Every so often I reflect on how far I've come. And I really have come a long way since I started this blog almost two years ago. As Mali recently wrote, it gets easier, and this has been the case for me. I've learned many lessons over the past few years, but one of the biggest has been that sometimes we need to protect ourselves, that it's ok to not suck it up, put a smile on our face, and pretend that everything is ok for a couple of hours.
In the past two weeks I've declined two social invitations in the name of self-protection.
The first was an invitation to a dinner party where there would be three other couples in addition to hubs and me. All three couples have kids under three and all of the kids would be there (though with a baby sitter apparently). I know two of the three women and one husband and they are all really nice people that I enjoy spending time with. But three couples embroiled in toddelerhood? No. Just no. Thankfully we've already RSVP'd for a wedding (hub's cousin) on that day so we had an easy (and true!) excuse.
The second was an invitation to a cookout with several work friends and their husbands/families (six couples total). The host is one of my closest work friends. She knows about our infertility issues and exhibits sensitivity and empathy uncommon in a mother of two who admittedly had no issues getting and staying pregnant. We've done things with them (and their kids, both teenagers) and really enjoy spending time with their family. The problem is with the others, also colleagues. I like them all in the work setting, but they all have kids under five. I imagined it to be much like bamberlamb described, because when at social gatherings with multiple parents of young children, it almost always is exactly as she described. So I declined, saying that we already had plans and suggested a cookout sometime later this summer. I left out the part where our plans included takeout and Netflix. I think she understood though.
After I declined both of these invitations I realized something. I didn't feel bad, not even a little bit. Usually when I say no to something I feel a twinge of guilt. But not this time. I did the right thing.
I call that progress.
Yes! This is huge to not be feeling guilt over protecting yourself. It's very engrained in us to feel guilty about turning down social events (after all, we're being included), but we are never under obligation to torture ourselves for these situations. I'm glad the hosts are understanding and that you are free from guilt.
ReplyDeleteExactly! I want to be included but I also don't want to put myself in a situation that would almost certainly set me back. It doesn't help that I would have been the youngest woman there and all of the women didn't have their oldest child until they were older than I am currently, so there would have been all kinds of assumptions (because there have been in the past). I work in a setting where it is extremely common for women to delay childbearing to their late 30s/early 40s, so me not having kids at this point doesn't necessarily stand out in my work environment.
DeleteWell done! There are indeed events where it is better not to attend. I am glad that you were able to decline and also, that you are comfortable with it. I think we should not have to feel guilty in the first place, but then, I know that guilt too well myself.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the link to bamberlamb, I had not known her blog.
It's unfortunate, but I think that we all know the guilt. :(
Deletebamberlamb is pretty new to blogging, I think, but the post that I linked so clearly articulated everything that I've felt so many times.
yes, well done!
ReplyDelete:)
DeleteProgress, indeed! I know it's only small consolation, but age does have a way of making those painful gatherings less likely. My peers today now have teenagers. They are allergic to socializing with family members. The parents are so annoyed by the rejection and backtalk they want to discuss anything BUT their children or parenting obligations.
ReplyDeleteI find parents of teenagers to be a unique breed that I get along quite nicely with too! It's almost like they are past the phase where their kids need constant care and supervision and are sort of rediscovering themselves after 10-15 years of rearranging their lives around their children.
DeleteRock on. Sitting naked on a bed of hot coals sounds more comfortable than the social situations you describe. Now if we could attend them TOGETHER, you and I, that would be a different story entirely........
ReplyDeleteBahaha! Now that's quite the image.... Can you imagine all of the dirty looks we'd get from the parent crowd? That would be the best part!
DeleteDammit, I thought I had commented. I meant to say that there are times to protect ourselves (and allowing ourselves to do this, as you have just done, is empowering), and eventually, a time when we can get back out there. Sometimes, we have to do things we don't want to, but only when we're able to cope, if that makes sense. Because I think the coping comes before the not-wanting-to ends.
ReplyDeleteIt very much makes sense. On Father's Day, Hubs decided that he wanted to go to a cookout at his brother's house. I didn't really want to go, mainly because I don't fancy celebrating reproduction related holiday, not to mention that it involved five hours of driving for a three hour visit, but it was important to him. So I emotionally prepared myself, smacked a smile on my face, and willed myself to be strong. Turns out that I actually enjoyed myself with only a few pangs of "this will never be my life."
DeleteI am so cheered to read this post; congratulations on not feeling guilty or bad! Way to go sister! I have just started making some progress in this area too and reading your post helped me to acknowledge this progress for myself. Thank you! I am a big believer in that healing will involve giving ourselves a great deal of love, compassion and plain ole TLC--especially since society is not yet at a point of recognizing what most of us are going through.
ReplyDeleteBTW, I also just went to some of my husband's family events that were littered--and I mean littered--with toddlers. I think that I was able to enjoy them (for the most part) because I had allowed myself to say no on other occasions.
Exactly! I don't expect saying no to events with kids at them will be a forever thing, but right now I can be selective and unapologetic about what (if any) events that I choose to attend.
Delete