About two months ago I picked up my new glasses. There isn't anything special about them, though they do a nice job of correcting my astigmatism that gets worse every couple of years, which was the catalyst for getting this pair.
The last time I got new glasses was in the midst of infertility. I had my eye appointment to get that prescription literally two hours after our first appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist. I didn't love the glasses I picked out, but they were good enough (and about $400 cheaper than the pair that I liked). I went to pick them up after my first round of testing. We all know how my brief foray into reproductive endocrinology went. Anyway, for whatever reason, I always associated those stupid glasses with learning we'd never have children.
It's nice to not have a piece of hardware on my face that doesn't hold any hard memories!
Within a few days of getting my new glasses, I also got a new computer, which gave me the occasion to transfer all of my photos.
Naturally, as I was transferring everything over, I took the opportunity to look through the past twelve years or so of my life in photos. There were happy times, like when hubs' and I started dating when our dog was a puppy, and when we got married. And then there were the infertility years.
The. Infertility. Years.
I looked dead. I swear you could see the brokenness in my eyes. I was hurting. I wouldn't have admitted it at the time but I was forcing the appearance of happiness.
There weren't many photos back then. I largely stayed away from the camera. I remember most of the events, but more as something to get through rather than something that I enjoyed. The Christmases and Thanksgivings and random family events.
It brought back all of the feelings. For a little while, I was back to the broken woman whose dreams of having children had just evaporated into thin air. Photographic evidence of how hard it was.
But then I looked at more recent photos. My faked happiness turned into less faked happiness which turned into genuine happiness.
At some point, I made the decision that I didn't want to feel like shit anymore. That it wasn't doing me any good to fake being happy. So I began to work through my grief. That was the turning point.
What is it they say? That nothing that comes easy is worth having? My god, it was (is) so hard. But so worth it.
I'm a different woman today then I was in 2014. I'm not the person I used to be. Not better or worse, just different. More resilient.
And I'm glad. Like Mali said, choosing to survive is empowering.