A few years ago, back when I thought I would/could actually get pregnant, I bought a crib. It can be categorized as an impulse buy. I was at IKEA one day, it was on sale, and it was "the one," so I bought it. It's different, quirky (it's bright green!) and perfect. Ever since then it's been stashed away in the guest room closet still in the box. It was a silly purchase and I never should have bought it. I should get rid of it. But I can't. Not yet. It doesn't make sense.
I talked to my sister yesterday (the one who is due in February) and she mentioned that they needed to buy a crib. I usually buy a car seat for all of my nieces and nephews because all of my sisters are terrible drivers and I want their babies to be safe. I've already been shopping for one as I can tolerate looking at baby stuff because I want to find a good deal. I offhandedly mentioned their need for a crib to Hubs, who suggested that we give them the crib taking up space in our closet instead of buying a car seat. Totally blindsided. I felt the sob growing deep in my chest as the tears started to roll down my cheeks. I collapsed on to the couch. I couldn't speak through the tears, sobs, and snot. I cried until I didn't have anymore tears left in me. It was intense. It was visceral. It was ugly. All over a stupid crib.
My reaction surprised me. Poor Hubs. It surprised him too, obviously. Now, I'll admit, this is a good idea, and the logical/rational side of my brain knows this. It would give them something that they need, would clear out space in our closet, and we wouldn't have to spend any money on the gift. Hubs definitely wasn't out of line to suggest it. But that crib was for my baby, our baby, not somebody else's baby. I just can't handle the thought.....
I wish I had some reflections or growth or something better to share. I don't feel like I'm making much progress in grieving. I'm in the thick of my grief right now and it's ugly. I'm trying my best to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Today is better. Hopefully tomorrow will be too.