I need to get back to writing in this space more frequently. It gives me balance and a place to work through the thoughts bouncing around in my brain.
I've had a lot going on lately. Not bad, just busy. It leaves little time for me or for writing.
Over the past few days, I've been feeling the full weight of all that we've lost. Seeing all of the Christmas lights brought it to a head tonight.
Maybe it's the holidays and thinking about all of the traditions that we thought we were going to make with our children. Maybe it's the sudden burst of people my age or older having babies making me wonder if we stopped too soon. Maybe it's knowing that 2018 will bring another niece or nephew. Maybe it's end of the semester stress. Maybe it's all of it.
I'm struggling a bit.
I'm trying to go easy on myself and I know it will get better again. But tonight it's hard.
I know. Even when you think you have fully recovered, the hard times come back. What helps me know is knowing that the hard times won't last forever.
ReplyDeleteSending you a hug across the Atlantic.
Agreed. They don't hit as hard or as often as they used to, thankfully.
DeleteOh lady. I’m so sorry. Nothing but love coming your way. It’s unfair and extremely hard.
ReplyDelete<3 Thanks!
DeleteI am thinking of you in this hard space. The reminders of what's lost are so, so hard. I plan to focus on the traditions that we set up for ourselves. It's hard not to think about all the things to come about "oh the wonder of Christmas is truly opened when you see it through the eyes of your child" stuff. I may have to go on a social media moratorium. I'm sorry that others having children at later ages make you feel like maybe you stopped too soon. It's hard not to second guess. National Adoption Month had the effect of making me feel like a quitter, so I get it. For me, going back and reading my posts from when we made our decision can help me feel proud of where I am today and also remind me of why it is that we made our decisions. That the decision was the right one for us. I hope you find a way that works for you to get through this hard time. I hope you can find some joy in the holidays that's just for you and your husband, maybe some new tradition that you couldn't do if you had kids. Sending love!
ReplyDeleteThats just the thing. I'm so proud of me (and of us as a couple) for all that we've been through in the past few years. I forgot for a few days. But it's better now.
DeleteIt is hard. So hard. But whenever you do write, I'll be here reading! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, IP! I need to figure out a way to carve out the time to do it.
DeleteI'm really sorry you're going through this. Sometimes it feels harder when it creeps up on us unexpectedly. We get a bit smug about our recovery, and then it's like a smack in the teeth to find the grief revisiting us. The good news is that you'll get over it more quickly than before. But don't beat yourself up when you're in the midst of it.
ReplyDeleteAs to why, sometimes there is no why. But at this time of year, I think I'd say "all of the above" to your list of possible reasons.
Also sending hugs - but from across the Pacific!
Thanks for your wisdom, as always, Mali! I do indeed think I was smug. I should have seen it coming with the holidays and all....
DeleteThe holidays are hard, no getting around it, no matter what stage you're at in this process. I was at the mall yesterday & there were a ton of small kids, dressed to the nines, getting ready to visit Santa & running around the big decorations in delight. Made me smile & want to cry at the same time. Glad you're feeling better now, but I'm sending some (((hugs))) anyway for the next time you need them. ;)
ReplyDelete