Last week I shared a metaphor about grief involving waves, and how with time and healing the waves become less frequent and less intense. What I didn't write about (because I didn't think of it at the time) was about rogue waves. The NOAA defines rogue waves as "waves that are greater than twice the size of surrounding waves, are very unpredictable, and often come unexpectedly from directions other than the prevailing wind and waves." If you're more of a visual person, see this example.
So why do I write about rogue waves now? Because I got hit by one on Sunday. My sister, the pregnant one, got a new haircut/dye job and sent me a picture. Except the picture showed her stomach and the beginnings of being visibly pregnant (though, in her defense, this was not the intent of the picture). Honestly if you didn't know her and didn't know she was pregnant, you probably wouldn't guess. But I know. I saw. I noticed. And it hurt.
Not my proudest moment, but I'll admit that I threw the phone across the room and proceeded to have an ugly cry. The picture took me by surprise but so did the intensity of the feelings. Now, three days later, the anger has faded, but the left out-ness hasn't faded at all. Silly as it sounds I'm already dreading the holidays. I thought last year would be the hardest. Maybe not.
So that's where I'm at. Two steps forward, one step back.
I love your new graphic. So colourful, full of life, just like you.
ReplyDeleteAnd I love: Having kids didn't work out for us.....working on plan B.
I know, moments like this catch us when least expected. I had hard times with dealing with one pregnancy at the time. And in your family there are three consecutive pregnancies. I know it must me hard.
hugs.
It's hardest when we get caught by something unexpected. It's a sucker punch - we're not braced for it, and it really hurts. Sending hugs.
ReplyDeleteAlso loving the look of your blog!
Thanks, ladies. I was totally blindsided by my reaction.
ReplyDeleteI decided year two of the blog required a new look. I think I like it too, even though pink really isn't one of my favorite colors. :)
(((HUGE HUGS))) Agree, I think it hurts more because of the suddenness of it all, esp. if it's that intense because not only do we have to deal with those feelings, we're also reeling in shock. I hope you can find many ways to get some self-care before, during, and after the holidays (as much as you can).
ReplyDeleteThanks for the hugs! Part of why I love this community is the unwavering support. Thankfully we live almost 3 hours from my pregnant sister (and the rest of my family) so I don't have to see them every day. The holidays will be rough (in addition to the pregnant sister, there will be two first Christmases for the two babies, which I just thought of-ugh). But I do need the reminder to engage in self-care. :)
DeleteA visual of a pregnancy is always much more upsetting than the thought, especially when it appears unexpectedly like that. I don't think you should feel any shame for what was essentially a gut reaction.
ReplyDeleteI also love the new design. The background colour is more red than pink on my iPad, by the way.
Best wishes,
Naomi M
Thanks for the vote of confidence...had I seen her in person I would have had time to prepare and anticipate, so you're right, it was a gut reaction.
DeleteSorry to hear this, but totally get it. I distinctly remember ending up crying a bathroom stall at work one day after finding out that a childhood friend was preggo. I still have no idea why this news hit me that day that way, but it sure did blindside me.
ReplyDeleteBe proud of the moment! That you allowed yourself to acknowledge the hurt and feel it, in all its rawness. Better than keeping it inside, I think.
And FWIW, the holidays with another pregnant sister does sound like it's own special form of torture (regardless of how much someone loves said sister!), my thoughts will be with you!
Ugh! It seems like being blindsided is a common experience. It sucks! But I do totally agree that it is better out than in.
DeleteIt's not unusual for you to experience such intense emotions during this period and particularly if you weren't expecting to see a photo like that. I'm thinking of you and sending you hugs.
ReplyDeleteI also love your new look blog. It's such a lovely colour and print.
Thanks, C, both for the hugs and for the compliments on the new look. :)
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