Earlier today I was looking for an old file on my computer when I came across a completely unrelated document titled "names.docx." Curious about what it was I opened it up and then realized in approximately a second exactly what it was. Years ago, back in the early days of TTC when we assumed I'd get pregnant easily, we sat down and came up with a list of baby names that we both liked. The "names.docx" document was our list.
I wasn't expecting to find this. Honestly I had forgotten all about it until I opened it up. It's hard to describe how it made me feel. Something less than a kick to the stomach but something more than an ouch. The list brought back all kinds of happy memories. When we sat down to come up with the list, we were some combination of giddy with excitement about starting our own family and and scared shitless of bringing our own tiny human into the world. Not surprisingly it brought up some really sad feelings too.
I dragged the file to the trash, immediately regretted it, and then dragged it back to the old folder it was in where it will remain indefinitely. I pulled it out and kept it because I realized that the silly list of names is the closest we ever got our own baby. So much love was put into that list. So much hope for the future. It wasn't for nothing. It wasn't a waste of time. It's ok to hold on to this memory. Those names were for our baby, our baby just never came to fruition.
Sending you warm hugs...
ReplyDeleteThanks, Klara!
DeleteYeouch! (Is that more than an ouch?) Yes, I can imagine how that felt. But you know, I'm glad you kept the document. It IS okay to hold onto this memory, and to feel the love that you had for your future children. I remember the day that I realised I could remember those days (in my case, it was my lost pregnancies, the children I never had), and think of those future children with love - the love I felt at the time - rather than pain. I wish this for you in the future too.
ReplyDeleteYeouch is hereby added to the pain scale! I think it is perfect description.
DeleteI realize my growth in times like this. A few months ago I would have trashed it and beat myself up for ever even taking the time to do it. But yesterday I was able to recognize and acknowledge a little bit of happiness in the midst of the sadness. One day I will get to where you are. :)
*Hugs* I can imagine finding that would bring sadness but it's good you decided to keep it. I think your list of names is like the baby socks I purchased the other day. A representation of a time where there was hope and love and excitement and it's fine to want to hang on to that. It can be good and healing for the soul.
ReplyDeleteD and I had names worked out for ten years, two names if we had a boy and two names if we had a girl. Those names have never changed.
That's exactly it, a representation of hope, love, and excitement. I'm glad I pulled it out of my digital trash can too. I almost didn't write this post because I thought people would think it was silly that we picked out names before I was even pregnant, but it seems like it's a pretty common thing.
DeleteHugs to you too! We have to hang on to whatever little things we can.
Pulling that list out of the trash tells me there's some good healing going on over your way :) I had just such a list in the Notes section of my phone, and it survived many painful moments of failure and loss, until our most recent and most horrific tragedy, when it sort of smacked me in the face unexpectedly while I was too raw. Anyhow, I'm glad you could find that glimmer of nostalgia amidst all the complex feelings.
ReplyDeleteVery complex feelings and so much healing has taken place in the last year. I almost don't recognize the person I was a year ago because so much growth and healing has taken place. I still have a long way to go, but I'm confident I'll get there eventually.
DeleteI'm sorry your list smacked you in the face. Hugs!
I completely understand. I had a birth announcement drafted for our second child (after our stillborn daughter -- which included her name as a sibling, "remembered with love"). All it needed was the name (I actually HAD the names filled in, both boy & girl, one to be deleted) & date filled in. I did eventually delete it and sometimes I wish I hadn't. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteThat sounds like a sweet announcement! Thanks for sharing your regret about deleting your announcement. I'll make sure not to delete my list so I don't have the same regret as you. It's just so hard that we all have to go through this.
DeleteWe had not picked names, but I had bought two pregnancy sweaters. I had just assumed I would get pregnant, and I never did. Not even the tiniest bit.
ReplyDeleteUntil now, I have felt silly about buying these clothes, so I haven't told anyone. They are still down at the cellar. I actually do not know if I will keep them or if I will be able to give them away at some point.
Thank you so much for writing about this. It makes me feel less stupid.
Elaine
Elaine,
DeleteThank you for sharing here! I don't think it's silly that you bought sweaters, it was a matter of practicality. You bought them so you would be prepared when you got pregnant. You just never got pregnant. I bought a crib for the same exact reason, and and I also never was able to get pregnant. It's still taking up space in a spare closet because I can't bear the thought of giving it away or selling it (because if my baby can't sleep in it I don't want somebody else's baby to sleep in it either). But then I think about how silly that sounds.