My sister is due to have her baby any day now. She's not actually due until early June but her doctor seems to think it's highly unlikely that she will make it to her due date. I haven't written much about it recently because honestly I really haven't thought much about it. Living away from your family has its advantages... Anyway, it hit me last night that her due date was rapidly approaching and that if she follows the pattern from her other two daughters by delivering 2-3 weeks early it could be any day.
Perhaps unsurprisingly this sent me down the path where I spent most of today thinking about all the things I'll never get to experience. Like picking out a baby's name. Or decorating a nursery. Or holding my child. Or telling my husband that I'm pregnant. Cue an ugly cry. Next came the self-depreciating phase of the ugly cry where I cursed my broken body. I hate that something so good and happy (for other people) can reduce me to a mess of tears. I hate that this whole grief thing seems like three steps forward and two steps back. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
To give myself a little bit of credit, I'm actually handling this better than when I found out she was pregnant. Or when I found out my other sister was pregnant. Or when my niece was born in February. So that's good. Hopefully I my down in the dumps phase has passed and I'll be able to handle the birth relatively well. If I don't handle it well, I don't have to go meet my newest niece until I'm ready.
When I initially found out she was pregnant and heard her due date, I had everything crossed that she didn't have the baby on hubs' birthday, our anniversary, or my birthday, all of which were very realistic possibilities. Hubs' birthday and our anniversary have already passed and it seems unlikely that she'll make it to my birthday. I'm so happy that we won't have to share any of our days!