In a funk

I'm in a funk.

I think I jinxed myself when I wrote about feeling really good and making a lot of progress.

I hesitated to even write about it.  I've been doing so well that it feels like failure to go through a hard phase.  I know it isn't failure at all and that it's completely normal.  I hate it.

I don't know why I'm in a funk.  We've had so much good happen recently.

Little things are bothering me.  Nothing big.

Watching the little neighbor boy learn how to ride his bike.

A friend from high school who is in no financial position for another child is unexpectedly pregnant again (though really how much of a "surprise" can pregnancy be when you aren't taking any preventative measures?).

A (formerly) close friend is solidly in her third trimester.  We're not on speaking terms anymore, but we both always thought we'd be pregnant together.  Yet there she is and here I am. I'm not really jealous, but I am angry at the universe that it didn't work out for me too.

My sister posted a picture on Facebook of our dad sitting on the couch with all of the grandkids.  He is smitten with the grandkids, especially with youngest nephew who shares his name, as he should be.  It's times like this that the differences between me and my sisters are painfully evident.  I feel like an outsider to my own family.

Then there is life stuff.

There is a lot of transition at work.  Two close colleagues left for different positions and another retired.  The colleague that retired was responsible for hiring me and has served as a professional mentor for the last four years.  Not having her steady guidance a few doors down the hallway is going to be quite the adjustment.  I'm going to miss her a lot, but she says she's just a phone call away if I need anything.

My dad is having heart surgery next week.  The way I understand it there is another blockage that requires another stent.  It's not nearly as urgent as last summer when he had a heart attack, but it's still a major surgery, he's a terrible patient, and my mom is worried sick (as I'm sure any of us would be if our partner was having heart surgery).  Also, just like last summer, I'm the only one of their children who managed to rearrange my schedule so that I can be at the hospital with our mom, despite the fact that I live in a different state.  Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I have the sort of job where I can rearrange my schedule on short notice to be there with my mom, it just bothers me that my sisters all have their heads so far up their asses that they can't manage to figure it out too.

Hubs and I also went through a bit of a rough patch.  Nothing major, just a little misunderstanding that caused some argument.  We worked our way through it and we're coming out on the other side stronger than we were before,  but the fact remains that relationships are hard sometimes and they require work to stay healthy.  While I won't say that I particularly enjoy soul searching or having long, serious conversations of this nature, I'm thankful that hubs and I work through these rough patches together rather than letting a bunch of little things pile up.  Our relationship isn't all rainbows and unicorns (is anybody's?), but the fact remains that we love each other and we are committed to doing the work required to keep our relationship healthy.

When I started this blog, one of my goals was to keep things real and to share both the good and the bad.  Now that I've written most of what's on my mind out, I feel a little bit better.  Hopefully soon I'll have kicked this funk to the curb and am back to a happier BnB.