Like me, I think that most of the readers of this blog are accustomed to people saying stupid things when they find out that we don't have kids. These things are often said innocently, but they often hurt. But I also think that women are on the receiving end of those comments more frequently and that a lot of men don't/can't fully understand their impact unless they have an experience of their own.
Hubs had one of these experiences about a week ago. He came home from work and asked if anyone had ever said something stupid to me. I said "of course" but then asked for a bit of context. He said "you know, about not having kids." I said "oh yeah, fairly frequently."
Apparently a coworker asked him if he had kids. When he responded that he didn't the coworker, also a guy, told him that he was lucky and went on to say that he'd lost a child to cancer, then proceeded to proclaim that it's the hardest thing that a couple could ever go through.
I asked him how he responded to the guy. He indicated that he didn't really say anything beyond that he was sorry. He said he felt like if he said anything else that he'd come across as an asshole.
Hubs was really taken aback by the whole conversation. I wasn't taken aback since I'm quite a bit more experienced with this particular assumption, but I did feel bad for him, because this was genuinely the first time he had been made to feel like crap because he doesn't have kids.
He said that he felt bad for the guy because he and his wife had to go through something that nobody should ever have to go through, but he also feels like we went through something that nobody should ever have to go through too, and that we certainly weren't lucky. I agreed.
I hate that he had to experience this first hand. But I'm also glad. Because I think that now he gets it on a deeper level and that empathy will be the result.
Jeez - what a conversation. Hard to know what to say about that one. It's unlucky (to say the least) if you have a child and he/she dies of a terminal disease. It's lucky if you have a child and he/she DOESN'T die of a terminal disease - I think that's the demographic this man should have been aiming at. But to be infertile and thus avoid having a child die of a terminal disease - you should feel grateful? Obviously a bumbling lack of understanding from a grieving man and your fella was the unfortunate recipient of that...I honestly don't know what I would have said, probably exactly the same as your hubs.
ReplyDeleteI know! Such a hard situation!
DeleteI told him that I probably would have said the same thing because it didn't seem like the appropriate time to bring up a "well actually...."
Wow. He got the mother of all comparisons. I don't know how to respond to that as it sucks what they went through, but your situation sucks too. I guess my only response outside of "I'm sorry" is also "bad things happen to really amazing people. And though we don't have children, it was because we were unable." And leave it at that because it's not about comparison. Both situations lead to life-altering hurt.
ReplyDeleteExactly. I told him that at some other time when he felt like it was the right time that he could work the infertility bit into the conversation. I understand that the guy is hurting and that the hurt probably colored his statement (and honestly I can give him a little bit of leeway since he'd lost a child), but that doesn't mean it was any less horrible.
DeleteDamn comparison...
ReplyDeleteYep..... Sucks.
DeleteOh, man. That's a hard situation because there's really no way to educate or return a comment in that moment. I like what Cristy said, that he could express sadness at what happened but also give a clue that you're not childfree by choice, but it's so much easier to think of responses after the fact. I'm sorry he had to endure that comment, but glad it opened up a conversation between the two of you and gave him a bit more empathy into the comments you get on the regular. That's a rough one.
ReplyDeleteAgreed. Stuff like this doesn't usually bother him, but this time he was a bothered. He's not holding a grudge though, because they are going golfing next week. Typical guy.
DeleteGood grief! Yes, maybe now it might be easier for your husband to understand how you feel. He said the right thing - he said sorry to the guy and left it at that, though I agree with the others that maybe one day he can let him know that he would have liked to have children.
ReplyDeleteI think that he will one day. It seems like hubs and this guy are becoming fast friends.
DeleteThat's rough. It sucks because the guy probably is looking for someone to talk to who doesn't have kids, because I'm sure talking to people with kids is painful for him. Unfortunately he was barking up the wrong tree with your husband a bit, at least in his approach. But your husband sounds like he handled it as best he could.
ReplyDeleteMy work infertility friend and I had the office troll lady tell us all about her friend who couldn't get pregnant until she stopped trying last week. These people are always out there waiting to catch you off guard when you least expect it.
Ugh! I hate the unexpected kicks to the ovaries!
DeleteOh my. What to say in such a situation? I guess your hubs found the right words from the other guy's point of view.
ReplyDeleteMost people hurt us because they just have no clue. Like, really no idea at all. Even if they "know" the facts, the impact of being childless is somehow invisible to them. That's what I'm thinking now, having been through the worst of the grief. It just doesn't seem fair that we have to grieve and educate people around us at the same time... but that's another topic for another day :-).
Gosh this is hard. Trying to cope with your lot in life and something sadder and more final is thrown in your face.
ReplyDeleteIt's also a bit of a look into our world... as childless/infertile women, we attract the awkward, uninvited comments on all facets of our journey without fail.
Nice that they seemed to have bonded and are going golfing.