For the first time in a long time, it felt like tears were just below the surface, and I cried more than I have in a long time. I had to draw on my emotional reserves just to be a normally functioning adult.
We endured family pictures. On many levels they weren't as hard as expected, but they were still hard and led to a lot of angst and drama beforehand.
All of the presidential election bullshit.
A random trip to a big box store that left me crying in the paint aisle. I haven't cried like this in a public place for a long time.
Halloween. Even though I had to work during trick-or-treating festivities in my neighborhood, I still wasn't complete immune to all of the hard, thanks to social media.
An insanely busy work schedule that required making some hard decisions that don't come naturally to me.
October is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I think it is so awesome that there is an entire month devoted to recognizing these losses and and raising awareness. But this month also brings up some complicated feelings for me. For reasons I can't fully explain and will probably butcher an explanation of, this month always leaves me feeling like an impostor. Because I was never pregnant, because we chose not to do IVF, we never got a physical embodiment of what could have been. We have nothing to mourn or recognize. We only lost an idea, and some days that seems like nothing. But it feels like something to me, a huge something. Yet I feel like I don't have the right to mourn and remember alongside those who lost an actual something. It's complicated. I honestly think my inner struggle about this was the root of my rough month.
A random trip to a big box store that left me crying in the paint aisle. I haven't cried like this in a public place for a long time.
Halloween. Even though I had to work during trick-or-treating festivities in my neighborhood, I still wasn't complete immune to all of the hard, thanks to social media.
An insanely busy work schedule that required making some hard decisions that don't come naturally to me.
October is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I think it is so awesome that there is an entire month devoted to recognizing these losses and and raising awareness. But this month also brings up some complicated feelings for me. For reasons I can't fully explain and will probably butcher an explanation of, this month always leaves me feeling like an impostor. Because I was never pregnant, because we chose not to do IVF, we never got a physical embodiment of what could have been. We have nothing to mourn or recognize. We only lost an idea, and some days that seems like nothing. But it feels like something to me, a huge something. Yet I feel like I don't have the right to mourn and remember alongside those who lost an actual something. It's complicated. I honestly think my inner struggle about this was the root of my rough month.
I also think I'm more anxious about my laparoscopy than I thought I was. Which wasn't made any easier by my mom reminding me that her offer to pay for IVF still stands, and needing to shut her down. I had my pre-op appointment yesterday, got my required blood work, and paid my surgery prepayment fee. Everything is set to go for November 18th (which is actually a few days earlier then it was previously scheduled thanks to someone double booking the operating room).
It wasn't all bad (actually some parts of the month were really good), it's just that the hard parts were really hard. Two years ago having an entire month where I felt down wasn't uncommon. Having a breakdown in the middle of a store wasn't that uncommon. It's just been so long since I've had a down phase that lasted more than a day or two that it caught me completely off guard.
But that's the thing. Grief isn't linear and sometimes feelings don't make sense. I'm trying really hard to be nice to myself and survive this phase. The good news is that I am bouncing back faster then I would have a couple of years ago, and that's a good thing.
It wasn't all bad (actually some parts of the month were really good), it's just that the hard parts were really hard. Two years ago having an entire month where I felt down wasn't uncommon. Having a breakdown in the middle of a store wasn't that uncommon. It's just been so long since I've had a down phase that lasted more than a day or two that it caught me completely off guard.
But that's the thing. Grief isn't linear and sometimes feelings don't make sense. I'm trying really hard to be nice to myself and survive this phase. The good news is that I am bouncing back faster then I would have a couple of years ago, and that's a good thing.
Dear BnB, I am sorry to read that October was such a hard month for you. Sending hugs across the Atlantic <3! There are so many things that you had to deal with...
ReplyDeletePregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month: I have similar reactions. We never lost a "tangible thing" (please excuse my inability to find a better word) either since I never got pregnant in the first place. I do know that I have a right to mourn though, but it's only thanks to you and the other wonderful ladies from the blogosphere. It is a "huge nothing" that we have to live with!
I am sorry that your mum is pushing this way. It must cost you so much energy to keep defending your decisions... As to the pre-op appointment, I don't know if this will help, but for me that was the worst part. It really scared me and I didn't feel good after it. The surgery itself was much easier than expected to get through. I'll be thinking of you on November 18 for sure. And I'm glad you're bouncing back ;-).
Thanks, Elaine! I've never been able to come up with a better word either. Thanks for sharing your experience and for the well wishes for surgery!
DeleteBnB you haven't butchered the explanation; you've described disenfranchised grief pretty succinctly and I think lots of people who read this will understand 100%. It might feel shadowy and strange but it is just as profound as a tangible loss.
ReplyDeleteI very nearly didn't do the one IVF that I did, because I had a feeling that it wouldn't work. But I thought that if I didn't do it I would always wonder. In fact, it failed dramatically. So I often wish I had just stuck to my guns and not done it. We didn't get any embryos that survived or were worth transferring, we didn't even get to do more than two and a half weeks of the cycle. But I never see the point in telling people that I did this half-IVF, because I feel that they would say "Well, why didn't you do another one?". It must be frustrating to deal with your mum's suggestions. The truth is, absolutely no one understands any of this realm apart from people who have been involved in infertility themselves. A (mother) friend of mine who is incredibly clued up about birth etc thought that the average IVF success rate was 70%. I knew the general population was clueless, but after hearing that I have given up on trying to explain how futile fertility treatment can be... But back to your words about not having the right to mourn. It's really harsh out there and everyone has a subjective opinion on women and infertility. Most people only sympathise if someone has died and there is an unfortunate general disdain about the inability to have children. I don't know how and when this will ever change. I agree with Elaine about the blogosphere: I think it's currently the only real hope for a like-minded community that we have - sadly. There are loads of women (and men) who will understand exactly what you're saying and who feel the same - just a shame that we can't find this in 'real life'. I hope November is better for you. Hugs
This is definitely a safe place for me. I write about things that feel really horrible, only for other people to respond and say that they get it. I think I need to do some more research on disenfranchised grief to better understand this.
DeleteI know... it gets up and down. Sending you warm hugs.
ReplyDelete(I completely feel your thoughts regarding Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I feel sad for everybody who lost their children... but at the same time this awareness month makes people like you and me seem like even bigger loosers).
Thanks, Klara! I feel a little bit better just knowing that others get it.
DeleteI'm going to attempt to counter this idea you are an imposter. You aren't. Just because you didn't pursue IVF or have a confirmed positive pregnancy test does not mean you didn't lose something. You lost your children. You lost the family you planned for. Anyone who tells you that doesn't count is clueless about the reality of this very huge loss.
ReplyDeleteAnd IVF isn't a magical cure for infertility. Especially as failure rates are high. I'm so sorry your mom is still pushing instead of respecting your decision. You didn't come to it lightly and she needs to realize that.
Sending you so many hugs. The lows are maddening and painful. May the sunshine fund you soon
Thanks, Cristy!
DeleteI did lose so much, my losses just aren't understood by society. I should have added that this is the one place where I feel like nobody judges me for decisions that we made or didn't make.
The funniest thing about my mom offering to pay is that it never was about the money. I mean, of course we talked about the money part just like any other thing that costs so much money, but the medical diagnosis part was our deciding factor.
I also have complicated feelings about October being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. I'm glad it exists for the people it relates to, but it's another reminder that society does not recognize my grief. Even my own mother said to me recently, "Well, it's not like you lost anything." And I immediately corrected her by saying, "Yes I did. I lost my children." It feels like something to you, a huge something, because it IS something. It is a HUGE something. I'm glad to hear you're trying to be nice to yourself while you don't feel well. I am wishing you a very happy, good feeling November.
ReplyDeleteUgh! That was such a terrible thing for her to say!
DeleteThanks for understanding!
If someone unrelated said something like this to me (it happened once) I have a canned answer 'F&*&) U'. Sorry, but this is exactly what I say and it shocks and shuts them up for good (because I usually never use such vocabulary :) ). Mother is an entirely different thing and that's why it hurts so much :(
DeleteHhhm, sounds like your October pretty much reflects 2016 in a nutshell.
ReplyDeleteHow true, I’ve also felt like an imposter at times as we never got to the pregnancy stage either.
I just never expected to feel the magnitude of grief, and to have so very few people understand what we lost.
I’ll be thinking of you on the 18th. I always found the waiting more nerve wracking than the actual procedure (since I don’t remember any of it).
Yes, grief comes in waves and sometimes tsunamis that knock you down to your knees. I am so sorry you have to feel this, I wish it turned out different for you and your husband... If I could turn time back I think I would skip the IVF thing, the treatment changed me forever and now I'm working on putting pieces of my soul together and return to the happy balanced pre-IVF self, and it's not just about no baby in my hands.
ReplyDeleteI agree, pre-surgery hassle is worse than the surgery itself. They will give you tons of nice drugs :), everyone will be so sweet, and they will take wonderful care of you. Everything will go well!
ReplyDeleteOctober is the worst, Do you know what made you cry in the big box store paint aisle? I also found the halloween pictures difficult to endure, even though in a lot of ways I feel like I'm "resolved" seeing my two friends new babies in their matching Halloween costumes blew up my brain.
ReplyDeleteI think from my teen years I would have dreams about having babies, and names I picked out over different times, and imagining what they would look like. I don't think people can tell you any of that isn't a real loss especially as you grow older. There is a window and I think having that window shut much faster than expected is a serious loss.
Mom offering to pay for IVF: if it happens again, thank her and tell her you'll be sure to hit her up if you change your mind. You explained your mother last time a bit, and it does seem she wants to bait you a bit.
I told my MIL we did some treatments and they failed to avoid the baiting. It has worked well so far.
I agree with Cristy...you are not an imposter. You lost more than "only" an idea, you lost a whole future that was envisioned and never came to be. Not doing IVF isn't a failure -- like she said, it doesn't have as good success rates as media/marketing would have you believe, and its cost is far more than financial. I'm so sorry that your mom keeps telling you she'll pay for IVF, like that is the sole reason not to pursue that. It shows such a lack of respect for your decision and the life you lead now. I'm sorry October was so hard. Grief pops up unexpectedly when you think you are "done" (oh, never done), and it sounds like October was a minefield. I hope November treats you better. I hope your laparoscopy goes off without a hitch and you get the answers and relief you so deserve. Thinking of you!
ReplyDelete