Monday, June 20, 2016

Birthday shenanigans

My birthday has come and gone.  My dreaded 35th birthday and accompanying midlife crisis.  My birthday actually turned out pretty fun.  My entire family (parents, sisters, their families) came to my house for a "surprise" party.  This alone was enough to make it a memorable day.  Coordinating the schedules of eight adults to be in the same place at the same time (150 miles give or take a few from their home) and going on a road trip with six kids is akin to herding cats, so the fact that everybody (even asshole brother in law) came was pretty remarkable.  It wasn't a total surprise, because let's face it, infertility kind of ruined surprises for me (particularly those involving kids, even family kids).  Hubs told me about a week ahead of time and made me promise to act surprised.  I'm glad he told me because it really helped me mentally prepare myself for the visit.  (Though I think that we can all agree that a man who goes to the grocery store and comes home with food for a large cookout then cleans the house from top to bottom, un-nagged, is enough to raise suspicion.)

This was also their first time that my family got to see our new house in person.  They loved it, and even though our house is quite small, it didn't feel as crowded as I expected it would. 

My actual birthday was handled the way I've found to be most effective when facing hard things.  Sarcasm, mildly inappropriate humor, and alcohol.  I don't know if you have seen those stupid monthly birthday baby things on social media.  Essentially the parent snaps a picture of the baby with a sicker on their shirt that says "x months" and then lists things like likes, how many teeth they have, height, weight, etc.  I think they are stupid, so naturally I wanted to make fun of them.  My sister created a birthday board for my 420 month birthday and we did a little photo shoot with it (complete with me in a sparkly tutu).  I think that most everybody thought the photos were funny, but I think only few got what I was making fun of.  This was actually the highlight of the day. 

Regarding my midlife crisis, I finally figured out the root cause for it.  Back when we first started trying to have a baby we mutually agreed that we would be done building our family on my 35th birthday, no matter how many kids we had at that point.  We figured that was a comfortable timetable to have two or maybe three kids.  We were naive back then, actually believing that I could get pregnant when we wanted.  As it became evident that we were having trouble and the years started to accumulate, we still stuck to the arbitrary deadline that we set in the beginning.  Even though I've known for a couple of years that kids weren't going to happen for us, somehow approaching (and now passing) this self-imposed deadline adds an extra layer of finality to this.  I feel better now that I've realized this and have calmed down quite a bit.  It's also a valuable lesson in attaching deadlines to things over which we have no control.

You've all done an awesome job supporting me through this midlife crisis and big birthday, so I wanted to tell you about it.  I also want to pass along my thanks because I don't think I would have made it through with my sanity if not for you guys! 

18 comments:

  1. dear birthday girl, I am glad the midlife crisis is over.
    wishing you all the best.

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  2. I totally love the monthly baby birthday mockery (don't be surprised or anything....). The great thing about fertile people is that they hold themselves in such high esteem, they usually don't even know they are being mocked. Slightly maddening, but provides much comedic leeway just the same.

    Your age deadline anguish makes a lot of sense. Glad it's in the process of passing. Who knew life as it is would be so different from what we thought it would be?

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    1. I could totally see you doing something like this too! Life has turned out so different than I thought it would be. Some parts are better than I imagined, other parts I'm learning to love.

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  3. Happy belated birthday!
    I don't know if this helps, but you are definitely not the only one having set this kind of deadline. A friend of mine did that, too (and it was 35 for her as well). I am glad you found the reason for your crisis and that you are feeling better.

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    1. Thank you, both for the birthday wishes and for reassuring me that we're not the only people who set a deadline like this.

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  4. I loathe the monthly baby updates. So I love that you did this!!

    One of the things that hurt so much with infertility was feeling stuck. While others around me where hitting life goals, I felt like I was left behind. I'm glad you've identified the root of the problem. Knowing the cause means you can begin addressing it. Though I do believe you are entitled to one crazy thing (homeownership doesn't count).

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    1. Email me if you want to see the pictures in all of their glory! :)

      Of all the bad feelings with infertility, I'm pretty sure that feeling stuck and left behind were two of the worst. Still working on my crazy thing. I'm actually a pretty boring person in real life.

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  5. I love this post in so many ways. It just reeks of your awesomeness - your humor, insight, humility... Also, I was wondering whether it's a sign of progress that your family all came to visit and see the house, like they have learnt something about how to support and celebrate the things that matter to you?

    Best wishes,
    Naomi M

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    1. On one hand I want to believe that they have come to value what's important to me and support me where I'm at. But on the other hand, I hold my family to pretty low expectations because I've been disappointed by them so many times. So I'm just treating this as an isolated event where they all got together and did something special for me, but I won't expect anything like this in the future.

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  6. I'm thrilled that it went well. And what a great husband you have!

    Also, this " ...this self-imposed deadline adds an extra layer of finality ..." and "It's also a valuable lesson in attaching deadlines to things over which we have no control." Well said.

    And hugs.

    PS. You're so young! lol

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    1. He is a pretty great guy! I think I'll keep him around for a few more decades. :)

      It was actually hubs that made me realize the cause of the midlife crisis. On the night of my birthday, after everybody left, he said "remember back when we said we'd be done having kids when you turned 35?" That was the moment it clicked for me. Then he said "things really turned out different than we planned." Sometimes I honestly wonder if infertility even bothers him, but then other times he says something like this and I know it does.

      P.S. I don't feel young! I don't so much mind the age, but if I could just have my metabolism from 25 back, I'd be good to go.

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  7. Sarcasm, humour and alcohol -- you really know how to handle a crisis, lol. Glad you wound up having a good time! (You may feel old, but you're actually young enough to be MY kid -- does that make you feel any better?? ;) )

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    1. Add in a lot of cursing and it's a grand old time. :)

      And holy crap....I didn't realize that there was 20 years between us!

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  8. Haha, shopping and cleaning without being nagged... very highly suspicious!
    Kudos to hubs for the heads up.

    Sarcasm, humour and alcohol... and a tutu! It all sounds like it was a roaring success.

    And you’ve just given me a light bulb moment as to my age deadline.

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    1. Glad (?) I could give you a lightbulb moment. It all makes so much sense to me now....

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  9. Happy Birthday! So nice that you were able to show off your new house too.

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    1. Thanks! And I agree that it was perfect timing to show off the house! :)

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