Monday, December 5, 2016

Traditions

December has me feeling melancholy again this year.

My sister, the one who had the baby on Valentine's Day, is loving creating memories with her son, and she's loving sending me pictures so that I can share the experience.  Which I love.  And I hate.  I really am so happy for her that she got her much wanted baby and that she's creating traditions with him.  But damn.  Every picture leaves me with an intense sense of longing.  I'm not going to lie, it's an unwelcome reminder of what might have been if things had worked out differently.  I don't know if this will ever go away.

This has made me think a lot about traditions.  And how hubs and I don't really have any.  We put up a Christmas tree and decorate it.  We send out holiday cards (which are a big hit again this year, based on early feedback).  We have a few little decorations that we put up around the house.  We have a Christmas countdown calendar.  But it doesn't feel magical like Christmas felt when I was a kid.  It doesn't feel fun or festive.  It doesn't feel anything.

But I also think that traditions can't be forced, that they just kind of happen the first time and then are repeated over time.  So I don't know.  I guess we have the next forty years or so to fall into some traditions for the two of us.

In the meantime, we'll spend this coming weekend doing Christmas with my family and next weekend doing Christmas with his.  Survival will be the name of the game.  Then Christmas will be at home, and hopefully we'll manage to have some fun and make some memories.

I hate how this month makes me feel.


19 comments:

  1. Christmas can be a hard time. There seem to be even more cute baby facebook pics than usual! I think making your own Christmas traditions is a nice idea. Like drinking mulled wine and baking mince pies/going out for drinks with other childfree friends/going away somewhere together/wearing pjs and watching Christmas movies. Wishing you a lovely holiday season.

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    1. I so agree about the social media landmine! Our plan for this year is to stay in pjs all day and play retro video games. Not necessarily a tradition, but something that is uniquely us and that we will enjoy.

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  2. Honestly, I think you have some very good traditions. But I get where you're coming from with the "special" feeling. There's far too much emphasis on "happy!" and "memory making." The reality is this time of year is also a reminder of what has been lost.

    I think the plan to survive is an awesome one. Escape strategies and coping mechanisms all in place help manage it. Because you guys are still grieving. Asking for outright joy is just too much (and frankly unrealistic). Do what feels right but also know that it is completely okay to feel what you are feeling and to protect your heart. All the rest will come later.

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    1. You are wise, my friend. I think there is too much emphasis on being happy and not enough acknowledgement that this can be a really difficult time for a lot of people.

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  3. I can relate to you about the baby. I had a weird situation recently - not the same and not as bad, but I'll tell it anyway because it saddened me in a similar way. A cousin who lives near my sister (my only sibling), adopted a little baby boy. My sister took it upon herself to start posting pictures of the baby entitled 'My beautiful nephew". She put up a very touching, evocative picture of the baby with her daughter (her daughter is my only niece/nephew and would have been the cousin of my child if I'd had one), and labelled it something like 'My daughter with my gorgeous nephew'. My sister and husband describe themselves as auntie and uncle to this baby all the time. OK, this is an adopted baby so it's really nice that he has a community/instant family like this, even if they are only cousins of his adoptive mother. But I found it hard to deal at first with them doing this, and i distanced myself a lot. When I broached it with my sister, in a tentative text message, I got blankness. To cap it all, a friend of mine on FB that I don't see much saw it and sent me a message saying 'Is there something you haven't told me??" - thinking the baby was literally my sister's nephew, i.e. my kid. Things like this for me just prove that if they haven't experienced IF, they just can't empathise when they hear how we feel about these things. This isn't the same as as your circs but I do know what you mean about the baby being an 'unwelcome reminder'. I agree that asking for outright joy is just too much. Your reactions are totally normal. Sounds like you are dealing with it well, in terms of not showing it etc, but make sure you look after yourself if ever you really aren't up to it.
    Yeah, December... desolate month, at times.

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    1. So much ugh! At the end of the day I think that people can be really inconsiderate, even if they don't mean to be. And I also hate that, when called out on their behavior, you get a blank stare. December is hard.

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  4. In time you probably will bond more with your nieces and nephews more and traditions will grow out of that. It doesn't seem like the same thing but it will probably get easier over time.

    This is like peak seasonal affective season too so always a good time for the emotions.

    My gramma was going to have her last holidays at home before needing to move to a nursing home. Then she got an ulcer in the beginning of November and spent weeks in the hospital before being moved to the nursing home the day after thanksgiving. It is entirely possible she will not make it to New Years. My family has been in shambles for the past 2 years over my grammas health and living situation with my mother basically hating her siblings.
    So when my mother in law gets upset that I have no intention of leaving my home this Christmas for anything short of gramma beckoning, I sort of want to flip and ask her when my family gets to come first.

    We visited them thanksgiving morning before going to my sisters for dinner. My husband said we might stop by before driving home, just to say hi to some other family. His mom called him 4 times between 4pm and 6pm to find out why we hadn't come back yet. My family was eating at 2:30. Ugh. I fume. Sorry about this whole rant I actually didn't tell anyone about the phone calls so this is the first time I'm feeling my feelings about this.

    In other news I believe you said your follow up appt is today. I hope it goes well.

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    1. Sometimes I think that family can be such assholes. It seems obvious to me that your gramma/family would get priority this year since it is almost certainly the last holiday season that you will get to spend with her. I'm sorry your going through this and I'm sorry that your MIL doesn't seem to get it. Also, feel free to vent here anytime. :)

      Yep, the follow up was today. Thanks for remembering! I write a post about it probably tomorrow, but it went well.

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  5. I know...
    Wishing you all the best for the two coming weekends (I love your name Survival). And a cosy quiet Christmas with your husband.

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    1. Thanks, Klara! I am so fortunate that you are always here to support me!

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  6. You know, my mother hated Christmas. She hated the pressure, the decisions, the extra work, and the expectations. She didn't get to feel it was magical at all! As an adult, I've probably always managed to enjoy it more than she ever did. But it has taken time.

    The traditions I've taken on as my own have been around having an adults only Christmas. Sleeping in on Christmas morning, then having croissants with my husband. Sophisticated food. Champagne. Laziness. Everything that was the opposite of my mother's Christmases.

    We've also decided every few years just to get away from it all. That helps too.

    And so I emphasise, it really does take time. I know too that it is almost definitely easier for me having Christmas in the summer - it's easier to enjoy it, because we're happy about summer arriving. So maybe next year you should come down here?

    I hope that even in the midst of survival mode, you manage to find a little bit of joy. Sending love and hugs.

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    1. Each year it gets a little easier, so I'm hopeful that the trend will continue, and that eventually I will get to the point where I truly enjoy it like you. As I sit here watching out my window and seeing snowflakes fly, I do wonder if a warm, sunny December would be beneficial. Last year we decided that once our dog passes, which hopefully won't be for another 4+ years (he's definitely not a replacement for a child, but we do consider him a family member, and we don't think it's fair to board him in a kennel over Christmas), we're going to travel to someplace warm. I'll add New Zealand to the list. We could probably manage 12 days or so at that time of year, so it would be short, but worth it. So does that mean that we have a standing invitation for a sophisticated Christmas dinner? :)

      Our "celebrations" for the past two years have consisted of general laziness, wearing pajamas all day, eating good food and drinking good wine (or cocktails or whatever) and binge watching movies. This year our plan is to play some retro video games too.

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    2. Oh, absolutely a standing invitation!!! You might just need to lower your definition of "sophisticated" though! lol

      And knowing my luck, the weather would be crappy. We went to Europe once for Christmas hoping for a white Christmas. Five weeks and never saw any snow! Come to NZ for a warm Christmas, and it would probably rain (like today). (I'm even thinking about putting socks on, as I refuse to turn on the heater!)

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    3. Ha! Well, we typically eat dinner in our living room in front of the TV, so our bar for "sophisticated" is pretty low. :)

      The old saying, "if you don't like the weather, stick around for a few days" is so true. We haven't had a truly white Christmas in years. LOL.

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  7. I totally understand your lack of feelings about Christmas. I was in my 20s when I had the ‘aha’ moment that it wasn’t magical anymore, that it was for the kids…. I can’t recall any specific reason why,…I thought that maybe I would recapture the excitement and fun and cheer down the track once I had some kids of my own..

    I leave it to the hubs to do the tree and decorating and he usually ropes me in to help pack it all away in Jan. I do like your tradition of ‘christmasing’ with each other’s family in the weeks beforehand, and having a cosy day to yourselves.
    Ours Christmas day consists of visiting each side of the family, alternating lunch each year and then doing the afternoon ‘changeover’ to visit the others, and no, we don’t eat twice.

    We had the first of many Christmas catch-ups last weekend (for some reason this year has gone feral with Christmas get togethers for us) and I got cornered with no means of escape in a conversation about how great it was to have grandkids and how all those grandparents at the table would drop everything for their grandkids…… well thanks for including me in that conversation…..I hope it’s not a sign of the rest still to come!

    I agree with Mali too, about the weather. A warm sunny day makes it a bit easier to face the carols and food and mingling, although it's not always conducive to eating a traditional christmas spread; and I’m still counting the days until January.

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    1. We traveled for our first seven Christmases together, never making traditions of our own because we were so worried about attending all of the "required" family traditions. Keeping in mind that for almost the entirety of our relationship we've lived in a different state from family.

      Fingers crossed that no more granzillas cross your path! That must have been rough!

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  8. I'm so sorry...that is a conflicted thing, the constant barrage of pictures of your nephew. I agree with Cristy, you sound like you have traditions of your own started, but I can see how they wouldn't feel quite the same. We are going to Vermont for Christmas this year, in part because the thought of having our tree and still no one younger than our cats to enjoy it is a little sad. We are decorating the house and we made our tongue-in-cheek cards this year (I say that's a great tradition and I'm glad yours are well received!, and we got a new advent calendar thing this year that's a wooden woodland scene that you slowly add to throughout the month. It's the little things. I'm sorry December sucks. I get it. It's a hard month for a lot of reasons. I hope it gets easier, and that you can avoid much of the social media glut of babies and families. Thinking of you!

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    1. Whenever I think of Vermont and Christmas, I think of White Christmas! I hope you guys have a great time!

      I love that you send out tongue in cheek cards. For the past few years ours have featured silly pictures of our dog.

      I saw a whiskey advent calendar online and I wanted to buy it. But it was like $200 and hubs said we could buy several bottles of good whiskey at that price. :)

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  9. Even though we have always gone to spend Christmas with my family, dh & I have developed some of our own traditions. He really could care less about most of it -- his mother died in December, and I don't think it's been the same for him since then. But we put up a tree and we also celebrate our nephew's birthday in December -- which usually doubles as a Christmas-y celebration with his family. I think it does take time to find a way to celebrate that works for you.

    Re: Mali's comment -- you know, sometimes I think my mother resents it a little that my sister & I have never had to deal with the Christmas stress in the same way that she did/does. We've never had to worry about kids and making it special for them and hosting relatives and putting together a huge dinner and so on. We have taken on more responsibility & pitched in more over the years, though (& my sister has actually learned to make pretty decent gravy, lol).

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