It just so happened that I had a work related meeting today about half way between where I live and where my sister lives (the sister that had the baby in February). I called my sister and asked if she wanted to meet for lunch. She gladly accepted the invite.
I was actually excited to meet the baby, and he's just a lovely baby. Very mellow. Calm. Observant. Content. Very unlike my nieces or other nephew who were all very high maintenance as babies.
My sister was ok. I did suggest that she might benefit from talking to someone or going to a support group. She seems to be struggling with wrapping her head around that this might be her only child. That she might only get to be pregnant once. The person who is never going to be pregnant, ever, not even a little bit, really isn't the person to talk to about these things. But then again all of our other sisters had kids easily, our mom had kids easily, all of her friends had kids easily, etc. So I think she views me as someone who might understand a bit more than others and as someone safe to talk to about it. I get that. But I'm not a good person for those types of conversations. So I suggested that she talk to someone better able to help her work through those feelings. On some level I think she got it.
Now that all of the pregnancies are (finally) over, it's starting to hit me that I am forever going to be the only sister who doesn't have a child. It feels lonely. And sad. I thought that the hardest part would be the pregnancies. The next trip to my hometown will be interesting. I suspect I will feel like a fish out of water. But I'll deal with that when it comes.
Sending hugs. I'm glad you were able to do this on your timing. Unfortunately, it wasn't great timing for your sister to decide to speak to you about her concerns. One day you might be able to have those conversations, but not right now. That's understandable.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, it can be lonely being the only sister who doesn't have a child. I'm lucky I think, in that my elder sister's children are now adults, and my younger sister's daughter is only seven. It's a different relationship.
More hugs.
Thanks for the hugs, Mali. It's a weird place....I understand her need to talk about her feelings (and I'm really glad that she wants to talk about them), I'm just not a good person for that, at least not right now.
DeleteIt's funny, my oldest nephew and my husband's niece and nephew don't bother me at all, because all of them were born before or right after hubs and I started dating and kids weren't even on our radar. The rest I look at wistfully sometimes, knowing that I could have kids their ages.
Sending you hugs from across the Atlantic!
ReplyDeleteI know - you definetly aren't the person to talk about concerns connected that this might be her only child.
A fish out of water is a great expression. You see, I was living all my childhood in a house with 4 kids (me, my brother, my 2 cousins). I was the oldest one. Now I am the only one without children.
Very often they organize get togethers - so the children can play together. I am never invited. It is not that I really want to come. But it still hurts to be left out. Again and again.
I am very lucky to have you. And Mali. And Pamela. And few others.
Thanks for the hugs! I figured that the fish out of water feeling was common in this community (though I hate that we all feel this way).
DeleteI'm so lucky to have you, too (and all the others you mentioned)!
Gosh, what a difficult conversation. I think she was looking for her older sister to help her (as per your usual ‘oldest sister support’ I gathered from reading your earlier blog posts), unfortunately in this situation it hits way too close to the bone. Good idea about suggesting the support group.
ReplyDeleteOh my friend, the pregnancies are just the start of long, long road; there’s always some special moment coming along that we’ll never get to experience first-hand. And there were many times that ‘left out feeling’ occurred but believe me, it does get better.
(and... any excuse for a drink...it’s St Paddy’s Day here today so a drink with friends at lunch has helped me to celebrate my Irish ancestry ; )
I think you nailed it....I'm the fixer of the family. The one who's always strong but levelheaded, regardless of the situation. But it does hit too close. It's not appropriate to lament to someone who can't have kids that you're sad that this might have been the only time you get to be pregnant.
DeleteNot that I need an excuse for a glass of wine, but I think that St. Paddy's day is a great one! :)
First off, I really commend you for meeting your nephew on your terms and also for setting boundaries. That's so important and I'm glad you're doing self-care. Bravo for this.
ReplyDeleteI agree with all above and you about your sister needing to find another source of support. You're not the person who can do this for her. I'm wondering if she's open to the online community for support? Either through blogging or Twitter? You could help introduce her and then let her loss, protecting yourself and your blog in the process.
I hadn't previously considered this to be self-care, but I think that you are right. It was nice to do it on my terms, and since I was technically working, I had an easy out if I needed it.
DeleteI suggested an online community option to her and she seemed open to it. I hope she figures something out. I really want her to work through these feelings, I think it's healthy for her to talk about them, and I'm sure she's not the only who's ever experienced this, but I just can't be her rock right now.
I read your blog about 8 months ago when I found out my best friend was pregnant. It was very satisfying at that time to read the feelings of someone who really seemed to "Get it". So I totally get why your sister would want to talk to you about what she is dealing with, and I see of course why you can't be that person. Now that my friend has had her baby, and literally every single one of my friends will have a baby within the next few months, even though I had been feeling "better" while they were pregnant, now that the first kid is here, I feel like, shit my life is changing through no fault of my own. There isn't a great online community for people that aren't doing the treatments, but your blog really nails all the feelings, and for me the timing of what you are going through and what I am dealing with lining up has been so helpful. Sometimes I try to talk to my husband, but even though he intellectually knows what I'm saying, his responses indicate he just doesn't understand. So thank you for blogging your experience, knowing that others can feel almost exactly the same makes this experience less frustrating.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you found my blog and it makes me happy that you're getting a lot out of it. It's so tough when everybody around you seems to be having kids while you just can't. It is so validating to find "your people"...I remember when I found this community....it was like they knew everything I was feeling. Writing has been so healing for me.
DeleteAnd I so totally get you about men not really getting it.
I am glad you finally got to meet your nephew, at a time & place of your choosing -- and that you were able to direct your sister to the support you don't feel able to give her. Sounds like you hit a good balance all round! ((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteThanks for the hugs! It really was about the best case scenario and I'm glad that it worked out the way it did.
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