My sister is pregnant. If you'll recall, she couldn't bother to tell me herself so I found out from my mom.
The elephant in the room was still present until earlier this month. The same sister who couldn't bother to tell me herself that she is pregnant managed to publicly announce on social media.
I was pissed and I was hurt.
I sent her a text. It wasn't accusatory or anything like that, but it was very direct and expressed my hurt that she could announce it publicly but couldn't send me a courtesy text.
Some time passed, though not as long as I expected, and she responded. She didn't know how to tell me. She didn't want to hurt me. Blah blah blah.
Translation: My infertility makes her uncomfortable. And she is selfish.
And when called out on it, she makes it about how she feels.
I just want to scream that it's not just about her and that I shouldn't have to ignore my feelings because of her.
*****
I'll see her for the first time since (not) telling me about her pregnancy over the weekend. She's excited. I'm indifferent. I'm still miffed about her non-apology. It'll be interesting, that's for sure.
Does it help I’m still pissed off about this situation too? Seriously, all of this was handled beyond poorly. And the fact that she’s excited to have you visit means she really can’t see how much she hurt you.
ReplyDeleteGive yourself an out. Also, I think your nephew has earned a toy that requires batteries. Sing-along books come to mind.
Sing along books would be quite nice for the car, wouldn’t they?!
DeleteShe definitely can’t see how much she hurt me. Either that or she doesn’t care.
I know, it is hard.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that I have learnt as the years are passing by is that also for the people who love us, it is difficult - they don't know how to handle our sadness, our grief, our anger. Most of people just leave us.
So I am very happy that your sister is not leaving you, and it is difficult for both of you.
The most difficult years of my infertility was when all my nieces and nephews were born (now they are from 3 to 10). Now - that everybody (except me) got the number of children they wish for - no more new arrivals are predicted. It sounds selfish, but it is so much easier for me.
(a note: when the children are there - I just love them, it is pregnancies and infants that hurt me).
wishing you all the best.
sending a warm hug accross the Atlantic.
Thanks, Klara! Pregnancies are hard for me too. Though I don’t think it’s asking too much for her to be a little bit mindful of my feelings.
DeleteArgh, how annoying and hurtful. I hate when people are like, "but I didn't want to hurt you" when they can't see that by pretending it's not happening and excluding you is actually more hurtful, and makes it seem like you're broken eggshells in the making. I have a hard time with the people who say "I didn't know what to say to you" or claim obliviousness, because it is selfish, and it speaks to a complete lack of empathy. You shouldn't have to hide your feelings. And I agree with Cristy, you should have an out at the ready so you can exit the situation if it's just too awful. And hilarious with the battery toys. Something repetitive and shrieky would be awesome.
ReplyDeleteExactly! Avoiding the elephant in the room doesn’t mean it’s going to go away! And my feelings are just as important as hers.
DeleteGahhh. So annoying!! And angering. And, yes, very selfish on her part.
ReplyDeleteMy husband gets mad when friends call to tell me they're pregnant because I inevitably cry when I get off of the phone with them. But my tears these days are more about losing another friendship than they are about being sad for myself (although that is still there too). I tell him that I'd rather hear it from them via phone or text before I read about it elsewhere or hear from a mutual friend. I know the phone calls aren't completely easy for my friends either.
But dang, your sister is being so selfish. Do you have to see her this weekend? Do you WANT to? I always say that we don't have to do anything we don't want to. I am now doing things I never thought possible- things like recreating how I spend my holidays and with whom I spend my valuable, limited free time.
I am sorry your family sounds so much like mine. Simply put, it just sucks.
Thinking of you <3 <3 <3
It would be my preference to get a simple text. That way I can feel whatever I need to feel without having to fake excitement on a phone call. But yeah, I’d rather hear it from the person then second or third hand.
DeleteUnfortunately whether or not I wanted to see her wasn’t part of the equation. The nature of my family is that everyone has to be included. Ugh.
This is not only selfishness. It is also cowardice, in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you this weekend <3!
You are so right, Elaine!
DeleteUgh... Well, it's the weekend, so I hope things are going well...! I like Cristy's idea about a new toy for your nephew. ;) If you need any ideas, my cousin's toddler grandson got a new miniature drumset... his mom posted a video of him bashing it with glee. ;) Looks like fun...!
ReplyDeleteI’ll have to keep a drum set in mind for his birthday in February! It would be especially good timing since (as long as all goes well) he will have a baby brother or sister by his birthday. ;)
DeleteThe response to "but I didn't want to hurt you" = "but that's exactly what you did." Sheesh. I am so sorry.
ReplyDeleteSo often, it's all about them. Read Cristie's latest post. It might help. Sending hugs.
PS. Drums. (Dammit, I have just seen that Loribeth beat me to it!)
Hurt me is exactly what she did! Just rip thr bandaid off and tell me, I’m a grown woman and I can handle it. And I’m loving the drums suggestion.
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