Tuesday, December 23, 2014

It's ok to feel what I'm feeling

Right now I'm feeling vulnerable.  Weak.  Flawed.  Like I'm not cut out for this.  Like it's my fault that we'll never have kids.  We did make the conscious decision to put an end to it (or, more accurately, to never get started), but goddamnit this is hard.  I am enough, I know that, but it doesn't feel like it.  I feel like I am less.

I had a good cry earlier.  I'm feeling sorry for myself.  This is hard.  It's not what I had planned for my life.  I'm having trouble visualizing life without kids as awesome.

I know these feelings are temporary and that they will pass.  I know that having these feeling these feelings is ok and just part of the process.  But I hate it.  I don't want to feel like this.  

I have a cold and am feeling pretty miserable.  I think that's part of my state of mind today.

*Editing to add that I put something on Facebook about being sick.  One of my pregnant sisters who is also sick made some snarky comment about me being able to take able to take over the counter medication and she couldn't.  STFU. I think I'll go make another cup of green tea and cry some more. 

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8 comments:

  1. KlaraDecember 23, 2014 at 11:53 PM

    I know you love your sister, but this was a heartless nasty comment.

    I know how you feel, I felt so for many Christmases.

    Sending you warm hugs from sLOVEnia &
    Wishing you and your husband a merry Christmas.

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    1. BentNotBrokenDecember 24, 2014 at 7:09 AM

      Thanks, Klara! I was feeling so strong until yesterday and now I'm not. It was so sudden. I will be ok though!

      Merry Christmas to you and your husband as well!

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  2. AnonymousDecember 24, 2014 at 3:38 PM

    I feel you. As much as I've benefited from cuddling with my harsh emotions, I rarely like it. But, meeting a moment like the one you seem to be meeting takes iron clad strength and a drive towards self compassion. So good for you. But I'm sorry you feel like shit. And the comment your sister made really sucks.

    No one has asked me for a gender guess as of late, lucky for them, but if they did my answer would be "Who in the hell GIVES a crap??", likely followed by "I really don't need to be bothered with this nonsense while I'm grieving the loss of my children." Alas.....charm never really was my forte..............nor is avoiding cursing, apparently..........

    I'll be thinking of you.

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    1. BentNotBrokenDecember 25, 2014 at 7:12 AM

      Welcome! I discovered your blog a few weeks ago but have yet to comment. Your Audios, "Meant to Be" post particularly resonated. I've had something similar in my drafts folder for ages but haven't found the right words yet.

      I hate cuddling with harsh emotions (great phrase, by the way!) but the way I figure it is that I can deal with these things now as the come and live a great life or suppress my grief indefinitely and always live in a state of what could have been. Difficult.

      I'll have to provide an obligatory gender guess sometime soon. Apparently my sister (not the pregnant one who made the snarky comment on Facebook, but the other pregnant one) finds out sometime next week. I don't care at all but I will provide a guess because it's just easier than creating family drama.

      Avoiding cursing is not my forte either. In fact, hubs and I joke that one of the benefits of infertility is that we can say whatever we want, however we want to say it, in our house. So we do even attempt to avoid cursing. :)

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  3. MaliDecember 29, 2014 at 11:36 PM

    Sorry you had a bad day. So often they come out of the blue, and I hope by now it is only a memory.

    And sorry for the snarky comment by your sister. She does indeed belong on STFU Parents. I think I'd have been sarcastic - "thanks so much for your sensitivity and caring!" Or maybe I wouldn't have. Sisters are not always easy, pregnant or not.

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    1. BentNotBrokenDecember 30, 2014 at 7:03 AM

      That's just the thing, Mali. The bad days do come out of the blue and with no warning whatsoever. I wish there were some warning! But it is in the past and I'm ok now!

      In regards to the snarky comment two friends, one who knows about our infertility (and is experiencing it herself) and one who has no clue, both replied to her comment with equal snark. I love my friends!

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  4. loribethDecember 30, 2014 at 2:32 PM

    Colds bring out the nastiness in all of us, I think (including, apparently, your sister). :p Passing you some more green tea & Kleenex, along with some hugs. ;)

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    1. BentNotBrokenDecember 31, 2014 at 8:07 AM

      Colds definitely bring out the nastiness! Everything is magnified. As it turns out she was really sick, definitely much more sick than I was, and was almost hospitalized. It doesn't change the fact that her comment hurt me, but I can maybe understand a bit better where she was coming from.

      Delete

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