Monday, July 20, 2015

You did what?!

Saturday started off well enough.  We slept in a little bit, ate breakfast, and then I headed upstairs to take a shower.  When I came back downstairs hubs and I had the following conversation:

Hubs: "I told (family friend and his wife) that we would come to their* baby shower"

Me: (sits down on steps) "What?"

Hubs: "Yeah!  It's on (whatever date-I wasn't listening).  It's going to be at (whatever place-also not listening)."

Me: "You RSVP'd?"

Hubs: (sensing this is going downhill fast) "Yeah...."

Me: "Without asking me first?  To a baby shower? I'm not going to a baby shower.  I'm not going to a baby shower ever again!**"

Hubs: "But I RSVP'd..."

Me: "I don't care...I'm not going" (I'm crying and yelling at this point)

Hubs: "It's just one day...."

Me: "I'm not going.  Period.  Not open for discussion.  You can go if you want but I'm not."

Hubs: (a little angry at this point) "What am I going to tell them?"

Me: "I don't really care.  Tell them the truth for all I care.  Maybe you should have thought about that before you told someone that we would go to an event without asking me first."

Now hubs almost never commits to something without running it by me first.  So this is what I will file in the "momentary attack of stupid" category and try to forget about it.  It did result in a good conversation about my feelings surrounding baby showers.  I've told him many times that I won't do this or that but I haven't really told him why or how it makes me feel.  So he unintentionally did something pretty hurtful, but the end result was growth.

I won't lie, Hubs and I don't have these conversations often.  He's the sort of guy that wants to fix things***.  But this can't be fixed, and definitely not fixed quickly.  This quality makes him somewhat hard to talk to about my feelings.  This is just something that I have to go through.  And it will get better.  Eventually.  I've said more than once that I don't think he'll ever truly get the emotional toll infertility has taken on me, but conversations like this help.

Then he told me that his dad and brother were coming on Sunday to spend the night.  Apparently he found out two weeks ago but forgot to tell me.  Ugh.

Oh and my mom told me that I was overreacting to the whole baby shower thing.  Just when she starts to earn back a little bit of my trust and I think she might be trying to understand a little bit, she goes and ruins it.  Back to arm's length she goes....

*Since when did baby showers become a couples thing?
**This should have been known.  Six months ago I made the same exact statement concerning my sister's baby shower.
***I totally get that it's his instinct to protect me and try to make the hurt go away.


  1. *Hug* I'm so sorry about what your mother said to you. It's totally understandable that you wouldn't want to attend a baby shower. Being through what you've had to go through, it is only natural and I can't wrap my head around people not realising this.

    I'm glad you and your hubby were able to talk things through and hopefully it's only a one time thing and won't happen again. Is he stressed about work or anything? It might have slipped his mind if his mind was on work to run it past you first.

    It is kind of strange ... I always thought baby showers were just for the women. I haven't heard of one where couples attended.

    I guess that's the good thing about my sister living so far away. I'm not expected to attend the baby showers. I didn't attend the one for her first child so I won't be attending the one for her second child. I might send her a card that says congratulations but that's pretty much the extent of my involvement in that part of her pregnancy.

    1. I don't get it either! If anything you would think that she would want to support me and just agree with me even if she didn't understand. Whatever. I love her because she's my mother, but we don't have what I'd call a close relationship.

      He's sick and is so congested so I don't really think he was thinking straight. Plus the guy is the one who passed on the invitation while they were talking on Facebook Messenger.

      I think that couples baby showers are something that have gained popularity in the last few years. Same thing with the damn gender reveal parties. But I'm the person who eloped and didn't even want a bridal shower or wedding reception so I'm not exactly up on pop culture.

      There are a lot of things that suck about living far away from family, but sometimes it is convenient, like when baby showers come up!

  2. Oh dear. He - being a fixer - probably thought he was being helpful by RSVPing! Really, men, they're hopeless sometimes, aren't they?

    I wonder if, because we protect ourselves - by not having conversations with them because they're going to want to fix things - they think we're a lot better than we are? When I wrote my post about guilt a week or so ago, I talked about it with my DH, and he was stunned to think I'd felt guilty! I'd obviously felt it so deeply, I'd never discussed it with him.

    Oh - and he'd be in deep trouble if he forgot to tell me members of his family were coming to stay!

    Sorry your mother doesn't get it. I think some people never get it, and will always think we're over-reacting. I'm not sure my mother ever truly got it either.

    1. So hopeless! He was actually proud of himself for agreeing to go and finding their online registry.....

      I think you're right-sometimes it's easier to not talk to them. Because we just want to talk through things and they want to fix things and be done with it. I'm really good at putting on a brave face, and it goes for in front of him too, so it's not unreasonable for him to think that I'm better than I am.

      Oh he was in trouble for not telling me they were coming. He got to get the guest room bed made, the pull out couch fixed up, and the guest bathroom cleaned while I went shopping. :)

      I don't know why I give my mom so many chances. Maybe someday I'll learn that she's going to burn me every time.

  3. We don't have baby showers in our parts of Europe. So far we imported literally all American holidays that were not known when I was a child (for example - San Valentine's day, Halloween etc). But not baby showers. I guess it has to do with firm belief that it brings bad luck to give a gift to a newborn child. You are supposed to give gifts after the child is born.

    Anyway. If we had them, I would never ever go to one. Congratulations for the conversation with hubs. You explained well.

    Regarding mom: not that I actually ever talked with my mom about infertility. But she knows it. But she does not get it that there are lots of things that hurt me.

    Hugs .

    1. You are so lucky to not have to deal with baby showers! I hope they never make their way to your part of the world!

      I'm thinking that my mom will never get either. Some things just hurt and maybe they always will, but I'm pretty sure she'll never understand. Your mom is the same. It's hard because it seems like a mother's responsibility is to support her child.

  4. Late to the party, but ... oh, for the love!

    If this bothers you, it bothers you. Nobody else gets to tell you how you're supposed to feel.

    Also? Baby showers SUUUUUUUUCK. Throw in the whole infertility issue, and a baby shower is pure hell. I've found that with a few years of ... whatever we call this ... accepted childlessness? For-real infertility? ... under my belt, showers don't incense me the way they used to. Now, it's more, "Of course I'm not attending" and less "How dare you even ask." The grief is still there, but it's different. Mellower. Less sharp. Well, that's how it feels today, anyway. Tomorrow might be a totally different story. You know.

    1. Baby showers do suck! I'm fairly confident that I'd rather have a root canal, and I do mean that in all seriousness.

      I hope that one day the grief will mellow out. Where I can read the invite without being reduced to tears. But until then I'll just take care of me and take one day at a time. That's all that any of us can do!