I've been wanting to write this post for several weeks but I haven't been able to find the right words to say what I want to say how I want to say it. It's been weighing on my mind so I'm just going to write.
I lost a friend recently. A good friend. This friend and I went through the worst parts of infertility together. We were each other's support system. We talked almost every day. To tell the whole story I need to rewind to this time last year. We made the decision to stop trying, to not pursue fertility treatments, and to live childfree right around the time that she found out that she was pregnant. I'll spare you the details, but how she handled her pregnancy with me was a case study of what not to do. She hurt me deeply, irreparably in some respects. We were able to talk through it and salvage our friendship, but it wasn't the same. I moved past it as much as I could and was able to support her through her miscarriage.
As the months progressed we remained friends but I was very guarded with her. She had hurt me deeply and I needed to protect myself. Our friendship became more about her. She was traveling deeper down the treatment path at the same time I was headed in a completely opposite direction. Even though she couldn't express it she was having trouble supporting me with my choices and even though I was having trouble admitting it, it was difficult for me to support her because she was still immersed in the TTC madness and I was trying to move past that. It all came to a head when I decided to get the IUD. She outright told me that she thought that I was giving up. That I was making the wrong choice. It hurt. It was around this time when I realized that she may not be the healthiest relationship for me at this point of my life. More hurt followed, little jabs here and there. But they hurt.
It all came to a head one day in May when I stopped talking to her. There wasn't a big blow up or anything like that. I was sick of all the jabs. I was sick of having my choices questioned. I was sick of me supporting her but receiving no support in return. I was just done.
I'm not quite ready to declare our friendship dead, but I don't know if I'm going to make an effort to rekindle it anytime soon. I honestly don't think she ever intended to hurt me. I think that she's the type of person that, when hurting, lashes out at those around her. I really do wish her all the best and I hope she gets her much wanted baby, but I just don't know that I am the right person to support her right now. I know she's not the type of support that I need in my life right now. It makes me sad, but I also know that I deserve better. I guess our friendship has just run it's course.