Conflicting emotions

Hubs and I went on a little road trip this past weekend to celebrate Christmas with my family.  I was pretty ambivalent about going (remember that two of three of my sisters are currently pregnant) and it turned out to be ok.  There were some fun memories like seeing White Christmas on the big screen with my mom and sisters.  It's one of my favorite Christmas movies and apparently they brought it back to theaters for several showings since this year is the 60th anniversary of it's release.  I'm very glad that we went but I'm also glad it's over.  I am so ready to celebrate Christmas in my home this year.

My sisters kept the pregnancy talk/complaining to a minimum so that was nice.  My sister that is due in February did ask several times if I wanted to feel the baby move, but after the third time that I declined I think she figured it out that I had no desire to feel her stomach and didn't ask again.   My youngest sister (the one due in June) told our godparents and grandparents that she was pregnant and it was hard to witness all of them fussing over her.  I'll never get to experience announcing that I'm pregnant to my family and that makes me sad.  I don't like being the center of attention by any stretch, but, I don't know, it must be sort of fun to have everybody be excited for you?  Oh well.  My youngest sister finds out the gender the week after Christmas and wanted my gender guess.  Again, I'm not interested in guessing.  It's either going to be a boy or a girl.  Providing a guess isn't going to change anything.  Collecting gender guesses just another thing that I'll never get to experience.  I guess that I feel like a jerk that I'm not really able to be excited for them and share their pregnancies with them, but at the same time I know that I need to protect myself.  Right now protecting myself is my priority.

I have two nieces and one nephew.  My nephew will be eight in February, my oldest niece will be four in January, and my youngest niece is 18 months old.  They don't see us that often so when we do see them, we make sure to spend a lot of quality time with them.  I'm sure I don't see or hear about everything, but it breaks my heart to see my siblings interact with their kids.  Or, more accurately, not interact with their kids.  How hard is it to sit down and spend 15 minutes reading a book to your child?  Or to sit down and assemble a lego set?  Or to play dollies?  Or color?  My youngest niece is teething and wasn't feeling well over the weekend and she just wanted to cuddle.  She picked me to cuddle with.  Even at 18 months I think she understood that I would indulge her need to cuddle whereas her parents would have just been too busy to stop and comfort her.  I'm worried about my nephew for when his little sister is born.  They don't pay much attention to him now and I just worry that they'll forget about him when the baby comes.  I know that they love their kids but it just seems like they take them for granted and it breaks my heart.  I like to think that I wouldn't take kids for granted if I had managed to have them.  I guess we'll just continue to be the fun aunt and uncle, shower them with love and affection when we see them, and hope that's enough.

I had a lot of fun spending time with my family and a ton of fun spending time with my nieces and nephews, but at the same time my heart was broken on so many different levels.  Conflicting emotions summarizes my feelings about the weekend.

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I haven't told hubs about this blog yet though I'm not really hiding it.  I'm sure he doesn't mind.  He trusts me.  I haven't shared anything that he doesn't already know, but he also doesn't completely understand the whole grieving process for me, which was one of my primary motivations for starting this blog in the first place.  I think he doesn't completely understand why I'm not over it yet.

I was perusing Facebook and the blogs I follow this morning and hubs asked what I was doing.  At the time I happened to be commenting on loribeth's blog, specifically her most recent post where she talks about her SIL saying that her sons were her greatest accomplishment and how that stung.  I read that specific part to him and gave him the Cliff's Notes version of loribeth's story.  For the first time I think he understood that what I am experiencing is normal and that it's not a matter of weeks or months, but a matter of years or probably even forever.  So many thanks to loribeth for being the catalyst for a meaningful conversation between hubs and me.