Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Today

Today I had my appointment with my new GP.  I didn't particularly like her but I didn't hate her either.  So I think I'll deal with her because finding a new doctor in my insurance network and within a reasonable distance from home is a pain in the butt.  I don't know what I was hoping for but I guess I wanted somebody to actually listen, and beyond the questions that the computer wants her to ask, and she really didn't do that.  But I left with orders for a bunch of blood tests (thyroid, blood glucose, Vitamin D, and a few others that I can't remember at the moment) and that appointment is on Saturday morning.

Some of the blood tests require fasting and she asked that I abstain from alcohol for 48 hours before the test.  You get one guess what's sitting on the table beside my computer at this very moment.  :)

I got home from my appointment and checked my mail.  In the mail was a baby shower invitation to my sister's baby shower.  She knows I'm not going and I don't know why she wasted the postage to send me an invitation.  I wish her all the best, I really do, and I hope it's a fun time, but my mind is made up about not going, and that's not going to change.

On a related note, she (pregnant sister) called me this afternoon and asked if I would please come to her fancy 3D ultrasound with her on Saturday.  Because apparently non-medically needed ultrasounds are now a thing?  This is where it's really hard to balance being the big sister and taking care of myself.  Honestly I feel like crap that I told her no.  There was no good choice on this one.  Either her feelings were going to be hurt or I was was going to put myself in a situation that no good could possibly come of it.  I really am excited for her but no.  I just can't do that. So I chose myself and told a little white lie that I already had plans for Saturday morning.  Then I scheduled my blood draw for Saturday morning so I really do have plans.  I really am ready for her to not be pregnant anymore.

Finally, my hot flashes are kicking it up a notch again.  I pulled the trash and recycle to the curb tonight in shorts and a t-shirt.  It was approximately 20F (-6C) outside.  It felt good.  And my neighbor told me I was too young to be wandering around on a January night in summer clothes. 

So that was my day.  Well, work too, of course. 

14 comments:

  1. If she wanted you at the ultrasound for her sake, then she was being selfish, and not very thoughtful. If she wanted you at the ultrasound because she thought it might be special for you, then she wasn't really thinking. Don't be so hard on yourself. This is a tough situation, and you're doing really well.

    I've been with my GP for over 20 years. It took me a long time (maybe about 10 years?!) to feel very comfortable with her, though I was never in doubt that she was very competent. Now we're very relaxed together!

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    1. Hearing several people say that they were iffy about their GP at first and with time ended up liking them gives me hope. Hopefully that will be the case for me too.

      This particular sister pretty much sees the world through rose colored glasses and sometimes I really don't think she gets how hard this is for me. I think that she thinks that I'll change my mind or something.

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  2. Sounds like that glass of wine is well deserved.

    Agreeing with Mali, with one additional thought to add. Your sister may be worried that you won't bond with her child. After all, she's excited and is trying to include you so that you'll be excited too. But I don't think she's exercising a lot of empathy as she's thinking about this. Not understanding how painful all of this would be for someone who wants children but is unable.

    I have no fears about you bonding with your niece/nephew. And I think you are doing a good job with setting boundaries (it's important). But you may have to have a "coming to Jesus" moment with her where you sit her down, tell her you love her but she's hurting you deeply. That you are excited and happy for her, but the fact you will never be pregnant is painful and she's being terribly selfish for not being mindful of that. It will suck and she will likely be angry. But boundaries are more important than sacrificing yourself.

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    1. She's definitely trying to include me, and I know that she wants me to be more visibly excited than I am, and I know that it's hard for her that I can't show more emotions, but I really don't think that she understands that these special moments for her can't possibly be special for me too, if for no other reason because I'll never get to experience all of these things for myself. Ugh.

      I absolutely love all of my nieces and nephews and have never had trouble bonding with them. It's hard at first, because on one hand there is the searing pain of knowing that I'll never have my own baby, but equally prevalent is feelings of deep love for the baby and intuitively knowing that I'd do anything for them. One advantage (at least from her) is that she's seen how I bonded with the two nieces that were both born last year. She really doesn't have anything to worry about.

      It's funny that you mention a "come to Jesus" moment with her. I had one a few months ago, but maybe she needs another?

      Your comment has really made me think, examine some of my feelings in a bit more depth, and try to see things from her end too. So thanks for that.

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  3. Maybe give your GP the benefit of the doubt since it’s your first visit. She’s gathering information, finding baselines, getting you in the system, wondering what she’s got to work with.
    It took me quite a number of visits with my GP (usually once a year so it was a slow process) to build up a rapport with her and have her remember me as her patient and not just another face in the waiting room. I remember that my first few visits were like yours – all these blood tests and extra monitoring and a scan. She was getting my measure, all the available info so she knew what she would be working with.
    Now, (if) when I go, the first questions are always “How have you been and what can I do for you today?”

    I was getting the impression from your previous postings that your sister had some understanding of your angle/struggles re her pregnancy? Maybe not with the choice offerings of a baby shower and/or an ultrasound?

    Stick to your decision. You are looking after you which is what you need to be doing…

    Brrrr, -6C – sounds refreshing?
    -K

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    1. You said pretty much exactly what my husband said about giving her the benefit of the doubt.

      This particular sister tried for a long time to get pregnant (I don't know how long-my family doesn't really talk openly about these things), but I do know that it was a male factor issue and she got pregnant with IUI. I think that sometimes in the excitement of finally being pregnant that some people forget the struggle of infertility. THat's just my theory.

      It warmed up to about 40F (4.4C) today, which felt pretty tropical. Thank goodness for layering!

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  4. It's all been said already in the other comments, but just wanted to pick up on your ultrasound safety comment, as I happened to write a section of a book chapter on this back in my days as a physicist and your scepticism is spot on. See:
    http://www.chicagotribune.com/lifestyles/health/ct-keepsake-ultrasounds-met-20150104-story.html

    I have also had a few encounters myself with being underdressed in cold weather and getting comments. I find it very hard to give an honest answer, even though I'm usually very upfront about infertility itself. Feeling old before our time is certainly not easy.

    Hugs,
    Naomi M

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    1. Ugh...couldn't read the link without paying for a "day pass." But I totally believe you and it just seemed "off" to me. Oddly, this is what she asked my parents for Christmas. This is also the same sister who "still isn't sure" about vaccinating her child due to the "dangers" of vaccinations and their "link to Autism." Thankfully I think that BIL and my mom have talked some sense into her because my mom has some pretty significant autoimmune issues and something like mumps or pertussis could literally kill her.

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  5. I agree with Mali and Cristy. You did well to take care of yourself, even though she is your sister. Sometimes people can be thoughtless in the midst of their own excitement so it's important to protect yourself. Sending hugs - and iced tea? :-)

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    1. Thanks! Hmmmm....haven't had iced tea for a while. That sounds good! Usually I stick to water (and coffee). LOL.

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  6. I am very glad that you took care of you. And that you have learnt to decline silly invitations.

    Invitation to a baby ultrasound sounds like a living hell (to me).
    I would also decline invitation.

    I am happy for you that you bond easily with your sisters' children. I wish I had a sister! (but still, I would still want to skip the pregnancy part).

    wishing you a lovely weekend.

    Klara

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    1. It sounds like a living hell to me, too!

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  7. I understand your sister wants to include you, but you would think your response to the shower invitation(s) would have given her a clue. Chalk it up to pregnancy fog?? :p

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    1. I hope. Hopefully she'll return to her normal, caring, sensitive self once she has the baby.

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