Last January
we weren't invited to my niece's birthday party. I'm sure that this wasn't intentional and I suspect that everybody thought somebody else invited us (my family does not excel at effective communication), but at the same time being left out hurt really bad (particularly since I found out when I saw party pictures on Facebook). Honestly, it still hurts a bit. Not keen to repeat the hurt feelings from last year, my sister (birthday niece's mom) called me on Friday to invite me to niece's party. The big party is this coming Sunday, a date chosen specifically to accommodate out of town guests coming for pregnant sister's baby shower which is on Saturday.
So my choices are:
- Suck it up and go to the baby shower and then attend the party the next day.
- Skip the baby shower, go to the party, and look like an ass.
- Skip both, look like an ass, and take care of myself.
- Pray for a snow storm over the weekend that will make travel impossible and give me a convenient excuse to skip both.
Choice 1 isn't going to happen because I promised myself that I never had to attend a baby shower ever again. Choice 2 isn't going to happen either, mainly because I don't want to appear to play favorites, and a child's birthday party isn't my definition of fun, particularly when attending would mean six hours of driving (round trip). So choice 3 is what's going to happen, but a snow storm would make a mighty convenient excuse.
I won't lie, I do feel bad. I feel like I'm letting people down. I feel like I'm missing out on important things in their lives. And all of that may be true. But it's what I need to do to take care of myself. I know I could handle the birthday party but the baby shower would set me up for failure. I can't go to one and not the other, so I will go to neither. The thing that's making me feel a little bit better at the moment is that there will probably be so many people at both events that my absence won't be missed. But it still sucks.
You're doing the right thing, even though it sucks. You're taking care of yourself. Sure, there may be some backlash. But the backlash is better navigated than torturing yourself for 2 events that really focuses on the mothers (seriously, I think your niece is probably looking forward to the day when this celebration is adult-minimal). So send 2 gifts and then make plans for a weekend of self-care. And no guilt or regrets.
ReplyDeleteThis is the plan. I've already given pregnant sister her gift, a car seat (all of my sisters are terrible drivers so I always take care of buying the safest reasonably priced convertible car seat on the market). I bought niece some nail polish (which will piss my sister off, but a a perk of being an aunt is doing stuff like this) and a couple of books. She's turning five so honestly I don't even think she'll notice I'm not there.
Deletehi darling. I know it sucks. I would always choose number 3 (and pray for the snow storm prediction).
ReplyDeleteI skipped 7 consecutive birthday parties of my oldest niece. The first one that I attended was the eight one, few months ago.
I had guilty feeling for 7 consecutive years. But I knew that declining invitations was important in order for me to survive .
warm hugs from sLOVEnia.
Thanks for the reassurance, and believe it or not, the snow storm might actually materialize. The current track has us getting less than two inches, but if the storm shifts a little bit we could get 10-12 inches. :)
DeleteThe first step to fully healing is recognizing what a highly charged emotional time this is for all in your life. For a while there will be a dual path. The paths will converge again and when they do you will be stronger and wiser. xo
ReplyDeleteThere really is something to be said for taking care of oneself. I used to go to these things to save face, knowing full well that it would set me back in my recovery. Some people will never understand, and as far as I'm concerned, that's their problem. It feels pretty crappy declining invitations in the short term, but in the long term it's so much better for me!
DeleteWell, that sucks. It's great that you feel that you COULD have attended the birthday party (progress!) -- but the fact that they planned it to coincide with the baby shower is like yanking the rug out from under your feet just as you're re-learning to walk. I can't blame you for staying home but I will silently cheer on that snowstorm, if it helps you feel less guilty. ;) (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteRight?! Ugh. Can't win for losing! Someday..... :)
DeleteThanks for the snow wishes!
Maybe it's because I live in lil' ole' Europe, but a six hour round trip at this time of year sounds like a really big deal to me, especially when, as you say, there will be lots of other people there. So I don't think you should feel bad about not going, even without the self preservation argument. Could you perhaps Skype with your niece on or around her birthday so that she still knows you are celebrating with her?
ReplyDeleteNaomi M
In six hours you'd probably be in a different country. :) I'll definitely give her a call on her actual birthday. And You're right, I'm sure she won't even notice our absence!
DeleteI don't really think you're letting anyone down, except yourself by beating yourself up! The pregnant sister doesn't expect you at the shower, and the other sister must surely know that, so shouldn't be surprised if you don't go to the birthday party. Anyway, children's birthday parties can be painful (I know), and then all the presents get muddled up. So take a gift for your niece another time, and it will be so much more meaningful for your niece (and you). I surprise my nieces and nephews with presents at any time of the year. Usually, just when they think I've forgotten their birthdays, or even when they've already forgotten that they thought I'd forgotten their birthdays (if you know what I mean). Then they get all excited that presents arrived ... to quote my nephew ... "FOR NO REASON!!"
ReplyDeleteYou're right, I am beating myself up about this. I shouldn't be, but I am. It's a hard habit to break.
DeleteI think I'm going to mail the present to my niece, because it's always fun to get a package in the mail. But then again maybe I'll wait and give it to her myself. She'll be five so I'm sure she doesn't have a great concept of time yet anyway.
Great, I was routing for #3!! (Not that it's all about me or anything......) #4 is most desirable but out of our control, and of course the out of our control aspect makes me wary. Although we here on southern LI did just this morning get bumped into the 12-18 inch snow category from the 5-8 inch category......dare to dream.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I think it's normal to feel somewhat conflicted about these "choices", as this reality is not the one we signed up for. But here's to a self care weekend, maybe?
Personally, I don't think I could go to a kids b-day party. I'd either be frozen in pain or spewing infinite snarky comments......neither is quite the friend maker.