
I lost a friend recently. A good friend. This friend and I went through the worst parts of infertility together. We were each other's support system. We talked almost every day. To tell the whole story I need to rewind to this time last year. We made the decision to stop trying, to not pursue fertility treatments, and to live childfree right around the time that she found out that she was pregnant. I'll spare you the details, but how she handled her pregnancy with me was a case study of what not to do. She hurt me deeply, irreparably in some respects. We were able to talk through it and salvage our friendship, but it wasn't the same. I moved past it as much as I could and was able to support her through her miscarriage.
As the months progressed we remained friends but I was very guarded with her. She had hurt me deeply and I needed to protect myself. Our friendship became more about her. She was traveling deeper down the treatment path at the same time I was headed in a completely opposite direction. Even though she couldn't express it she was having trouble supporting me with my choices and even though I was having trouble admitting it, it was difficult for me to support her because she was still immersed in the TTC madness and I was trying to move past that. It all came to a head when I decided to get the IUD. She outright told me that she thought that I was giving up. That I was making the wrong choice. It hurt. It was around this time when I realized that she may not be the healthiest relationship for me at this point of my life. More hurt followed, little jabs here and there. But they hurt.
It all came to a head one day in May when I stopped talking to her. There wasn't a big blow up or anything like that. I was sick of all the jabs. I was sick of having my choices questioned. I was sick of me supporting her but receiving no support in return. I was just done.
I'm not quite ready to declare our friendship dead, but I don't know if I'm going to make an effort to rekindle it anytime soon. I honestly don't think she ever intended to hurt me. I think that she's the type of person that, when hurting, lashes out at those around her. I really do wish her all the best and I hope she gets her much wanted baby, but I just don't know that I am the right person to support her right now. I know she's not the type of support that I need in my life right now. It makes me sad, but I also know that I deserve better. I guess our friendship has just run it's course.
warm hugs across the Atlantic!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Klara! :)
DeleteIts hard to loose a good friend. But its also important to surround yourself with good friends. You didn't share enough, but when you said she said you were giving up when you did the IUD, that is when I could tell that maybe she isn't the positive friend you need in your life. There is a way to say your opinion, but still respect others and their feelings, and I think she missed that point. I hope you can find a friend that will say something like, "I'm sorry your life has turned out this way. I wish it could have ended with a baby instead of a IUD, but I know you are doing what is best for you."
ReplyDeleteThanks, Savannah! It's weird....I didn't realize how much she was dragging me down and impeding my emotional healing until we stopped talking. The first couple of weeks were hard because we talked almost daily, but now I'm finding other ways to occupy my time that are more productive. :)
DeleteI've been thinking a lot about friendships, and one friendship in particular, lately. It started going downhill when I was going through loss, IVF, living without kids, but I don't think it was ever me. I suspect though she probably thinks I distanced myself from her, whereas I got sick of being the one who always called first, the one who remembered her birthday, the one who never got to choose where we met. It was doing nothing for my self-esteem. And yes, she didn't think I'd lost anything because I never had it (children/babies) in the first place. So I didn't talk to her about it. I still feel sad that we lost each other, but clearly I wasn't what she wanted/needed and vice versa. We're still in touch, but the relationship is a long way from where it was 15 years ago. We've had a couple of attempts to rekindle the relationship, but I found they slipped back into the old pattern, and I'm not that person any more. We were great friends for a long time, and I will always have that.
ReplyDeleteSo I have no words of wisdom, other than you have to do what is right for you.
Losing friendships seems to be more common than I originally thought. The relationship with your friend that you described is very similar to the relationship with my friend. I felt like I was making all of the effort. But you're right, we were great friends for a long time, and I'll always have those memories.
DeleteIt sounds to me like you gave it your best shot. From what you've described, I think I would have stopped initiating contact some time before you, in the interests of self preservation. It's inevitable that we lose friends at different times in our lives and although it's always painful, I find it's usually more painful to keep trying and not getting the response you deserve. I just hope that guilt is not part of your reason for wanting to keep the friendship alive. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. She may have been lashing out due to her own pain or to justify her own decision to stay on the TTC path, but whatever the reason, it's not your responsibility to be supportive if it harms your self esteem. I hope that your inner voice tells you the best course of action. I currently have a friend whom I have not contacted since our last meeting, where she also made insensitive comments. I am dealing with it the same way as you and if she doesn't contact me, then that already tells me what I need to know.
ReplyDeleteHugs, Naomi M
Glad I figured out how to allow anonymous comments! :)
DeleteI'm almost positive that she lashes out due to her pain, almost like if she's hurting, she wants those around her to hurt too. I also think she does it subconsciously too.
In losing some friendships over the years I've learned I needed to mourn them as they were little deaths unto themselves. Cherish the good and let go of the bad ... xo
ReplyDeleteGreat advice, Pamela! There is definitely a mourning period.
DeleteI'm am constantly amazed and disheartened to find that adult friendships can still feel very much like junior high friendships. So much drama! And yet, I know that as an adult, I should be all mature and comfortable with ending a friendship when it isn't working for me... but it's so hard.
ReplyDeleteI'm in the midst of a slow, painful friendship death. I think I might have been better off making a clean cut months ago instead of this ongoing madness. Good for you for protecting yourself and doing what's right for you.
Also? I know she was hurting, but I feel the need to just state the obvious here: She doesn't get to have an opinion about your IUD. A friend's job is to be supportive, especially in the crazy land of infertility.
Sending you a hug ...
Junior high friendships are spot on! A clean cut was hard but I honestly feel so much better now that she's basically out of my life. I'm sorry you're loosing a friendship too. It just fucking sucks.
DeleteWhat she said about the IUD, that's when I knew it was over, even though I allowed it to limp along for a few more months. I never cared about her approval, but I guess I just wanted her to respect me enough to know that I was doing what I thought was best for me. (P.S. getting the IUD was one of the best decisions I've made in a long time).
Friendships are a hard thing to let go of sometimes. You keep trying and trying and you think to yourself, maybe, just maybe, next time will be different but there comes a point when if that friend is hurting you, unintentional or not but continues to do so, then you have to really step away. You have tried your best and you have been patient. It sounds like you even tried to mend the friendship but some friendships unfortunately cannot be mended. *Hugs*.
ReplyDeleteYou have to do what is right for you.
The number of friends I have right now I can count on one hand, barely. I've never really had a lot of success with friendships in my life no matter how old I am. My sister is the total opposite of me. She has a very large group of friends.
I am the same exact way with friendships. I haven't had a lot of success with friendships either, which is probably part of the reason I held on for so long hoping that it would get better.
DeleteIt's so hard to lose a longtime friend. :( Here's a post about one of mine... she emailed me when I sent out a blast email after losing my job, but that was a year ago & I haven't heard from her since then. I'm open to lunch if she is, but I'm not holding my breath either. :(
ReplyDeleteOops, here's the link: http://theroadlesstravelledlb.blogspot.ca/2014/05/i-saw-her-standing-there.html
DeleteSuch a sad story, loribeth! I don't know if it would be harder to end the friendship after some event or if it would be harder to just drift apart. It seems like so many in our tribe are loyal to a fault.
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