We've put of the inevitable for long enough. This weekend we are headed to my hometown to see family. I did meet my newest nephew about a month ago, but this will be my first time with the whole crew. My parents, all three of my sisters, and all three of their families. The closer that we get to it, the more I'm dreading it. I keep telling myself that it won't be as bad as I'm imagining it.
The fact of the matter is that I'm different. I'll always be different. My sisters all have kids. I don't. Maybe someday I'll get used to it.
Thursday, April 21, 2016
Monday, April 18, 2016
My day last Friday
Last week I found myself in St. Louis, Missouri for a work conference. Since I knew that Justine lives in St. Louis, I reached out to her and we decided to have lunch on Friday. I'm almost embarrassed to admit this, but I was a little bit nervous to meet her. I mean, I've "known" her for a while now through blogging, but would we get along in person? Would we have anything to talk about? Would we both be miserable? As it turned out, I had nothing to worry about. The conversation came easy. We have the shared experience of infertility, but we talked about so much more. I can't even begin to explain how refreshing it was to meet a new person, but to also be able to let my guard down, since I knew there weren't going to be any family planning zingers. We were just two women, who happened to not have children after infertility, having lunch and talking, and it was wonderful. It felt so normal.
Justine was the first of many blogger friends that I hope to meet in person someday!
Since I was in St. Louis for a conference, I knew I'd be seeing friends, acquaintances, and colleagues that I've known for the better part of ten years plus a whole bunch of new people. I don't know how conferences in other fields work, but in mine, days are filled with sessions and presentations, late afternoons are for receptions for everything under the sun, and evenings are for fun. All of my graduate school friends and some of the faculty decided to have dinner on Friday evening. Since we left graduate school, all but one of these people have had at least one child (the remaining person has no desire to have children). One of my go to strategies for navigating group situations and preventing unwanted family planning questions is to always be seen with a drink in my hand. Except Friday night it didn't work. Someone sitting right beside me at dinner said "so.....I heard you were pregnant." Mind you, I was on my second glass of wine at this point. I was taken aback. I can usually navigate the "so.....when are you guys having kids" question. But rumors going around that I am pregnant? Not so much prepared for this one. I managed to choke out a response along the lines of "I'm not sure where you heard that, but I can confirm with 100% certainty that I am not pregnant." It didn't ruin the evening, but it definitely put a damper on it. I felt really out of place.
Friday was an interesting day. An amazing lunch with a person I'd never met in person where I felt so normal and a dinner with people I've known for years where I felt like a fish out of water. A sharp contrast. I just have to laugh about it.
Justine was the first of many blogger friends that I hope to meet in person someday!
Since I was in St. Louis for a conference, I knew I'd be seeing friends, acquaintances, and colleagues that I've known for the better part of ten years plus a whole bunch of new people. I don't know how conferences in other fields work, but in mine, days are filled with sessions and presentations, late afternoons are for receptions for everything under the sun, and evenings are for fun. All of my graduate school friends and some of the faculty decided to have dinner on Friday evening. Since we left graduate school, all but one of these people have had at least one child (the remaining person has no desire to have children). One of my go to strategies for navigating group situations and preventing unwanted family planning questions is to always be seen with a drink in my hand. Except Friday night it didn't work. Someone sitting right beside me at dinner said "so.....I heard you were pregnant." Mind you, I was on my second glass of wine at this point. I was taken aback. I can usually navigate the "so.....when are you guys having kids" question. But rumors going around that I am pregnant? Not so much prepared for this one. I managed to choke out a response along the lines of "I'm not sure where you heard that, but I can confirm with 100% certainty that I am not pregnant." It didn't ruin the evening, but it definitely put a damper on it. I felt really out of place.
Friday was an interesting day. An amazing lunch with a person I'd never met in person where I felt so normal and a dinner with people I've known for years where I felt like a fish out of water. A sharp contrast. I just have to laugh about it.
Saturday, April 9, 2016
Stuck in the middle
We currently rent the townhouse that we live in. We really lucked into this house when we moved here. It was on the market because our landlord was transferred for work, but four years ago when we moved in, the housing market wasn't good, so rather than it sit vacant and pay a realtor, he rented it to us. It's been a great landlord tenant relationship. Essentially we pay the rent on time and he stays out of our business. His mom manages the property (since she lives in the area and he doesn't) and we call her whenever repairs are needed. Because we've been such great tenants he hasn't raised the rent since we moved in, which is almost unheard of for renters.
Since we are buying a house, we let him know that we would be moving out by the end of May. He decided that instead of renting his townhouse out again, he was going to list it for sale. He called me earlier this week to let me know that his mom and his realtor would be stopping by today to look over the property and determine what needs to be done in order to list it.
His mom arrived a bit ahead of the realtor and we visited with her. We like her a lot so it was nice to visit. During the course of the conversation we learned that her son (our landlord) and his wife (they were married in June 2016) are having a baby, due on May 1st. The baby will be her first grandchild. I don't know why, but it caught me off guard a little bit. Basically she got pregnant about a minute after they got married (because one doesn't forget fertility math). I should have expected it. Which served as a not so gentle reminder of how hubs' and my story is so different from most other couples.
The realtor finally got the house, also another middle aged woman, and she seemed quite nice. The realtor and the landlord's mom did a walkthrough on the house. Afterwards we were talking, it came out that the realtor's son and his wife are also expecting their first child.
Two expectant grandmas. In my living room. Talking about their excitement about becoming grandmas. About planning and throwing baby showers. About buying things for their new grandbabies. I had no escape. It took everything I had not to burst into tears.
It was a painful reminder that I will never get to experience pregnancy.
It was a painful reminder that my mom or mother in law will never get to cackle over their excitement because I'm pregnant. Hubs and I are both oldest children. So both of their oldest children failed to have their own children.
Not what I needed after a pretty craptastic week.
I'm over it now. But five minutes seemed like five hours. It caught me off guard and stung like hell for a bit.
If there was a silver lining to the whole thing, it was that they were so caught up in their own glee that neither woman bothered to inquire about my family planning status. Which is good since that would have put me over the edge.
I am proud of myself because I didn't let this brief encounter ruin my day. I'm finding that situations like this hurt just as bad as they always have, but I'm starting to rebound a bit faster. So that's good, I guess.
Since we are buying a house, we let him know that we would be moving out by the end of May. He decided that instead of renting his townhouse out again, he was going to list it for sale. He called me earlier this week to let me know that his mom and his realtor would be stopping by today to look over the property and determine what needs to be done in order to list it.
His mom arrived a bit ahead of the realtor and we visited with her. We like her a lot so it was nice to visit. During the course of the conversation we learned that her son (our landlord) and his wife (they were married in June 2016) are having a baby, due on May 1st. The baby will be her first grandchild. I don't know why, but it caught me off guard a little bit. Basically she got pregnant about a minute after they got married (because one doesn't forget fertility math). I should have expected it. Which served as a not so gentle reminder of how hubs' and my story is so different from most other couples.
The realtor finally got the house, also another middle aged woman, and she seemed quite nice. The realtor and the landlord's mom did a walkthrough on the house. Afterwards we were talking, it came out that the realtor's son and his wife are also expecting their first child.
Two expectant grandmas. In my living room. Talking about their excitement about becoming grandmas. About planning and throwing baby showers. About buying things for their new grandbabies. I had no escape. It took everything I had not to burst into tears.
It was a painful reminder that I will never get to experience pregnancy.
It was a painful reminder that my mom or mother in law will never get to cackle over their excitement because I'm pregnant. Hubs and I are both oldest children. So both of their oldest children failed to have their own children.
Not what I needed after a pretty craptastic week.
I'm over it now. But five minutes seemed like five hours. It caught me off guard and stung like hell for a bit.
If there was a silver lining to the whole thing, it was that they were so caught up in their own glee that neither woman bothered to inquire about my family planning status. Which is good since that would have put me over the edge.
I am proud of myself because I didn't let this brief encounter ruin my day. I'm finding that situations like this hurt just as bad as they always have, but I'm starting to rebound a bit faster. So that's good, I guess.
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
Spring cleaning and other news
Hubs and I have been doing some spring cleaning. It started two weekends ago with getting rid of a bunch of boxes. Hubs has a (bad) habit of saving boxes from stuff, mainly tools and electronics. His logic is that the box would be helpful if he ever needs to file a warranty claim. The problem is that he doesn't bother to sort the boxes and throw them out after the warranty period has expired. So last weekend we sorted through all of those and threw out everything.
This past weekend we moved upstairs and sorted through all of our clothes to donate to charity, throwing out anything we hadn't worn in the last year. This wasn't too bad because we usually do this at least once a year. I sent a bunch of my heavy sweaters to charity since I don't see myself wearing them anytime in the near future (thanks, perimenopause!) and (finally) got hubs to throw out some of his old (terrible) concert t-shirts from his 20s (he'll be 39 this year.......). We also sorted through a a few boxes of stuff that I don't even know why I've held on to for this long. Some of the gems that I found included a 3.5" floppy disc containing pictures from my college graduation (which took place in 2003), my tax returns for 2000-2007 (I have every tax return since too, but they are digital files), a few letters that hubs wrote to me when we first started dating, a card from my grandma (who passed away in 1996), a bunch of old pay stubs, and an entire box of random stuff that needs shredded. I was feeling pretty good at this point.
Then.... hubs mentioned the crib that has been stored in the guest bedroom closet for four years. I felt that all too familiar kick to the ovaries as soon as he said the word. I took a deep breath and asked him to put it in the pile for charity. He was argumentative for about three seconds and suggested that I would be better off to sell it rather than just give it away. I suggested that unless he wanted to deal with the fallout of a breakdown that he would put it in the damn charity pile and not mention it again. So he did. Yes, it probably would have been more reasonable to sell it. But here's the thing, I would have to think about it, about everything we lost, when I created the advertisement to sell it. I would have had to think about it when I researched how much to sell it for. I would have had to think about it whenever people contacted me for more information. And worst of all, I would have had to meet a person, likely a pregnant woman, to actually sell it. Before I lost the nerve we loaded everything up and I hauled it to the charity store's donation drop of. The whole way there I was certain that it would be a 40something woman who would demand to know why I was donating a new in box crib. Mercifully, the person manning the donation station was a teenage boy. He asked what was in the box, I told him that it was a crib, he gave me a confused look, and I followed up with "you know, the thing a baby sleeps in."
So yes, I could have got money out of it, but no amount of money was worth it to me to put myself to the torture. And you know what? It feels good to be rid of it. I didn't even cry. Well, that's a lie, I did briefly tear up, but it was over finding the card from my grandma and not from anything to do with the crib.
This all brings up the elephant in the room. Why are we spring cleaning? Well, because it's spring (even if winter is making a last ditch effort to hang on for a bit longer). Just kidding. There's a bigger reason. We're buying a house! When we walked away from the other house, we decided to take a bit of a break from looking for a house and restart our search in month or so. Frankly we were disillusioned with the whole real estate business and had a bad taste in our mouths because of the sellers of the house we walked away from.
We walked away from the other house on a Sunday morning. Later that afternoon I was mindlessly browsing real estate listings and came across a listing for a cute little house that we hadn't seen previously (the house or the listing), despite the fact that it had been on the market for a while. Upon closer investigation it met all of our "must have" criteria except central air conditioning. As luck would have it, there was an open house going on for that house literally as I was looking at the listing. I anxiously showed hubs the listing and told him that I thought we should go to the open house. Now, my husband is not known for being spontaneous nor flexible, and once he gets something in his head, it's hard to change his mind. So I fully expected him to say that he didn't want to go since we'd already agreed to take a bit of a break from looking. Shockingly, he agreed to go without argument (though maybe this had something to do with me telling him that I was going to go with or without him).
We got there and had to park down the block because the open house was so busy. Once we got in the house we got a good feel immediately. Our initial impressions were that the house was small but had plenty of space for our current needs and room to expand (it has an unfinished basement), that it was in need of some updating but not major remodeling (think circa 1970s wallpaper). Suddenly central air conditioning didn't seem like such a big deal. We left the open house and couldn't get it off of our minds, but we also wanted to make sure that we weren't just falling for it because we were rebounding from the other house. We agreed that we'd see a few more houses and then schedule a private showing with our agent to see this house again (well, our agent's colleague....remember that our agent was on vacation in Italy). Basically we said that if it was meant to be, the house would still be available in a week.
The next week we couldn't stop thinking about the house. We went to see a few other houses but they didn't measure up to the cute little house that we'd seen the previous weekend. Finally, we went back to see the little house and were able to give it an intense looking (something you can't really do when you're at a packed open house and the seller's agent is present). We decided to make an offer right then and there.
Our agent (who is fabulous) wrote the offer from Italy and sent it to us to electronically sign and it was off to the seller. Long story short, we went back and forth with the seller a few times and finally agreed on a fair price for both parties. Next up was the inspection. We ordered the standard home inspection, but also a Radon test. Radon gas is extremely common in the area of the United States that we live in and is the leading cause of lung cancer in non-smokers. Houses can easily be retrofitted with a mitigation system that safely and effectively removes the gas from the house. The inspection went great and only revealed a few extremely minor issues that we decided to not even bother to ask the seller to address. The Radon test came back elevated so we asked the seller to install the mitigation system. Unfortunately (for us) we sent that request to the seller the Tuesday before Easter and apparently the seller is deeply religious and indicated that she wasn't going to even look at the request until after Easter. I must admit that my patience was stretched quite thin. We found out on Friday that the seller agreed to install the radon mitigation system. Apparently our agent really earned his commission for this sale because the seller's agent is notorious for being difficult to work with, which was definitely the case in this sale. We close and officially get the keys to our new house in early May.
I can't wait! Our life is different then we envisioned it, but it feels good to know that we'll be settling down soon. It's also nice to envision a space for what we need and how we will use it as opposed to viewing the space as potential for family friendliness and growing into the space. Oh, and our plan is to rough it with window air conditioners this summer and then have central AC installed next summer. :)
Do me a favor and keep your fingers crossed that there aren't any curve balls that delay closing! We're informing our landlord of our intent to terminate our lease at the end of May, so there's not a whole lot of spare time to play with.
This past weekend we moved upstairs and sorted through all of our clothes to donate to charity, throwing out anything we hadn't worn in the last year. This wasn't too bad because we usually do this at least once a year. I sent a bunch of my heavy sweaters to charity since I don't see myself wearing them anytime in the near future (thanks, perimenopause!) and (finally) got hubs to throw out some of his old (terrible) concert t-shirts from his 20s (he'll be 39 this year.......). We also sorted through a a few boxes of stuff that I don't even know why I've held on to for this long. Some of the gems that I found included a 3.5" floppy disc containing pictures from my college graduation (which took place in 2003), my tax returns for 2000-2007 (I have every tax return since too, but they are digital files), a few letters that hubs wrote to me when we first started dating, a card from my grandma (who passed away in 1996), a bunch of old pay stubs, and an entire box of random stuff that needs shredded. I was feeling pretty good at this point.
Then.... hubs mentioned the crib that has been stored in the guest bedroom closet for four years. I felt that all too familiar kick to the ovaries as soon as he said the word. I took a deep breath and asked him to put it in the pile for charity. He was argumentative for about three seconds and suggested that I would be better off to sell it rather than just give it away. I suggested that unless he wanted to deal with the fallout of a breakdown that he would put it in the damn charity pile and not mention it again. So he did. Yes, it probably would have been more reasonable to sell it. But here's the thing, I would have to think about it, about everything we lost, when I created the advertisement to sell it. I would have had to think about it when I researched how much to sell it for. I would have had to think about it whenever people contacted me for more information. And worst of all, I would have had to meet a person, likely a pregnant woman, to actually sell it. Before I lost the nerve we loaded everything up and I hauled it to the charity store's donation drop of. The whole way there I was certain that it would be a 40something woman who would demand to know why I was donating a new in box crib. Mercifully, the person manning the donation station was a teenage boy. He asked what was in the box, I told him that it was a crib, he gave me a confused look, and I followed up with "you know, the thing a baby sleeps in."
So yes, I could have got money out of it, but no amount of money was worth it to me to put myself to the torture. And you know what? It feels good to be rid of it. I didn't even cry. Well, that's a lie, I did briefly tear up, but it was over finding the card from my grandma and not from anything to do with the crib.
This all brings up the elephant in the room. Why are we spring cleaning? Well, because it's spring (even if winter is making a last ditch effort to hang on for a bit longer). Just kidding. There's a bigger reason. We're buying a house! When we walked away from the other house, we decided to take a bit of a break from looking for a house and restart our search in month or so. Frankly we were disillusioned with the whole real estate business and had a bad taste in our mouths because of the sellers of the house we walked away from.
We walked away from the other house on a Sunday morning. Later that afternoon I was mindlessly browsing real estate listings and came across a listing for a cute little house that we hadn't seen previously (the house or the listing), despite the fact that it had been on the market for a while. Upon closer investigation it met all of our "must have" criteria except central air conditioning. As luck would have it, there was an open house going on for that house literally as I was looking at the listing. I anxiously showed hubs the listing and told him that I thought we should go to the open house. Now, my husband is not known for being spontaneous nor flexible, and once he gets something in his head, it's hard to change his mind. So I fully expected him to say that he didn't want to go since we'd already agreed to take a bit of a break from looking. Shockingly, he agreed to go without argument (though maybe this had something to do with me telling him that I was going to go with or without him).
We got there and had to park down the block because the open house was so busy. Once we got in the house we got a good feel immediately. Our initial impressions were that the house was small but had plenty of space for our current needs and room to expand (it has an unfinished basement), that it was in need of some updating but not major remodeling (think circa 1970s wallpaper). Suddenly central air conditioning didn't seem like such a big deal. We left the open house and couldn't get it off of our minds, but we also wanted to make sure that we weren't just falling for it because we were rebounding from the other house. We agreed that we'd see a few more houses and then schedule a private showing with our agent to see this house again (well, our agent's colleague....remember that our agent was on vacation in Italy). Basically we said that if it was meant to be, the house would still be available in a week.
The next week we couldn't stop thinking about the house. We went to see a few other houses but they didn't measure up to the cute little house that we'd seen the previous weekend. Finally, we went back to see the little house and were able to give it an intense looking (something you can't really do when you're at a packed open house and the seller's agent is present). We decided to make an offer right then and there.
Our agent (who is fabulous) wrote the offer from Italy and sent it to us to electronically sign and it was off to the seller. Long story short, we went back and forth with the seller a few times and finally agreed on a fair price for both parties. Next up was the inspection. We ordered the standard home inspection, but also a Radon test. Radon gas is extremely common in the area of the United States that we live in and is the leading cause of lung cancer in non-smokers. Houses can easily be retrofitted with a mitigation system that safely and effectively removes the gas from the house. The inspection went great and only revealed a few extremely minor issues that we decided to not even bother to ask the seller to address. The Radon test came back elevated so we asked the seller to install the mitigation system. Unfortunately (for us) we sent that request to the seller the Tuesday before Easter and apparently the seller is deeply religious and indicated that she wasn't going to even look at the request until after Easter. I must admit that my patience was stretched quite thin. We found out on Friday that the seller agreed to install the radon mitigation system. Apparently our agent really earned his commission for this sale because the seller's agent is notorious for being difficult to work with, which was definitely the case in this sale. We close and officially get the keys to our new house in early May.
I can't wait! Our life is different then we envisioned it, but it feels good to know that we'll be settling down soon. It's also nice to envision a space for what we need and how we will use it as opposed to viewing the space as potential for family friendliness and growing into the space. Oh, and our plan is to rough it with window air conditioners this summer and then have central AC installed next summer. :)
Do me a favor and keep your fingers crossed that there aren't any curve balls that delay closing! We're informing our landlord of our intent to terminate our lease at the end of May, so there's not a whole lot of spare time to play with.
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
One year after the IUD
Just over a year ago I got an IUD. It wasn't an easy decision, and there were a few points where I wondered if I made the right decision to get it, but one year later I'm glad that I did. As I wrote about a year ago my reason for getting it was twofold. First, I was having scary heavy/bad periods, and second, I knew that having a small sliver of hope of getting pregnant was roadblock on my path to healing. I thought I'd write this post to give a little update on the IUD since I feel like having it for one year is long enough to provide a fair review.
My periods are still pretty regular. They are significantly lighter and I no longer pass large clots. They don't scare me anymore and I've finally gained the confidence to not sit on towels and I no longer carry a change of clothes with me wherever I go when on my period. I also don't feel like I'm quite as prone to mood swings. It's not all rainbows and unicorns though. My periods are still 10-12 days long, just like they were before the IUD. There's not a ton of improvement in my cramps and I still have a lot of random spotting. One particularly unpleasant thing is that I almost always cramp after sex, and this never happened before I got it. It's not bad. I'm not doubled over or anything, it's just really annoying.
I'm not going to lie, I really hoped that my periods would go away altogether, but apparently I'm going to be one of a small percentage of women who still has a period with the IUD. Lucky me. I'd also hoped that my hot flashes would improve. No such luck there either.
On a more positive front, with the sliver of hope of getting pregnant eliminated, I really, truly began to heal. I knew a year before I got the IUD that we'd never have children, but I the mind is a tricky thing and you can't suddenly go from being aware from every single thing that your body does to not paying attention to any of it. The IUD allowed me to put that possibility completely out of my mind, and every single area of my life has improved since. My relationship with hubs has improved because timing isn't in the back of my mind. I'm starting to regain my confidence, so much of which I lost during infertility. I'm starting to think of the future in the context of what we have as opposed to what we'll never have. Dare I say, I'm even happy most of the time. I'm not the person that I was a year ago when I got the IUD, and that's a really good thing!
I don't love it. I don't hate it. The good parts make the not so good parts bearable. Getting it wasn't the an easy decision, but one year later I can honestly say it was the best decision for me, and I'm glad that I did it.
My periods are still pretty regular. They are significantly lighter and I no longer pass large clots. They don't scare me anymore and I've finally gained the confidence to not sit on towels and I no longer carry a change of clothes with me wherever I go when on my period. I also don't feel like I'm quite as prone to mood swings. It's not all rainbows and unicorns though. My periods are still 10-12 days long, just like they were before the IUD. There's not a ton of improvement in my cramps and I still have a lot of random spotting. One particularly unpleasant thing is that I almost always cramp after sex, and this never happened before I got it. It's not bad. I'm not doubled over or anything, it's just really annoying.
I'm not going to lie, I really hoped that my periods would go away altogether, but apparently I'm going to be one of a small percentage of women who still has a period with the IUD. Lucky me. I'd also hoped that my hot flashes would improve. No such luck there either.
On a more positive front, with the sliver of hope of getting pregnant eliminated, I really, truly began to heal. I knew a year before I got the IUD that we'd never have children, but I the mind is a tricky thing and you can't suddenly go from being aware from every single thing that your body does to not paying attention to any of it. The IUD allowed me to put that possibility completely out of my mind, and every single area of my life has improved since. My relationship with hubs has improved because timing isn't in the back of my mind. I'm starting to regain my confidence, so much of which I lost during infertility. I'm starting to think of the future in the context of what we have as opposed to what we'll never have. Dare I say, I'm even happy most of the time. I'm not the person that I was a year ago when I got the IUD, and that's a really good thing!
I don't love it. I don't hate it. The good parts make the not so good parts bearable. Getting it wasn't the an easy decision, but one year later I can honestly say it was the best decision for me, and I'm glad that I did it.
Wednesday, March 16, 2016
I got to meet my new nephew today
It just so happened that I had a work related meeting today about half way between where I live and where my sister lives (the sister that had the baby in February). I called my sister and asked if she wanted to meet for lunch. She gladly accepted the invite.
I was actually excited to meet the baby, and he's just a lovely baby. Very mellow. Calm. Observant. Content. Very unlike my nieces or other nephew who were all very high maintenance as babies.
My sister was ok. I did suggest that she might benefit from talking to someone or going to a support group. She seems to be struggling with wrapping her head around that this might be her only child. That she might only get to be pregnant once. The person who is never going to be pregnant, ever, not even a little bit, really isn't the person to talk to about these things. But then again all of our other sisters had kids easily, our mom had kids easily, all of her friends had kids easily, etc. So I think she views me as someone who might understand a bit more than others and as someone safe to talk to about it. I get that. But I'm not a good person for those types of conversations. So I suggested that she talk to someone better able to help her work through those feelings. On some level I think she got it.
Now that all of the pregnancies are (finally) over, it's starting to hit me that I am forever going to be the only sister who doesn't have a child. It feels lonely. And sad. I thought that the hardest part would be the pregnancies. The next trip to my hometown will be interesting. I suspect I will feel like a fish out of water. But I'll deal with that when it comes.
I was actually excited to meet the baby, and he's just a lovely baby. Very mellow. Calm. Observant. Content. Very unlike my nieces or other nephew who were all very high maintenance as babies.
My sister was ok. I did suggest that she might benefit from talking to someone or going to a support group. She seems to be struggling with wrapping her head around that this might be her only child. That she might only get to be pregnant once. The person who is never going to be pregnant, ever, not even a little bit, really isn't the person to talk to about these things. But then again all of our other sisters had kids easily, our mom had kids easily, all of her friends had kids easily, etc. So I think she views me as someone who might understand a bit more than others and as someone safe to talk to about it. I get that. But I'm not a good person for those types of conversations. So I suggested that she talk to someone better able to help her work through those feelings. On some level I think she got it.
Now that all of the pregnancies are (finally) over, it's starting to hit me that I am forever going to be the only sister who doesn't have a child. It feels lonely. And sad. I thought that the hardest part would be the pregnancies. The next trip to my hometown will be interesting. I suspect I will feel like a fish out of water. But I'll deal with that when it comes.
Thursday, March 10, 2016
Infertility and buying a house are actually quite similar
Hubs and I are house hunting. We've saved and sacrificed for a long time to be able to do it. We're long time renters, mainly as a function of moving so much throughout the course of our relationship (we've lived five places in three states in nine years), but we're finally to the point where we're ready. If nothing else, I'm ready to paint walls a color of my own choosing. We're not in a hurry to buy. We want to find the right house and make a smart investment. We have a great landlord and are in a ideal renting situation because we've been her for so long that we're on a month to month contract. So it really doesn't matter if we find a house in six days or six months.
I was naive enough to believe that it would be like it is on TV. I thought we'd see three houses, pick one, move in, and everything would be smooth sailing. But it's been far from smooth sailing.
To start we're at a very competitive price point. Nice houses in places where we'd actually like to live go really fast. Like the listing goes live and the house is under contract in 48 hours fast. Also complicating things, our availability to go to showings is a bit limited since I teach one night a week and hubs has class two nights a week, though thankfully his last week of class is next week, so availability will improve soon.
After going to see about 10 houses, we found a house that we liked and after several days of tense negotiation we agreed on a price with the seller and were officially under contract. It wasn't our dream house (that will never be found at our price point), but it was a nice home. Cute. Plenty of space without being too much. A huge, flat yard (a novelty in western Pennsylvania, both the size and being flat). An amazing neighborhood. It checked off all of the boxes on our must have list. We booked the inspection and that's when it all began to fall apart. Long story short, the inspector found some pretty major issues, the seller wasn't willing to fix the issues, and we walked away. We made the smart decision. It sucked. But had we proceeded with the contract we would have gotten ourselves in over our heads. We're really glad that we had the inspection contingency in our contract.
I was woefully unprepared for the emotions that came with losing the house. Not the house itself, the logical, rational part of my brain knows that there are other houses and that eventually we'll find our house, but I was unprepared for how hard it hit me. It honestly felt like infertility all over again. Being put through the ringer only to be disappointed. Needing to make big decisions with a really fast turn around. Money. Stepping outside of my comfort zone. Pressure from all sides. Arguments with hubs. All of it felt so familiar, but not in a good way.
The day we officially terminated the contract, Sunday, I had a big ugly cry. In that moment I felt like such a failure. All I could see was everything that hasn't gone my way in the past few years. I lamented that if I couldn't have babies I should at least be able to buy a house easily. I was not nice to myself. I haven't had a breakdown like that in quite some time.
Even though I know that walking away was the best decision for us, it hurt. I guess that sometimes the head and the heart don't always communicate. I'm actually glad that we lost the house. Hindsight is 20/20. We learned a lot from the experience and we know so much more than we did a couple of weeks ago. This will benefit us going forward.
I'm better now. We've seen a few more houses and we're going to see a few more over the weekend. Nothing has felt like home yet but we're confident that we'll find something. Eventually. Hubs and I don't do anything the easy way and nothing ever goes according to plans. Why would this be any different? Hell, our real estate agent left today to go to Italy for two weeks, so I'm sure we'll find a house while he's gone and have to bother him to write a contract while he's on vacation. Because that's how our life works.
I was naive enough to believe that it would be like it is on TV. I thought we'd see three houses, pick one, move in, and everything would be smooth sailing. But it's been far from smooth sailing.
To start we're at a very competitive price point. Nice houses in places where we'd actually like to live go really fast. Like the listing goes live and the house is under contract in 48 hours fast. Also complicating things, our availability to go to showings is a bit limited since I teach one night a week and hubs has class two nights a week, though thankfully his last week of class is next week, so availability will improve soon.
After going to see about 10 houses, we found a house that we liked and after several days of tense negotiation we agreed on a price with the seller and were officially under contract. It wasn't our dream house (that will never be found at our price point), but it was a nice home. Cute. Plenty of space without being too much. A huge, flat yard (a novelty in western Pennsylvania, both the size and being flat). An amazing neighborhood. It checked off all of the boxes on our must have list. We booked the inspection and that's when it all began to fall apart. Long story short, the inspector found some pretty major issues, the seller wasn't willing to fix the issues, and we walked away. We made the smart decision. It sucked. But had we proceeded with the contract we would have gotten ourselves in over our heads. We're really glad that we had the inspection contingency in our contract.
I was woefully unprepared for the emotions that came with losing the house. Not the house itself, the logical, rational part of my brain knows that there are other houses and that eventually we'll find our house, but I was unprepared for how hard it hit me. It honestly felt like infertility all over again. Being put through the ringer only to be disappointed. Needing to make big decisions with a really fast turn around. Money. Stepping outside of my comfort zone. Pressure from all sides. Arguments with hubs. All of it felt so familiar, but not in a good way.
The day we officially terminated the contract, Sunday, I had a big ugly cry. In that moment I felt like such a failure. All I could see was everything that hasn't gone my way in the past few years. I lamented that if I couldn't have babies I should at least be able to buy a house easily. I was not nice to myself. I haven't had a breakdown like that in quite some time.
Even though I know that walking away was the best decision for us, it hurt. I guess that sometimes the head and the heart don't always communicate. I'm actually glad that we lost the house. Hindsight is 20/20. We learned a lot from the experience and we know so much more than we did a couple of weeks ago. This will benefit us going forward.
I'm better now. We've seen a few more houses and we're going to see a few more over the weekend. Nothing has felt like home yet but we're confident that we'll find something. Eventually. Hubs and I don't do anything the easy way and nothing ever goes according to plans. Why would this be any different? Hell, our real estate agent left today to go to Italy for two weeks, so I'm sure we'll find a house while he's gone and have to bother him to write a contract while he's on vacation. Because that's how our life works.
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