A person at work bounded into my office this morning and exclaimed "I have the best video to show you." It's not that uncommon for this person to do something like this and we share a mutual love for dogs, so I assumed it was something dog related.
Nope.
The video was of her daughter's ultrasound.
Her daughter is an only child. This will be her first grandchild. She's excited. It's special to see the baby and hear the heartbeat for the first time. I get it. She should be excited.
But damn.
I know she didn't mean to hurt me. I know that she wouldn't have shown me if she thought it would.
I held it together until she left. Then I had a little cry. Then I went about the rest of my day.
I'm doing really well most of the time. My good days outnumber the bad, probably 10 to 1, or maybe even a bit better. But I can't do ultrasounds. Especially not when ambushed with one. Maybe it will always be this way and maybe it won't. And that's ok.
Ouch!!! I would have stopped her as soon as I realised what it was. And I would have said, "why would you show this to me, of all people?" (I've actually had conversations like that.) The thoughtlessness drives me crazy.
ReplyDeleteAn ambush - of any kind - is hard to deal with. I also can't handle ultrasounds - videos and photos - and they're really only of interest to the people involved. I mean, it's not as if you can see who the baby will take after, or what colour their hair will be, or if they have cute dimples. I've had a post simmering about these for ages, but I'm not sure I'm brave enough to press publish!
Sending hugs.
I need to work on responding more like you do! Had I seen it coming, I may have been able to, but I was so taken aback that I was rendered speechless.
DeleteOh, please publish your post! I think it is needed!
Done! http://nokiddinginnz.blogspot.co.nz/2017/02/knowing-better.html
DeleteOh BnB! I am running allover the place to quickly make you some pudding and hot noodles and iced tea but since it's Friday night in your part of earth perhaps you want a stronger drink?
ReplyDeleteIt was horrible that she'd ambushed you with an ultrasound! And here I am whining that the grandmas in my office keep shoveling under my nose poorly-taken photos of their grandchildren reading books/riding bikes/frikkin' stare at the camera.
At least with those photos you can say "Oh look at that BUCKET/SHOVEL/RANDOM THINGY in the background, that is lovely," but with an ultrasound I think we'll just have to stare and bloody *take it.*
People can be so thoughtless (seconding Mali here), tactless, and/or plain mean. So glad that your good days still outnumber the bad ones.
I did have a much stronger drink. Whiskey. Times two. :)
DeleteIt's always the unexpected things that that get us. I expect there will always be a few things that hit me in unpredictable ways.
this is awful, being ambushed by the ultrasound video. How thoughtless!
ReplyDelete***
I got a pleasant surprise this week by a coworker. She (=mother of two) sent me the email titled: "photo of our new baby" and the attachment. I thought - I didn't know she was pregnant (I thought it was ultrasound photo). The second thought was: how heartless of her that she sends me this photo. Then I opened it - and found a cute photo of their puppy.
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I am glad that your good days outnumber bad days!
I always love receiving puppy pictures too! Though, especially if you knew about your infertility, she should have said puppy instead of baby.
DeleteDear BnB, I am absolutely against people showing ultrasound pictures to anyone but their partner or parents. Really, it's something so private! Even before I was trying to conceive (and started being that vulnerable), I thought that it was completely out of place to show ultrasound pictures to anyone at work. I am so sorry you had to endure this. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteI guess if people want to see the picture, it's ok to show it off, but showing the picture should always be prefaced by asking if the person wants to see it.
DeleteThanks for the hugs! I sure need them.
I'm still shaking my head after that one. We've got to come up with a way to counter the ultrasound photos/videos. What pops to mind is surgery videos. Knee surgery is pretty gruesome. Brain surgery even more fun (particularly the saws they use).
ReplyDeleteMany hugs lady. Friday was a bad one.
Hmmmm. Maybe I could obtain some of the pictures from my lap and show off my endometriosis and ovarian cysts? But the surgery videos are a great suggestion!
DeleteOuch, ouch, OUCH. That is something that makes no sense to me. I worked with someone once who had created a "brag book" of her ultrasound photos, and took them out to show anyone nearby. I know they are more prevalent and more detailed now, but still. I agree with commenters above...so private! It's your insides! I would love if you whipped out photos of your laparoscopy. I get though, that in the moment it was hard to say, "um, I don't want to see this" or "Why on earth would you show this to ME?" I feel like sometimes when you're ambushed like that you come up with what to say after the shock of it all has worn off. I'd have likely done what you did, watched incredulously (although maybe I might have said, "Wait, that's not a dog!"...maybe) and then cried in my private space and then gotten back to the day. So hard. I'm sorry you were sneak-attacked by thoughtlessness.
ReplyDeleteAdd me to the crowd who has never liked ultrasound pictures, even before infertility. I'm sorry you were caught off guard, especially at work. That's the good thing for me about going to graduate school with people who are mostly 25 and under. Kids aren't even on their radar screens yet. There are a few parents in the program, but I am mostly able to avoid their parenting conversations/pictures/videos. But that's what I dread about going back into the workforce...
ReplyDeleteI've been known to say, "I am so happy for you, but I can't be a part of your pregnancy" if you like and want to use that line!
oh I'm sorry you were ambushed like that! I agree that ultrasounds are only really interesting for the direct family. If she keeps trying to tell you all about her daughter's pregnancy you should tell her that you find it hard and please talk about something else.
ReplyDeleteOh god. It bamboozles me that anyone could think that a video of someone's ultrasound is "the best video" to show someone. As far as interest levels are concerned, it's strictly one for close relatives only. And that's before sensitivity and potential infertility of your audience etc even comes into it. Are people stupid? I despair of the human race sometimes. You were polite to humor her. I'm getting very impatient with an age 50+ work acquaintance of mine who goes on about her unborn grandchildren incessantly. I'm sorry she upset you. Grandmothers are a bloody nightmare.
ReplyDeleteDoes this lady know about your situation? If not you may have to clue her in a little to avoid issues over the next 9 months.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry you got ambushed like that. :( (As an aside -- now they're giving out videos of ultrasounds?? Weren't the photos hard enough to deal with??) I used to hear people gathered around a pg coworker (or grandma-to-be), oohing & ahhhing -- & I would take that as my cue to sneak out for an early (and extra-long) coffee break. ;) Sometimes, though, there's no getting away. :p
ReplyDeleteWell, fuck. What can you say to that? It is just a shitty reminder that so few people are sensitive to the fact that no everyone gets that experience if they want it. Hugs to you
ReplyDeleteWhat! Really!
ReplyDeleteTalk about being backed into a corner. I understand she is happy and excited but where’s the empathy or putting themselves into another’s shoes?
I always think the videos/pics/photos get way over shared. It really should be a private thing between the family.
I can never seem to come up with a good comeback until well after the event, usually because I’m always too stunned at the time.
Here's a belated "well fuck THAT ultrasound photo and the horse it rode in on" to you! It's society's job to consider human reproductive trauma in its speech and actions, and as of now society is failing miserably.
ReplyDeleteI understand the feeling sideswiped or blindsided by such things. Sometimes I can respond (with "I'm an infertility survivor, I don't need to see that"), other times absorbing the emotions of the attack is all I can do.
Regarding Cristy's idea, which is a great one, I have pictures of my non pregnant IVF belly during my 4th IVF in 9 months, and I'm of course willing to share in case anyone needs something to pull out in the face of an ultrasound assault.........
Big hugs. I'm so sorry this happened. People can be so insensitive. I feel the sting as I read your words.
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