Monday, July 11, 2016

In a funk

I'm in a funk.

I think I jinxed myself when I wrote about feeling really good and making a lot of progress.

I hesitated to even write about it.  I've been doing so well that it feels like failure to go through a hard phase.  I know it isn't failure at all and that it's completely normal.  I hate it.

I don't know why I'm in a funk.  We've had so much good happen recently.

Little things are bothering me.  Nothing big.

Watching the little neighbor boy learn how to ride his bike.

A friend from high school who is in no financial position for another child is unexpectedly pregnant again (though really how much of a "surprise" can pregnancy be when you aren't taking any preventative measures?).

A (formerly) close friend is solidly in her third trimester.  We're not on speaking terms anymore, but we both always thought we'd be pregnant together.  Yet there she is and here I am. I'm not really jealous, but I am angry at the universe that it didn't work out for me too.

My sister posted a picture on Facebook of our dad sitting on the couch with all of the grandkids.  He is smitten with the grandkids, especially with youngest nephew who shares his name, as he should be.  It's times like this that the differences between me and my sisters are painfully evident.  I feel like an outsider to my own family.

Then there is life stuff.

There is a lot of transition at work.  Two close colleagues left for different positions and another retired.  The colleague that retired was responsible for hiring me and has served as a professional mentor for the last four years.  Not having her steady guidance a few doors down the hallway is going to be quite the adjustment.  I'm going to miss her a lot, but she says she's just a phone call away if I need anything.

My dad is having heart surgery next week.  The way I understand it there is another blockage that requires another stent.  It's not nearly as urgent as last summer when he had a heart attack, but it's still a major surgery, he's a terrible patient, and my mom is worried sick (as I'm sure any of us would be if our partner was having heart surgery).  Also, just like last summer, I'm the only one of their children who managed to rearrange my schedule so that I can be at the hospital with our mom, despite the fact that I live in a different state.  Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I have the sort of job where I can rearrange my schedule on short notice to be there with my mom, it just bothers me that my sisters all have their heads so far up their asses that they can't manage to figure it out too.

Hubs and I also went through a bit of a rough patch.  Nothing major, just a little misunderstanding that caused some argument.  We worked our way through it and we're coming out on the other side stronger than we were before,  but the fact remains that relationships are hard sometimes and they require work to stay healthy.  While I won't say that I particularly enjoy soul searching or having long, serious conversations of this nature, I'm thankful that hubs and I work through these rough patches together rather than letting a bunch of little things pile up.  Our relationship isn't all rainbows and unicorns (is anybody's?), but the fact remains that we love each other and we are committed to doing the work required to keep our relationship healthy.

When I started this blog, one of my goals was to keep things real and to share both the good and the bad.  Now that I've written most of what's on my mind out, I feel a little bit better.  Hopefully soon I'll have kicked this funk to the curb and am back to a happier BnB. 


  1. It's hard to go from feeling like you're moving forward to back in a funk. I view it not as a set back, but as a process of healing. Still, I'm so sorry you're here. That there are so many reminders of what you desired, dreams that you had to say good-bye to and more scary territory. I'm also sorry that you feel like an outsider who is also making sacrifices. It truly sucks.

    For your family, is it possible to talk with your dad's doctor about getting some in-home help for your mom? I mention this because often people are clueless about the severity of recovering from medical procedures until the doctor tells them what needs to happen. Denial is a strong defense mechanism. Regardless, do what you can, but don't break yourself.

    Thinking of you and hoping you're feeling better soon.

    1. It is definitely part of the process. It sucks though!

      This is the same surgery that he had a year ago. Unfortunately they found this blockage at that time, but the artery wasn't blocked enough to put a stent in at that time (per insurance). Luckily he knows what the recovery is going to be like so I don't think that in home help will be required. Plus, one of my sisters (and her husband and kids) live in their basement so (gasp!) they might actually have to do something for a change.

  2. Also my father is completely smitten with the grandkids. I am happy for my father's happiness, but watching it I feel as an outsider in the family too.

    You didn't jinxed yourself. This is just the process of healing that includes ups and downs. As life itself as well.

    wishing you all the best.

    1. You are awesome! It's just hard to see your parents so happy and know that you'll never contribute to that happiness!

  3. Hi BnB
    Sorry to hear you're in a funk. I can relate to all of this. I feel out of sorts when I see any photos of grandkids at the moment, whoever they belong seems that after a certain age (50?), it's all that people think about and I am dreading my sister having them, she'll be a nightmare. I have aunts and uncles that I was close to who became grandparents and I literally have the phone put down on me if I call them - they have no interest now. Not to mention my dad & wife: I barely get emails from him and when his stepkids have kids, I'll be retiring from Facebook the same day.
    I hope your dad's surgery goes OK - it's not fair that you are the one to make the effort to be with your mom, but it's fairly typical behaviour from what I can see. Kids seem to give people a free pass to have a ready excuse for everything.
    You're probably feeling better today, hopefully it was just a Monday slump.. Take care

    1. Ugh! Sorry to hear that you feel out of sorts too!

      Grandkids are hard. I finally got so tired of my mom being constantly interrupted (by the grandkids) when I called her (keeping in mind that I live in a different state and only see my family a few times a year) that I told her that I didn't want to talk to her unless we could have at least 10 minutes of uninterrupted conversation. It went over like a lead balloon, but it has been better since that conversation.

  4. In the early years, I actually avoided a major family event or two because I knew I'd feel like an outsider in the family. (Ironically, one of those family events was the arrival of the boy sitting downstairs playing on the computer with my husband!) So I do understand how you feel. But I'm pleased to report that in recent family events - both happy and said - I've felt embraced by the family, rather than an outsider. It was a revelation!

    Good luck for your father's stent procedure. My 87 year old father-in-law had a stent inserted after his recent heart attack. He now has four - his first one about 15 years ago, if not earlier. My sister too had one a few years ago, after her own mid-50s heart attack. Stents are a wonderful thing! As heart surgeries go, stents are probably the ones you want, the benefits are seen quickly, and recovery is often smooth. So I hope this is the case for your father. I know though that it is scary, and I'll be thinking of you both.

    PS. Hugs for the funk.

    1. I honestly think that my outsider-ness is a me thing. They don't exclude me or rub anything in my face. In fact they do a pretty good trying to include me. But I still feel different.

      He got two (three?) stents last year, and they found this blockage at the time, but it wasn't significant enough to put a stent in at that time (per insurance regulations) so I'm just thankful that this time the blockage was found before he had another heart attack. Hopefully the recovery will go as well as last summer!

  5. It’s frustrating isn’t it? Just when you’re on a roll, and in a good place, those little taps on your shoulder turn up to remind you of what you don’t have.
    I’ve had a slow-moving ‘mood’ building over the last few weeks (helped along by the changing weather and an upcoming birthday, amongst other things), that little cloud of grey sitting just on the periphery… From experience, it’s still got a few more weeks to go before it boils over.… I know the signs, I don’t fight it, I just let it run its course, and hope that the next visit is a long way off.

    Sorry to hear about your dad’s health issues. Is this the ’oldest child’ syndrome popping up again. You know, where the siblings expect the eldest to take the lead in organising them or their schedule to attend to the parents?
    I had something similar occur with my dad during his illness years ago, to the point where I suggested a schedule of sorts so that the siblings were at least putting in their fair share of visits, if nothing else. Again, something similar happened with my mum, just minor issues, nothing major, but since I’ve stopped working I was expected to be available when needed, regardless of my own schedule.

    Here’s to hoping the coming days have you feeling more like your old self.

    1. Oh yeah, oldest child syndrome! On one hand I'm glad to be able to help when necessary, but on the other hand, it irks me that other don't make the effort too.

      I hope your mood is rolling right along too! The fog seems to be lifting quite well for me.

  6. Yes, you are definitely keeping it real, thank you for that! You are brave! And I am so sorry you are in a funk. It can be frustrating to be back to this after having felt better for a while.

    Wishing your dad all the best for his surgery! I really like gr8southlandgirl's idea of having a schedule for visits. Maybe this could be a way of sharing the responsibility?

    1. Definitely frustrating. But part of the process. I think we all go through it at some point.

  7. I hear you on the funk. It's all so non linear. The peer triggers you listed (the last 3 things after the bike riding viewing) are all so hard. Pregnancy/kid stuff with peers is my total achilles heel. And I'm sorry your sisters all have their heads so far up their asses - no doubt it's very dark up there.

    Best Wishes on your Dad's surgery. Since you'll be the only one at the hospital with your Mom, I also hope that your Mom is more sane in these situations than mine (think: very low bar). My Mom has amazing qualities, but I was with her during my Dad's heart surgery 4 years ago (he got 3 or 4 stints put in after a heart attack) and I almost killed her:-)

    1. Not linear at all. Usually I'm fine. Then all of a sudden something that hasn't bothered me the previous 10 times hits me really hard.

      Hopefully you won't be spending any time in the hospital with your mom in the near future, and hopefully mine will be as painless as possible. :)