One week later

One week ago today I found out that my sister was in labor.  I also started my period that day, a whole five days earlier than I expected.  It was also Valentine's Day weekend.  We're not a cutesy romantic couple that make a big deal out of Valentine's Day, but we usually try to do something romantic around the day.  My period threw a wrench in that .  Then my sister going into labor threw a bigger wrench into any plans that we had. 

We didn't go out, but instead stayed in.  We ordered takeout.  We binged on Netflix.  It ended up being the perfect evening and it was exactly what I needed, considering the events of the day.

And my husband, after years of telling him that sometimes when I cry it's not exactly logical and I don't need him to solve my problems, I just need him to hold me and tell me he loves me and that everything is going to be ok, he did just that.  I think this is what I needed more than anything else.

Honestly, I'm dealing pretty well with the birth of my nephew.  This is not to say that I haven't had a big ugly cry (or three), but I seem to be bouncing back faster compared to the other two babies. 

The last two years have been two of the most challenging that I've experienced.  I found out that my ovaries crapped out a few decades ahead of schedule.  I found out that all three of my sisters were pregnant, and endured my own sadness in the midst of their happiness as all three babies were born.  I mean, 22 consecutive months of at least one sister being pregnant would be hard on anyone, infertility notwithstanding.

 The past two years have also led to immense personal growth, and the last week has shown me how far I've come.  I cried when I needed to, but mostly I just carried on with my life.  I allowed myself to feel all of the feelings and not feel bad about it.  This is what I think is different this time.

And it's odd.....I'm actually looking forward to meeting him.

I'm so thankful for all of you and for all of the kind words and love that you've shown me over the last week as well as in the 18 months or so since I started this blog.  All of you are why I'm doing as well as I am. 

Since I know that grief tends to ebb and flow and rouge waves hit out of nowhere every now and again, I reserve the right to crash later.  But right now I feel good, so I'm going to enjoy it.

I (almost) have a new nephew

As I sit here writing this my sister is about 200 miles away, in a hospital, and in labor.  In all likelihood I will have a nephew by morning, or maybe even tonight before I go to bed.  Three sisters.  Three babies.  Three hundred sixty four days.  Twenty two consecutive months of at least one sister being pregnant.

I am so incredibly happy for my sister and brother-in-law.  This is a much wanted and much longed for baby.  Finally, at the end of a long struggle they will get their baby.  I really am happy for them.

But I am so sad for us.  Sad because a baby will never be our happy ending.  I know it will get better but right now it hurts and right now I want this to not be our life.

Tomorrow will be a new day.

A few simple requests

My sister has reached what I like to call the "batshit crazy" phase of her pregnancy.  Maybe it's just me, but I find women in late pregnancy to be pretty much unbearable.  She's at that point.

I talked to her this morning.  I've sort of put her due date out of my mind, but I realized how close she is based on how unbearable she was on the phone.  She cried because her hairdresser can't fit her in before her due date and she's going to have grey hairs in all of the pictures when the baby is born.  I bit my tongue so I didn't suggest that maybe this particular problem was a result of her failure to plan ahead.  I mean, she's known this was going to happen for a bit.  Then she launched into how overwhelmed she was with picking out a breast pump.  Again, I bit my tongue and didn't remind her that I do not have (nor will I ever have) experience with this particular device. 

Since she felt so comfortable talking about her pregnancy, I used it as a segue into "when the baby is born."  Specifically, I made a few requests that I didn't think were unreasonable.  When my niece was born last year I didn't have to foresight (or confidence) to set boundaries and make requests and as a result I ended up being bombarded with texts and calls and tagged in I don't even know how many pictures on Facebook.  The state it left me in wasn't pretty and it took me quite a while to claw myself out of it.  When my other niece was born a few months later I still wasn't in a great state of mind, but thankfully hubs' ran interference and protected me from a lot. It still hurt but at least I wasn't reduced to a sobbing mess on the floor.

This time I'm at a good place so I felt comfortable making a few requests.  I fully understand that this day (whenever it comes) isn't about me and that my sister deserves this day to be about her.  That being said I need to protect myself.  So I told her that I wouldn't be coming to visit until the baby was a few weeks old.  I requested that I not be tagged in any pictures on Facebook.  And I asked that I be informed of the birth by text instead of a phone call.

On some level I think that she understood why, even though I didn't explain my reasons.  There were tears but she agreed to my requests and said that she'd love to introduce us to her son whenever we we are ready to meet him.

I'm doing ok with all of this, though I reserve my right to lose it later if that's what I need to do.  At least I'm doing a lot better when compared to the birth of my nieces because anyone who's been reading this blog for any length of time knows that I didn't handle those two .  But I'm also a year removed from that.  I'm angry that infertility stole from me the ability to celebrate with my sister(s) on one of the happiest days of their life, but I'm being gentle with myself and allowing for the space that I need to get through this, and I think that I took big step this morning by advocating for myself and making a few simple requests.

Maybe someday I'll figure it all out

I'm having a bit of a crisis.  It's ridiculous.  Really ridiculous.  I hesitate to say it's a midlife crisis (since I hope to live longer than 70), but that's sort of what it feels like.  I'm turning 35 this year.  35 is the age where I thought I'd have all of my shit figured out.  Yet I don't have my shit figured out, not even close, and I'm feeling the itch to do something different and impulsive, but I don't know what.  The thing is, I'm genuinely happy with my life right now, so I don't even know what's gotten into me.  Tell me that I'm not the only one who gets like this sometimes. 

Déjà vu

I don't mind when people share hard things with me.  Even when I can't relate or have a limited framework to understand what they're talking about.  In fact, sometimes I think that people are so concerned with appearances that they don't really let people see the real them.  I'm guilty of this sometimes too.

Yesterday I had someone stop by my office, a woman, who I would estimate to be late 40s or early 50s.  During the course of the conversation she mentioned that her youngest child leaves for college in the fall and that she was having a pretty difficult time dealing with it.  It wasn't in a "look at me" sort of way or a "my life is so much worse than yours" sort of way, but in a very matter of fact, "this is what is happening and I'm having a hard time with it" sort of way.  We ended up talking about how expected (or unexpected) curveballs that life throws our way can end up turning into a really fun adventure.

A little bit later I was in a meeting with another woman, who I would also estimate to be somewhere in the late 40s or early 50s age range.  She shared that her youngest left for college in August and how she's finding it difficult to adjust to life as an empty nester.  Again, shared in a very matter of fact sort of way.  Again we talked about making it an adventure, and maybe pursuing some things she hadn't previously been able to do.

Neither of these interactions were hurtful.  In fact, they were both quite genuine.  I guess I just sort of found me an odd choice for a confidant on this topic.  And two conversations on the same exact topic maybe two hours apart, that's just weird.

Mother Nature listened to my pleas

In my last post I mentioned that a snow storm would be mighty convenient in light of my sister's baby shower and my niece's 5th birthday party this weekend.  Well, I got my wish.  It started snowing around 3:30 yesterday afternoon and didn't stop until around noon today.  When it was all said and done we ended up with about nine inches (which is nothing compared to what areas further east got).  I wouldn't go as far as to say that we were snowed in, but it was enough snow that the Department of Transportation asked residents to stay at home unless they absolutely needed to go out.  Since we didn't need to go anywhere we stayed home all day, watched X-Files (in preparation for the reboot starting tomorrow night!),  played board games, and ate way too much food.

While I really was ok with whatever snap judgements that people made about me for not attending the shower, having a big snow storm as an excuse definitely made a dent in the criticism and made me look like not quite as much of an ass for not attending.  :)

Well at least we weren't overlooked this year

Last January we weren't invited to my niece's birthday party.  I'm sure that this wasn't intentional and I suspect that everybody thought somebody else invited us (my family does not excel at effective communication), but at the same time being left out hurt really bad (particularly since I found out when I saw party pictures on Facebook).  Honestly, it still hurts a bit.  Not keen to repeat the hurt feelings from last year, my sister (birthday niece's mom) called me on Friday to invite me to niece's party.  The big party is this coming Sunday, a date chosen specifically to accommodate out of town guests coming for pregnant sister's baby shower which is on Saturday. 

So my choices are:

1. Suck it up and go to the baby shower and then attend the party the next day.
2. Skip the baby shower, go to the party, and look like an ass.
3. Skip both, look like an ass, and take care of myself.
4. Pray for a snow storm over the weekend that will make travel impossible and give me a convenient excuse to skip both.

Choice 1 isn't going to happen because I promised myself that I never had to attend a baby shower ever again.  Choice 2 isn't going to happen either, mainly because I don't want to appear to play favorites, and a child's birthday party isn't my definition of fun, particularly when attending would mean six hours of driving (round trip).  So choice 3 is what's going to happen, but a snow storm would make a mighty convenient excuse. 

I won't lie, I do feel bad.  I feel like I'm letting people down.  I feel like I'm missing out on important things in their lives.  And all of that may be true.  But it's what I need to do to take care of myself.  I know I could handle the birthday party but the baby shower would set me up for failure.  I can't go to one and not the other, so I will go to neither.  The thing that's making me feel a little bit better at the moment is that there will probably be so many people at both events that my absence won't be missed.  But it still sucks.