My sister has reached what I like to call the "batshit crazy" phase of her pregnancy. Maybe it's just me, but I find women in late pregnancy to be pretty much unbearable. She's at that point.
I talked to her this morning. I've sort of put her due date out of my mind, but I realized how close she is based on how unbearable she was on the phone. She cried because her hairdresser can't fit her in before her due date and she's going to have grey hairs in all of the pictures when the baby is born. I bit my tongue so I didn't suggest that maybe this particular problem was a result of her failure to plan ahead. I mean, she's known this was going to happen for a bit. Then she launched into how overwhelmed she was with picking out a breast pump. Again, I bit my tongue and didn't remind her that I do not have (nor will I ever have) experience with this particular device.
Since she felt so comfortable talking about her pregnancy, I used it as a segue into "when the baby is born." Specifically, I made a few requests that I didn't think were unreasonable. When my niece was born last year I didn't have to foresight (or confidence) to set boundaries and make requests and as a result I ended up being bombarded with texts and calls and tagged in I don't even know how many pictures on Facebook. The state it left me in wasn't pretty and it took me quite a while to claw myself out of it. When my other niece was born a few months later I still wasn't in a great state of mind, but thankfully hubs' ran interference and protected me from a lot. It still hurt but at least I wasn't reduced to a sobbing mess on the floor.
This time I'm at a good place so I felt comfortable making a few requests. I fully understand that this day (whenever it comes) isn't about me and that my sister deserves this day to be about her. That being said I need to protect myself. So I told her that I wouldn't be coming to visit until the baby was a few weeks old. I requested that I not be tagged in any pictures on Facebook. And I asked that I be informed of the birth by text instead of a phone call.
On some level I think that she understood why, even though I didn't explain my reasons. There were tears but she agreed to my requests and said that she'd love to introduce us to her son whenever we we are ready to meet him.
I'm doing ok with all of this, though I reserve my right to lose it later if that's what I need to do. At least I'm doing a lot better when compared to the birth of my nieces because anyone who's been reading this blog for any length of time knows that I didn't handle those two . But I'm also a year removed from that. I'm angry that infertility stole from me the ability to celebrate with my sister(s) on one of the happiest days of their life, but I'm being gentle with myself and allowing for the space that I need to get through this, and I think that I took big step this morning by advocating for myself and making a few simple requests.
I very glad that you had the courage to make some simple requests.
ReplyDeleteAnd I love your sister for this sentence: "I'd love to introduce you to my son whenever you we are ready to meet him".
xo
You are part of the reason I had the courage to do this! :)
DeleteSounds like you’ve come to an understanding with yourself about not always having to be the strong one (I’ve just read the two earlier linked posts), and realising that your self care is just as important for yourself as trying to be supportive and caught up in your sister’s happiness.
ReplyDeleteWe’ve done the same over the years; visiting weeks later once they’re back home and settled and the plethora of visitors have dwindled; I’m still not on facebook; the last few new baby notifications have come through via email, so that helped.
Your sister seems to maybe have some grasp of where you’re coming from. A beautiful sentiment on her part. Here’s to little victories.
And if you need to lose it then you go right ahead... just make sure you have your required supplies on hand when you’re ready to pick yourself up again. You know, tissues, some loud kick-ass music and a g̶l̶a̶s̶s̶ bottle of good wine, and know that your online friends are thinking of you. : )
I think I still feel like I have to be strong, but now I'm doing a better job at acknowledging that my feelings are important too and that I have every right to take care of myself. So I will be strong from afar. At first I felt like it was a horrible thing to not go immediately to see the babies but now I realize that it's not uncommon at all, at least not for women like us who have been through what we've been through.
DeleteI do anticipate losing it. The intensity of it is what remains to be seen.
It takes a lot of bravery to advocate for one's self, but especially in situations like this one. I understand this birth is an important day for your sister, but too often this gets totally blown out of proportion where it is assumed everyone else comes second. And that's not healthy for anyone.
ReplyDeleteSo yes to boundaries and limits. And yes to also knowing it is completely okay to be be okay on that day. There's still so much to grieve. So order a good bottle of wine and plan to turn off your phone/go on a FB fast for a couple of days.
Sending hugs.
A Facebook fast paired with a nice red is a great idea! Seriously though, thanks for acknowledging that while important, giving birth does not mean that the world stops for that person and everyone else should bow to her.
DeleteWise decision. I've unfollowed some people on FB due to the bombardment of baby photos and updates. I can always visit their pages whenever I feel like it. I've also updated the "see first" FB list so that I'm bombarded instead by cat photos.
ReplyDeleteI was diagnosed with poor ovarian reserve and very bad prognosis of having a baby with my own eggs. I was even given the option to consider donor eggs. That was around july 2014. I was absolutely devastated with the news and I arranged an IVF for November 2014 and it failed also, given that I had nothing to lose, I contacted Dr.Agbazara i meet online and he send me his herbal product,. Believe it or not... I am already pregnant within few after his help. contact him today with any kind of problem and be happy like me on ( agbazara@gmail.com )
ReplyDelete