Friday, May 1, 2015

Still in the trenches (but I'll see the sunlight eventually)

This week has been tough.  Really tough.  I don't know why.  Nothing has happened to upset me.... I just feel like the pain, the grief, threatened to crush me this week.  I've kind of shut myself off from the world and buried myself in my work.  I'm forcing myself out of the funk because I know it's not good to dwell in the dark place for too long.

Feeling down, I logged on to Blogger yesterday and read Mali's latest post, A snapshot in time.  It told me exactly what I needed to hear in that moment, that things will get better.  I know I receive this reminder regularly from multiple different people, but I guess I still need it.  Like riding a bike with the support of training wheels.  Eventually I won't need the training wheels anymore.  But right now I do, and that's ok.  It's no secret that I'm in the trenches right now and dark periods are normal and to be expected.  I even experience a vacation from the trenches every so often where I can bask in the sun, but not all the time.  Not yet anyway.  Things will get better and someday I'll be able to climb out of the trenches and into the sunlight all the time.  Thanks for being a M.o.M., Mali!


I had my IUD follow-up appointment earlier this week.  She was a little concerned that I'm still bleeding (which is longer than she usually sees but still not outside of the manufacturer's published range of possibility) and apparently what I consider light bleeding isn't actually light (for normal people) after all.  Anyway I'm now the proud owner of a progesterone prescription that will hopefully make it stop.  Let's all keep our fingers crossed that a) it stops, b) I don't gain a million pounds, and c) that I don't lose my libido.  The plan is to address the bleeding first and then deal with the hot flashes once that's under control.

I was also prescribed a sleeping pill.  It was hard for me to admit that I needed something to help me sleep, but I do.  I've taken the pill for three nights now and I feel rested and have a mental clarity that doesn't often visit me.


I downloaded Finally Heard: A Silent Sorority Finds Its Voice by Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos this morning (available for purchase on your Kindle or Kindle app here) and plan to read it tonight!  I have 23 final papers to grade standing in between me and the book (and a big glass of wine) so naturally I'm writing a blog post instead of grading those.  :)


  1. Priorities come first:
    - glass of wine
    - blogging
    - reading Pamela's great new book
    - work.
    Clever girl! We live only once, after all :)

    Yes, I love Mali's blog. And so many times I read there exactly what I need to hear. Yes, thank you Mali, for being our M.O.M.

    enjoy your evening. Mine is perfect. My Wolfie is helping me type these lines. He is so extra cute!!

    enjoy the weekend.

    1. You are too funny! Indeed, we only live once. We may as well enjoy it to the fullest! :)

      Give Wolfie an ear scratch for me!

  2. Did someone say wine????

    Grief often doesn't give me a why either. And the trenches - quite the slog, aren't they? It's a brave place to be. A lot of people try to skip them only to be bitten from behind later. Allowing yourself to marinate in that dark place is an act of self love (and the less I resist it, the more easily it moves when it's ready). Although it can sometimes feel like self imposed torture, alas.....

    Which somehow brings me back to the topic of wine. So strange.

    I'll be holding a thought for you, my fellow trencher:-)

    1. It's interesting to me that when I can identify the source of my downward spiral it seems easier for me to process. But when the downward spiral's cause is not identifiable it seems to hit harder and last longer. Grief as an act of self love is something I have not considered, but it makes sense. It's hard to confront it though.

      Oh, and the wine was Merlot, if you were curious. :)

  3. Thank you so much for the kind words. I'm so pleased that my post came at the right time. And I am so pleased too that you're not beating yourself up for the dark times, but accepting those in the same way you're accepting that you will get out in the sun.

    Wine always helps! Well said, Klara. I suspect that on-going issues with bleeding, hormones and hot flushes, and broken or lack of sleep have contributed to your rough times recently. It may not seem like much, but it builds up in our subconscious, and then overflows. I hope you find some equilibrium again soon. Hugs.

    1. I think you're right...not one big thing but a bunch of little things all piled up to the point where it was just too much.

      Your words mean a lot to me on a regular basis (I even have several older posts bookmarked). This one was just particularly well timed! :)

  4. I love the optimism in your headline (& in the post), that even if it's been a rough week, you have faith it will get better... eventually. And of course, wine always helps. ;) Hope this week is proving to be better!