Earlier today I was looking for an old file on my computer when I came across a completely unrelated document titled "names.docx." Curious about what it was I opened it up and then realized in approximately a second exactly what it was. Years ago, back in the early days of TTC when we assumed I'd get pregnant easily, we sat down and came up with a list of baby names that we both liked. The "names.docx" document was our list.
I wasn't expecting to find this. Honestly I had forgotten all about it until I opened it up. It's hard to describe how it made me feel. Something less than a kick to the stomach but something more than an ouch. The list brought back all kinds of happy memories. When we sat down to come up with the list, we were some combination of giddy with excitement about starting our own family and and scared shitless of bringing our own tiny human into the world. Not surprisingly it brought up some really sad feelings too.
I dragged the file to the trash, immediately regretted it, and then dragged it back to the old folder it was in where it will remain indefinitely. I pulled it out and kept it because I realized that the silly list of names is the closest we ever got our own baby. So much love was put into that list. So much hope for the future. It wasn't for nothing. It wasn't a waste of time. It's ok to hold on to this memory. Those names were for our baby, our baby just never came to fruition.